Understanding The Impacts of Communication on Marriage

Marriages often face challenges stemming from five key areas: money, sex, in-laws, parenting, and communication. Among these, communication frequently proves to be the most problematic due to frequent miscommunications, misunderstandings, and crossed signals. The saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is a myth; in reality, words can be incredibly damaging. As the Bible states, "Life and death are in the power of the tongue," meaning that our words have the power to either uplift or harm our relationships.

Personal Experience

After 16 years of marriage, I faced significant struggles with communication. I was what I call a "verbal assassin," using hurtful language that deeply affected my marriage. My wife and I wrote a book titled The Audacity of Marriage, with a chapter called "Help! My Mouth Is Killing My Marriage." This chapter explores the concept of a "verbal assassin" and its damaging effects on relationships. Verbal assassins are characterized by their mean-spirited, critical, and disrespectful communication. They are always defensive, arguing for the sake of argument and often tearing others down to elevate themselves. Such behavior ultimately led to major issues in my marriage.

Key Lessons in Communication

Components of Communication: Effective communication involves three main components: words, tonality, and facial expressions/body language. Words account for only 7% of communication, tonality 23%, and facial expressions/body language 70%. Often, the message conveyed by our words is misaligned with our tone and body language, leading to misunderstandings.

Compromise vs. Negotiation: Compromise is often viewed as essential for a successful relationship, but it can be problematic because it creates a win-lose scenario. A better approach is marital negotiation, which seeks a win-win outcome. Just as buyers and sellers negotiate to reach a mutually beneficial deal, couples should negotiate to find solutions that work for both partners.

Understanding Gender Differences: Men and women communicate differently. On average, men use about 10,000 words a day, while women might use up to 15,000. Men are generally more literal, while women are more feeling-oriented. Recognizing these differences helps prevent misunderstandings. For instance, men may seek to fix problems, while women often just want to share their feelings.

Becoming a Student of Your Partner: To improve communication, become deeply familiar with your partner’s preferences, dislikes, and communication style. Create a "book" or journal detailing these aspects to better understand and interact with each other.

Openness and Honesty: True intimacy in relationships comes from openness and honesty. Many avoid honesty to protect their partner from pain or to avoid consequences. However, embracing radical honesty—being truthful about past, present, emotions, and future plans—builds trust and deepens connection.

Willingness to Be Wrong: In conflicts, being willing to be wrong fosters a collaborative rather than combative approach. Focusing on being right often results in both partners feeling defeated and disconnected. Embracing the possibility of being wrong allows for a more constructive resolution.

Rules of Engagement: Effective communication requires clear rules of engagement. Understand the difference between peacekeepers, who avoid conflict, and peacemakers, who may seek to resolve issues aggressively. Finding a balance between these approaches helps maintain peace without sweeping problems under the rug or engaging in constant low-level warfare.

Next Steps

For those interested in improving their communication skills, I offer a 30-day communication challenge designed for couples. Text "HASSANI" to 33444 to receive this free resource and start enhancing your communication.

Conclusion

Effective communication is crucial for a healthy marriage. By understanding and applying the principles of communication, openness, and negotiation, couples can overcome many of the challenges they face. Embracing these techniques will lead to stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

Let's close with a prayer:

"Father God, we thank You for every individual here tonight. We ask for Your guidance in opening our eyes, ears, and hearts to effective communication in our marriages. Help us to embrace Your wisdom and apply it to our relationships, so we may experience true connection and fulfillment. In Jesus' name, Amen."