The Germaphobe Party
Post Pandemic Hits Different
So, you're lying there on your Moon Pod because one of the necessities of this pandemic was to buy a $299 bean bag chair, right? You're comfortably reading the newspaper because those are still popular, and the headline reads, “United States Survives Pandemic! Stay-At-Home & Social Distancing Orders Lifted!” The milk you were drinking shoots out of your nose and completely ruins the newspaper story making it illegible. Luckily you have your smart phone as a backup news outlet. You frantically scroll through the article but don't fully read it. The feeling of freedom sets it. You're no longer on house arrest. A celebration is necessary. You just SURVIVED A GLOBAL PANDEMIC!
First things, first. Take a shower, boo. It's been like 48 hours and you're smelling RIPE. Okay, shower is done. Next, call all of your best friends! Make plans to all go out tonight. But wait, there's a problem. Because you didn't fully read the article in depth you skipped the part where it stated, "ALL BUSINESSES WILL BE OPEN STARTING TOMORROW." Perhaps they should have underlined and bolded it for you too. That's okay because all of your friends are too excited to stay isolated for any longer, and it just happens to be Saturday. The friend with the nicest house gets forced to throw a party. Thanks, man!
You and the significant other arrive five minutes late because you just got finished doing it in the car, and it's been a while for the both of you. You text them to indicate you've arrived. What's a doorbell?
As soon as you enter things hit a little different. You discover that your friend throwing the party has come out of quarantine- a germaphobe. Masks and gloves are handed out at the door. Bottles of hand sanitizer are on every counter and table top. The air has a hint of Lysol in it. Then you see why. Two bottle service ladies dressed scandalously in all white hold up sparkling bottles of Lysol. As you walk through the party in horror, you notice people dancing and grinding six feet apart. The awkwardness catches you off guard which causes you to run into someone dressed as Donald Trump.
He asks, "Hey, do you want to inject this bleach with me?"
You look down to see a syringe needle and a bottle of bleach in his hand.
You say, "No, thanks" and continue to wander through the party. You think about rubbing your eyes to see if this is a dream but remember that touching your face is frowned upon. Suddenly, you realize that you too have become a germaphobe. Panic sets it. Luckily, a tray of shots is nearby. You grab two. You pull down your mask to smell them, making sure that they're not shots of bleach. Vodka. You quickly slam both down and look for your significant other who is nowhere to be found.
A young man tries to dance closer to a young woman dressed as a sexy nurse. She pulls out a tape measure, locks it at six feet, and pushes him away with it. You turn away from this strangeness and towards the kitchen to make yourself a drink. You find a bottle of champagne and orange juice so you decide to have a mimosa. First you wash the glass with soap and water.
Your friend comes up to you out of nowhere and says, "There's new glasses on the top shelf if you want. Isn't this great? This is how it should always be."
You disagree but say nothing and pour yourself a mimosa. As you're adding the orange juice some spills onto the counter. You immediately look for a paper towel or a napkin. You spot a roll in the corner but it's actually a roll of Lysol wipes. You wipe off the counter and head back into the party. Suddenly, you spot your significant other with the Donald Trump impersonator. She is about to inject bleach into her arm! You run over to stop her.
"No! Don't do that!", you say. But it's too late.
She responds, "Babe, it's okay. He's our President".
You wake up on your Moon Pod bean bag. It was all just a dream. Except the part where Trump is still the President. However, do not worry. Once this pandemic is over things will be back to normal. We the people will soon again be able to hangout, and co-exist in public places with no fear of interacting with each other. Germaphobe parties will not be a thing. For now be smart, stay healthy, and stay home.
Yours truly,
Brian Starzynski
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