My Side of the Spectrum

“Really? You seem pretty normal to me.”

That’s the reaction I usually get when I tell people I’m on the spectrum. And by that, I mean autism spectrum disorder. Not everyone understands what autism feels like, but in short, I describe it as going through parts in life in other ways. I’m stronger in some areas and skills, like in music for example. I play five instruments and sing, and with my perfect pitch I could tell you the key signature of a song just from listening to it. But in other areas, I tend to struggle more.

When people see me, they see the blonde-haired, brown-eyed, bubbly and perky young woman who has her whole future in front of her. What they don’t know is underneath all the “normal” is years of educational therapy and emotional grit.

When I was in grade school, I had a pretty fantastic social life. I was involved in various activities such as choir, orchestra, Girl Scouts, horseback riding, and many more. Throughout my life, I always found my solace in performing and being on stage, which I discovered when I was nine at musical theater camps. I knew it was what I wanted to do when I first belted out “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” in front of a group of fellow campers. I took up piano and violin along with voice lessons with various teachers. Everything seemed pretty normal with that part of my life, and I loved it.

But then it all changed when I was ten.

It was a normal day when I was around the house and playing with our cats. I then discovered a letter written by my mother to a doctor or a specialist. One of the first sentences in the paragraph was “Lauren was diagnosed with autism at age two.” All I could think was “Oh my god, what the hell is autism?” I later confronted my mom that night, and nothing could’ve prepared me for what she said next.

She explained to me that autism was a learning disability that made social interaction more difficult and that understanding others was part of that. It all made sense. Why I had teachers take me out of classes for one on one sessions. Why I went to speech therapy. Why I had trouble with schoolwork and being seen as the weird kid. I was more relieved than upset in the moment, but then I was ashamed. I didn’t like the fact that I was different. All I wanted was to be seen as a human being rather than someone with autism.

Many things changed in the next few years, now that I was approaching middle and high school. This included three different middle schools, new teachers every year, support after school, you name it. But their approach was usually the same. Strict rules for going out with friends, getting reprimanded if I disobeyed, lots of blood, sweat and tears. These still continued as I started homeschooling for high school.

In my high school years, I gained lots of volunteer experience with a job coach, joined a swim team, joined a homeschoolers choir, studied Celtic music, and joined a youth and college group with family friends at their church. But when college was approaching for my friends, I was 19 and still homeschooling.

At that point, I was getting fed up with everything. I didn’t leave for college like all my friends, I couldn’t get a job without a job coach, and I couldn’t make any decisions without my parents or teachers intervening. It was a difficult phase in my life, since I got out of a relationship that wasn’t working out and jumped right into a rebound with a guy who saw me as nothing but a piece of ass. Even though everyone I knew was trying to give me the warning signs, I still kept going back to him to the point of sneaking out at midnight to see him. On top of all that, my mood swings were getting to the breaking point and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder later that year. All I knew was that my life was going to waste.

That’s when Meristem came into the picture.

My parents and I all knew that homeschooling wasn’t working at all in the end. One day, our family lawyer brought up this new program coming to Sacramento based off a successful school in the UK. Designed to help young adults go into the workforce through practical arts such as blacksmithing and food service, the three year program was finally brought to the United States and ready for its first open house. I was ready to leave homeschooling behind, so I reluctantly jumped on the chance of going to this school.

When we got to the campus, it was nothing like I thought it would be. The school had a full working cafe, blacksmithing shop, performance hall, garden, the whole works! But in the back of the school, there were dormitories. Mother. Fucking. Dorms. I knew in that moment I could be at this school. I could live away from home, I could try some work in the cafe, I could have my chance of freedom! When we finished the tour, my mother immediately asked me what I thought and my response was:

“Get me an application for this place right now!”

We got the application sent in, and about a month later I was accepted at Meristem. I was beyond excited to finally begin this new journey, and to get away from all the shit I had gone through. A new beginning was waiting for me in the next three years, and I couldn’t wait to get started.

My first day at Meristem was move in day, and my parents drove me crazy as usual getting everything moved in. I then got to meet my roommate, a 28-year-old woman named Megan, who later became my best friend in the world. We immediately hit it off, and had even more in common than I imagined. We both liked music, we’re both big talkers, and we both had boyfriends at the time our parents hated. I knew in that moment I had a place where I belonged.

My first year was an interesting one. If I could describe it as a single musical, it would be The Last Five Years. I had many exciting things going on, with all my new friends and all the new classes and crafts I was learning. I also thought I could have complete freedom to finally start writing the musical I had been itching to start for six years. However, it wasn’t completely sunshine and butterflies. I was still having trouble getting rid of my diva persona and one-upping others who weren’t as good. I had also never deep cleaned a room before in my life. And that was not easy.

There were some good things that came out of that first year as well. I had a new boyfriend I liked, new trust in my parents, and I was about to start my first paid job as a hostess back home in Sunnyvale. My first year at Meristem had ended on a good note, and I could barely wait for that summer.

That summer was the first one I had off in a while, since I never took summers off when homeschooling. My new job was an exciting start, and right off the bat I felt at home. I had incredibly nice coworkers, a great boss, and not to mention I was getting paid for the first time in my life. And let me say, earning that money felt amazing.

As fun as that summer was, my relationship was faltering. Drew* rarely had time to speak with me, since we both worked different hours of the day. There was even one day he promised to come down to the Bay Area but then he flaked out. Needless to say, I was disappointed and mad at him for breaking that promise.

About a month after I started the job at Black Angus, it was a night like any other. Busy nights, customers being difficult, everyone’s exhausted. I was about to get a ride home when one of my coworkers Stewart asked if he could walk me back. Stewart was the guy who trained me, and made me welcome right off the bat. Knowing that I could trust him, I immediately said yes.

As we walked around town, I talked with him about how I’m hoping to get into theatre when I’m finished with Meristem, and shared with him my recent cover of “Burn” from Hamilton. We then walked over to his old high school and pretended we were spies on a top secret mission. We then started asking each other random questions to break the ice.

“If you could live on any planet, what would it be?”

“Naboo.”

“Naboo?”

“Yeah! It’s just so gorgeous and peaceful-“

“You’re such a nerd.”

He then lied down on the grass of the football field, and I impulsively lied down right next to him on his stretched out arm. I kept asking him if it was weird I was lying there, and he kept saying it wasn’t. I then decided to ask if he liked me. I’m pretty sure that I caught him off guard.

“Well, I think it’s a good idea to not jump into those feeling right away-“

“Oh really? Cause I have a huge crush on you!”

Then there was an awkward silence. Stewart knew I had a boyfriend, we both knew we were treading in deep waters at that point. We then looked at each other and he said, “I’m not going to make you do anything, but if you want to go ahead.” I then impulsively kissed him. We made out on that field for about a half hour. I then realized something terrible. What was I going to tell Drew? What was going to happen if I ever told anyone about this? Stewart and I then walked back to my place, and he reassured me everything was going to be alright. If anything happened, I should call him. But I couldn’t help but know that Drew would be heartbroken when he knew.

The next morning I didn’t wait. When Drew texted me, I immediately told him off the bat what I had done. He then called me in tears, calling me a stupid slut and threatening to leave if I had feelings for Stewart. I told my mother what happened, and she surprisingly wasn’t mad. She was more sympathetic than mad. In all honesty, I wasn’t sure where my heart was.

The next month or so Stewart continued to walk me back home, and Drew’s anger and jealousy was getting worse. He was starting to act more like a helicopter parent than an actual boyfriend. However, it got to the point where I was actually feeling safer around Stewart than with Drew. I could say what I wanted with him, I didn’t have to bottle in anything, but most of all he told me that I meant a lot to him and that I could make whatever choices I wanted. I soon left to go back to Sacramento for my second year.

If my second year at Meristem was a musical, Heathers is the perfect example. It was so much harder than I ever thought it would be.

I had transferred to the Black Angus over by school, and I was learning to balance a job and school at the same time. I also thought this experience would be like the one back home. I was DEAD WRONG. I never related to any of my coworkers, and the customers were assholes on top of that. I was pushed by a drunk guy on my first day, had a lady throw a menu at me, and had an impatient customer call me a bitch to name a few. I felt like quitting so many times that year, but my student journey manager Pattie would always convince me not to.

On top of a bad job, I went through a fair share of difficult people.

It started off with Drew, who I was on thin ice with after the cheating incident. I still remained in contact with Stewart, and it was causing lots of turmoil in our relationship. I knew I could talk with Pattie, so I asked for her advice. She told me, in her motherly and honest way, “Lauren, you’re 20 years old. You don’t have to make any commitments right now. It’s okay to listen to your heart.” That’s when I made the hardest decision I ever made. I ended up leaving Drew for Stewart, but in the future it’s helped both of us for the better. Even though we couldn’t stand each other for the rest of the year. I was lucky in the long-run though, for Stewart ended up being the love of my life (we've been together a little over a year now!).

But what I learned from that was an important lesson. Cheating and unfaithfulness is one of the worst things that could happen to anyone. I had hurt Drew very badly and it was a horrible ordeal for him to deal with me falling for someone else. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. He called me a slut for what I did, but I don't blame him. I know what I did was wrong. But I know moving forward that communication and trust is the most important thing in any relationship, and that it's incredibly important to maintain it and keep it from breaking.

But it wasn't the only lesson I learned that year.

With the new batch of students that came in, I was having to deal with so many people to the point where I felt like pulling my brains out. I had difficult roommates, trouble with Megan after dumping Drew, and drama at every corner. No matter where I went, I couldn’t escape it.

But no one was nearly as horrible as Taylor*.

Taylor was a new student who I hit it off with right away. She was a bright and bubbly person who I felt I could at least try to be friends with. She then started to display shady behavior. After Drew and I split she tried to get me hooked up with a guy I barely knew over the phone, and I ended up blocking him. When I went to her house, she and her mother argued non-stop, and all I felt like was a nuisance. She then kept asking to hang out again, but when I said no she turned into my worst nightmare. She talked about me behind my back, included me in group texts with at least 17 other guys, you name it. She still thinks we’re friends to this day, but all she's done is dig herself a deep hole she can't get out of.

Between the all the drama and the stress from my job, it was hard to focus on the important stuff that year. However, I believe it made me stronger, and I knew I would be back to make a lasting impression the following year.

By the time the end of year ceremony ended, all I wanted was to jump in the car and drive back to Sunnyvale. I couldn’t wait to leave that year behind me and start anew.

Before I knew it my third and final year started. It was off to a rocky start, since I was put in the same dorm as last year along with two new students. There were only two girls in that dorm I could actually stand. Sadly, I couldn’t change dorms due to the other dorm being an advanced “transition” dorm that I apparently wasn’t qualified enough to live in. That was really disheartening to hear. At that point, all I wanted to do was prove that I was transition material and make myself a better person. That came with the help of a blonde law student known as Elle Woods, through the movie and musical cast recording. I knew that my final year would be Legally Blonde by working even harder and busting my ass.

The first couple months were difficult, but they weren’t unbearable. The other two girls in my dorm were annoying to say the least. One was in my dorm last year, and she was pretty snarky and uptight with everyone who set her off. The other girl was a new student, and she was the most clueless person I ever met. Both girls got on my nerves, but the biggest problem was they kept eating my food and everyone else’s without permission despite being told multiple times. But it all changed for the better when I was moved into a new dorm along with my other roommates.

Fast forward to now, I have five months left at Meristem. I’m currently studying for my GED in hopes of attending community college back home to get a theatre arts degree. I’m heavily involved in school organizations, such as marketing for the school’s bed and breakfast and writing for the school newsletter.

The most exciting part is that an original play I wrote will be getting a staged reading in my school’s drama program next month. Stewart inspired this play off of a dream he told me he had, and the fact I’m making it a reality means more than anything. That a written work of mine is getting performed and that my dreams are finally coming true.

But most of all, I hope to reach out to people to tell them that autism doesn’t make you different. It just means you learn in your own way. I make completely human mistakes. I'm not afraid to admit I've made them. Now, I’m open about my learning differences and my quirks. I know I’m not perfect. I’ve gone through tough times and I’ve learned tough lessons in the last two decades.

I have autism, that’s true. But it’s not who I am and I am not the sole meaning of it. It’s just a little part of me that will always be there. Nevertheless, there’s no one else on the planet I would rather be than myself, quirks and all.

*names were changed due to privacy reasons