Feeling that “the more your partner looks at you, the less you see,” may not be a lack of love, but you ignore the crisis!【2】

02

A “silent” marriage prevents children from growing up in the sun.

If couples don't communicate for a long time, the home becomes a “dysfunctional” family.

This kind of collusive silence has also been compared to the “elephant in the room” - an elephant in the room, but everyone avoids talking about the obvious, and maintains an unspoken collective silence.

Especially in families with children, many times we think that not talking to our partners and avoiding arguments is the best protection for our children.

However, we have underestimated our children's ability to see. For children, the “silent” war has already affected them. Imagine, the child as long as the home, can see this “elephant”.

In the long run, TA will be more sensitive to the current environment, and can easily pick up on changes in the parental relationship and mood swings.

Even when they grow up and leave home, they can't see the “elephant” anymore, and this sense of oppression will still be with them.

A friend of mine told me that she still remembers her mom and dad's faces when they didn't talk to each other, and she shudders every time she thinks about it.

When she was a child, the only moment she felt relieved was when there were guests in the house and the atmosphere would be more normal.

She had worked up the courage to ask her mom and dad, “Mom, why aren't you talking to Dad?” “Dad, what's going on with you and mom?”

But most of the time, parents choose to avoid or whitewash.

In this way, the child is prone to self-doubt, thinking that it is not her own reason that her parents are like this.

So when she grew up, she was very afraid of people not talking.

Once in this situation, they will subconsciously try to please the other person, or to seek to prove that they are not doing something wrong, so that the other person is not happy.

Other children, who have been held hostage by a “silent” family for a long time, may believe that this mode of communication is normal, and internalize it into their own communication style and bring it into other relationships.

In the variety show “Love's Learning Journey”, Zhu Dan revealed the shadow caused by her parents' silence.

This dead-fish silence usually lasted for days. And for her, who was young at the time, it was undoubtedly a trauma to the soul.

Every time her parents didn't speak, she and her sister felt terrified and helpless. She said she hated this family atmosphere and suffered from it.

But when it came to problems in intimate relationships, she chose to deal with them in exactly the same way as her parents.

The famous psychologist John Bowlby mentioned in his “Attachment Theory” that parents are the “safe base” for children.

When parents have a strained relationship, the child becomes anxious.

Therefore, only when parents have a warm conversation, love can flow in this safe base, and the child's personality development can be more sound.

03.

How did we get to the point where we have nothing to say?

In fact, “marital aphasia” doesn't come out of nowhere. Imagine, if you and your partner could not communicate from the beginning, it is likely that you will not choose to enter into marriage.

Some time ago, a visitor, JuanJuan, complained to me, “I've been married to my husband for four years, but we seldom talk in the past two years.”

Both of us are very busy with work. Both of them are very busy at work, and they speak no more than five sentences a day.

Their sex life was also haphazard, not to mention the lack of any sexual communication.

But she thought back to just married that will be, the two people from morning to night without stopping to talk, and then the smallest thing will also share with each other.

Every day before going to bed, the two will also exchange thoughts, her husband will also coax her to sleep. Her husband's mature and stable character gave her a great sense of security.