Working Through Decades of Anger Towards My Brother

I have anger towards my brother that is over 20 years in the making. What began as vexation that one typically feels towards a bratty little brother darkened the more his energy darkened. The years went on and he slid further down his hole, while I watched helplessly and bounced between sorrow and anger.

Over time the anger grew heavy like concrete. It sank, settled, and solidified. Trying to work through it now feels like chiseling through a mountain with the world’s tiniest pickaxe.

My brother was diagnosed with psychosis the first time he went into a psychiatric ward. Since then his mental health has deteriorated, and he has become unrecognizable. He is a paranoid schizophrenic. I've wrote a series of posts that tell the tale of his mental health decline and the effects it's had on my family. You can read it by clicking on the story below.

He is bad energy. He is angry and irritable most of the time, which makes him argumentative and abusive. He engages in low-vibe activities, like ingesting large amounts of weed and alcohol, which keeps him in a perpetual state of negativity.

I have had to pull away from my bother many times, but more so in the recent past as I've begun to understand reality from an energy perspective. Not a simple task as we live in the same house.

When we’re in the same room, I can feel his anger. I can feel his chaos. I can feel his negativity. Vibes are like static electricity in that another person's vibe, or energy, can easily stick to yours.

When I think of him, or hear him, my gut clenches and a curse word shoots through my brain. I don’t hate him, because I would die for him, but sometimes the ire is so fiery it burns through me like hate. I’ve always felt my anger is justified because his behaviour through the years has put my family through hell. He's mentally ill, but he’s also not a nice person.

The government deems his mental illness a disability and subsidizes his lack of a financial income with a monthly cheque. He has never worked, so he has no concept of the value of money and spends his cheque within days. Then he demands money from my parents, mostly my dad.

From the time I was a small child I accused my parents of enabling him, and now they deal with an adult who throws tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants.

When he began to show early symptoms of mental illness in his late teens, it amplified his need to have his desires fulfilled at a moment’s notice. Over time the tantrums evolved into emotional manipulation, intimidation, and even pushing my elderly parents around. As much as they have endured, they will never throw their mentally ill adult child out onto the street.

I have watched my parents suffer for their parenting mistakes, but intervening only results in me getting yanked into and stewing in the lowest vibration.

Despite it all, I have prayed and fasted for my brother to be able to live a healthy, functional life. The angry part of me wants it more for my parents than for him.

I’m realizing that my anger towards him plays a big part in hanging onto this reality with him, but this is more than about forgiveness, and I’m all for forgiveness.

Why be burdened with heavy emotions when you didn’t do anything wrong? Let the person who wronged you bear the burden of what they did. It's not for you to carry around, and when you do you become the victim and lose your power. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you give them back access to your life. Some people aren’t deserving of that, in which case you forgive from a distance, so you can let go of the negative emotions, replace them with happiness, and move forward with your life.

There are people who truly don't deserve access to me and will never have it, but I will not carry the burden of what they did to me. My brother is not one of those people. If him and I went all the way to the beginning when he was in his right mind and he was handed the choice to betray me for the first time in his life, I don't believe he would do it.

Still I hold onto this colossal anger and I’m now realizing it is reinforcing my current reality. If I want to change my reality then I need to first change what is within me. I am the creator of my reality, and all that is within me is projected out into my reality.

I get words stuck in my head. They come from the Great Beyond. They are almost always in Hindi, not modern Hindi, but old formal Hindi that nobody uses anymore, and I have to look up their definitions every time.

The words priya anuj has been coming through. I know what Priya means because I have a couple female cousins named Priya. It is also used as a term of endearment meaning beloved or dear. I looked for the meaning of Anuj and it means younger brother. I thought God was confirming my prayers for my brother. However, the words kept coming into my head which meant I hadn't picked up the intended message, or cracked the code.

I finally noticed how the words were phrased. Rather than just anuj, it came through as priya anuj. My brother was referred to in a loving manner. I thought that was sweet.

I need to work through my anger towards my brother because it’s blocking the version of my brother I’m trying to manifest. The anger reinforces the current version. The anger blocks the brother that I visualize, the man that I believe that child I grew up with could have become. I don’t have anger towards that version of my brother. The anger is associated with the current version and the anger keeps the current one grounded into this reality. Everything is energy.

The major rule of manifestation is to act as if you already have what you desire, or act as if you already are who you desire to be. In other words, you fake it until you make it.

The reality I desire is one in which I am not angry with my brother. In that reality we're good friends just like we were when we were kids. He was the only member of my family who understood my jokes and laughed, and we'd laugh together like co-conspirators.

It's not easy working through decades of anger. I keep telling myself he did what he did because he’s mentally ill. My parents adage since the beginning. Perhaps, it’s easier for a sibling to hold onto anger than for a parent to choose anger over love for their child. In all truthfulness, my parents deserve the reality I envision. If I would die for my brother, I’d give up lifetimes for my parents. So, I'm working through the anger.