satire
Health and Wellness satire, comedy, and all things satirical in the Longevity digital space.
Tips for Staying Safe This Lick-A-Doorknob Day
As we all know, International Lick-A-Doorknob Day is right around the corner, and while I’m certain our fellow revelers abroad will take as many precautions as possible, here in the United States, I am not so certain of our ability to control ourselves. In the midst of the Covid-19 pandemic, our fellow Americans still traveled in record numbers to go be with loved ones for Thanksgiving and Halloween, and I fear more still will be traveling to go lick doorknobs with their friends and family across the country this December 11 when we all converge upon doorknobs and lick them. I would like to share a few tips and tricks for staying safe this Lick-A-Doorknob season, so we can all stay healthy in time for a Covid-19 vaccine early next year.
By Steven Christopher McKnight5 years ago in Longevity
The Last Bath
Baths are a strange contraption, I mean, you literally sit in a small collection of water that is slowly but surely getting dirtier by the second. The trouble with them is that the hassle begins way before you even step foot inside the tub. It starts way back at the stressful, anxiety-inducing precision of the ratio of hot and cold water you must strike. If you have a functioning bath that actually provides a medium temperature then read on because this part is for the muggles amongst us that only have two options when it comes to the temperature of the water coming out of the tap: boiling or frozen. What I usually do whenever I decide to indulge myself in one of these completely inconvenient traps of the bathing world is fill the first half with blisteringly hot water and then top it off with basically frozen tap water until my foot doesn’t get scolded when it dares to submerge itself below its depths. I usually add dead sea salts or something to the water to add a bit of luxury to proceedings.
By Patrick O'Brien6 years ago in Longevity
Pandemic
...Have you heard about the new virus that has been going around? OF COURSE you have!! The media has made it a priority to disperse the news about the Coronavirus, now called COVID 19, but unlike the H1N1 or the Ebola virus that have come and gone... this time they are making it to be a lot more aggressive than it is. It is starting to be called a pandemic.
By Must Love Dogs 6 years ago in Longevity
Coronavirus:The quirky side of COVID-19
I feel that if someone tells me one more time to "wash my hands" I might scream. They are even coming up with songs to use as a backing track for that 20-minute hand wash. You end up feeling like a surgeon, scrubbing up for the next op! But when you see what some people are doing in an effort to evade coronavirus, you sometimes have to laugh.
By Anne Sewell6 years ago in Longevity
Pride (and a Bus Pass) Will Get Me Everywhere!
“Pride goeth before a fall.” So, they say so. Perhaps I am not one to talk, but I can definitely (and easily) relate to this. There have been MANY instances where my pride has gotten in my way. Perhaps, I should have seen the fall coming, but pride always got in my way.
By Maurice Bernier6 years ago in Longevity
Doyle Syndrome
I had to check that there wasn’t a real illness called Doyle Syndrome prior to writing this post, and there isn’t, so we’re good. Although if there was, I’d just call it Mrs. Doyle syndrome — which may give you some idea as to where this is going. My memory was jolted by an article published on The Establishment, “This Is Why Consent Doesn’t Exist For Disabled Folks,” which goes in to the numerous ways in which disabled people are required to give more of themselves in order to get the same treatment as able-bodied people. An important issue it raises is the stripping of agency from disabled individuals by the able-bodied.
By Katy Preen8 years ago in Longevity
Torches of Freedom
I have brought you here today to bring attention to the fact that we have had a human right taken from us. We once had right, to do as we please, but that all changed once the sourpusses got hold of what we were doing. They whine and dine with their cheese, saying that “it is not good for us,” and “can harm our health.” Well, I am here today to snuff out their illegitimate complaints. These pessimists do not understand the beauty of human addiction, the kind of relationship that we gain as we go on. But thanks to them, we have had this constitutional right taken from us; our torches of freedom are extinguished. We cannot publicly smoke cigarettes anymore.
By Lydia Grace8 years ago in Longevity
Dear Tummy;
I wish we had a better relationship. I have been trying since I was a teenager to feel better about you but our negative relationship still haunts me every single day. I have tried everything to hide you. Extreme corsets, tummy-slimming undies, control top pantyhose, baggy shirts, those horribly uncomfortable tummy-tucking Lycra shorts thingies that just end up rolling down and creating a weird lump under my clothing... you name it, I've tried it. And still, there you are like a creepy stalker following me everywhere I go.
By Sarah Sparks9 years ago in Longevity
Darby Burl's No Bullshit Reviews: Deodorant
Howdy y’all! Welcome to this week’s edition of Darby Burl’s No Bullshit Reviews. I’m Darby Burl! Last time we talked about Wonder Woman’s lack of muscles. For today’s review, I will step out of my lady lumberjack comfort zone and into granola-chompin’, patchouli-stankin’ hippie-land to try a new deodorant.
By Darby Burl9 years ago in Longevity
