You have to feel it to heal it

I work for a company in the wellness industry, and I have for about 5 years. And when you work customer service consistently for a wellness company, you hear a LOT of people’s stories. Like… a LOT.

And one thread that I see popping up over and over for everyone - no matter the culture or creed - is that nobody wants to feel sad.

And you’re probably thinking, “Well, duh. Who would?”

But the thing is: people don’t want to feel sad (or any uncomfortable feelings for that matter) so very badly that they will do almost anything not to feel some kind of way.

Everyone always and only wants to feel happy.

But here’s the problem: if you numb your pain, you also numb your joy.

…

I’ll say it again: if you numb your pain, you also numb your joy.

Why? Because restricting and suppressing your feelings is an across-the-board thing. You can’t just decide that you’re never going to feel sadness again and that you’ll only feel happiness the rest of your life.

If you do, your happiness will never be full and rich and boundless. Because you’ve bound up its twin, its essential counterpart. And happiness cannot thrive without sadness.

…Didn’t you see Inside Out?

No, but really. It’s a thing. Our emotional lives are rich and complex. And just as you cannot have light without darkness, you cannot have joy without sorrow. You cannot have smiles without tears.

You cannot have celebration without mourning.

Remember the first week of the year? It feels so long ago now, but really it was less than the time it takes for some folks to heal from COVID. Too soon? Well, that’s the reality.

So think back with me now…

“I’m so glad 2020 is over.”

“I can’t wait to forget this year.”

“What a dumpster fire. So glad it’s done with.”

I don’t know about you, but when I saw the veritable flood of posts on Instagram, Facebook, and across the interwebs proclaiming excitement and relief for a new year, I had to wonder if the people posting such things realized that 2021 would likely be more of the same...

Not to be a Debbie Downer here, but thinking that 2021 is going to be any better than 2020 just because there’s a 1 instead of a 0 at the end seems quite naive to me. Because - let’s be real here - have they really and truly allowed themselves to feel their feelings about 2020?

I doubt it.

And you can’t move on and move up without first allowing yourself to grieve your losses.

Now, I get celebrating the New Year. I completely understand - and enjoy - the symbolic gesture of letting go of the past year and stepping into the new one fresh and ready to start anew. But, as I said, you cannot have celebration without mourning.

And because of that, a large problem in our culture is that most people don’t actually “let go” of much. They can’t. How could they without first facing it?

But facing it feels icky. (At least for a minute until you have a release and a catharsis. But man, that minute sure feels long while we’re in it.)

So, instead, we run around, tending to our super busy lives, and when we start to feel uncomfortable feelings, we have a nasty habit of making ourselves even busier so that we don’t have to deal with our discomfort. And frankly, this is a recipe for disaster.

It’s entirely unsustainable.

Here’s a story for you:

My aunt is a nurse. She lives in Florida. One day, a few decades ago, she was at the beach with her husband and children having a lovely time, when suddenly she heard screams and wails coming from up the beach. People were desperately calling for medical help.

Apparently, the night before, someone had enjoyed a fire on the beach. And when they were finished, rather than dousing the fire in water and making sure it was completely out, they simply covered it over with sand, said “Good ‘nuff”, and went on their merry way.

The next day, a young girl was running down the beach to the ocean, excited to dip her bare feet in the water.

BOOM.

She stepped right into the makeshift fire pit, the sand gave way to reveal the hot coals, and her foot was toast. Literally.

Luckily my aunt was able to give the girl first aid to mitigate more serious damage. But… quite frankly, there was already some pretty serious damage.

I mean, have you ever stuck your bare foot into a hole full of hot coals? … Can you imagine?

The same thing is true for our emotions. If we don’t deal with them properly - face them, feel them, and ensure the flames are completely snuffed out - we will end up getting burned.

So… 2020 was not the year that any of us expected it or hoped it to be. I think we can safely make that claim. However, simply “moving on” is not what we need to do.

Putting sand over our fires and making blind resolutions for 2021 is not the answer. Instead - dare I say it? - we need to feel our feelings before we can expect to make anything better, for ourselves or for anyone else.

Regardless of what your 2020 looked like - whether it was mildly challenging or a real kick in the butt - there’s a good chance you “lost” something.

Maybe a job? Maybe a relationship? Maybe a golden opportunity? Maybe your sense of self worth? Maybe your financial independence? Whatever the circumstance, I would guess that you’re feeling some grief.

(Even if it’s deep and buried, I would bet good money that it’s there.)

And keeping it buried, stuffing it down, and trying to get back to your busy life, is not going to help you. It’s not going to make your 2021 great. It’s not going to allow you to let go and move on… It’s just sand over hot coals.

So what do we do?

First things first, it’s time to slow down. If there’s one thing the last year should have taught us it’s that pushing ourselves to the breaking point and then practicing “self care” to feel okay again isn’t a sustainable way to live.

We have to have work and play. We have to have sadness and happiness. We have to have balance.

Balance is the key.

So slow down, take a deep breath.

Secondly, take a minute - or 5 or even 10 - and rant out all of the things you hated about 2020. All of the hurt, all of the disappointment, all of the anger and anguish and angst - ALL OF IT!

Just get it out. Your screen won’t judge you. And it’s much, much better out than in.

This is a great step toward acknowledging and feeling our feelings.

Now, when you’re ranting, if you feel the urge to cry, don’t hold back. We cry when we’re happy, we cry when we’re sad. Tears are a vital release. Tears are cleansing. Tears douse the fire. Cry.

If you feel the urge to yell or scream, don’t hold back. If you need to stay relatively quiet, scream or yell into a pillow or blanket. Punch a pillow! Do what you must to get the rage OUT of your body. Don’t let the hot coals smolder.

If you feel the urge to flail or dance, do it!! Our bodies are vessels for energy. Negative and positive energy, both. But the thing about energy is that it needs to flow. If energy becomes stagnant, it builds to a breaking point. So move your body around in whatever way it needs to move!

Get the energy flowing. It will help to release any stagnant emotions that your body is storing.

And if you feel the urge to write down your thoughts, by all means, grab a pen and paper and purge.

Journals are an incredibly useful tool for getting our thoughts, feelings, and energy flooding out of us and onto the paper.

And - bonus points! - usually when you write something down, your brain no longer feels the need to carry it around. So you can - like, for real - let it go.

Now, taking a few minutes to follow along with this exercise and tap into your feelings is a great way to start, but it’s by no means the end.

There is unfortunately no “quick fix” or “magic pill” when it comes to our emotional healing.

However, the more you practice actually getting in touch with your feelings - how you truly feel beneath the surface, deep into those coals - and allowing yourself to release, the easier time you will have truly moving on and finding that balance.

The more fully you allow yourself to mourn, the more rich and radiant a celebration you can have.

The more fully you allow yourself to feel your own sadness and grief, the more wholly your joy and bliss can radiate through you.

I know it’s uncomfortable, but believe me, it is so worth it.

That said, if you’re really feeling some deep grief and trauma, a good therapist who really connects with you will be instrumental in your healing. And a stress-relieving meditation practice wouldn’t hurt (I have a recommendation for a wonderful practice, if you’re interested).

But this is indeed a great place to start. And pushing past your discomfort to begin healing is seriously brave work.

As a culture, we have a habit of burying our feelings, and frankly, it’s getting us nowhere.

So instead of slapping some happy resolutions on top of your deep-seated grief, get it up. Get it out. Purge, baby, purge.

You want a “clean slate” and a “fresh start” for 2021? Time to get to work.