Long Time Love

Leaving the life once I thought was perfect , I felt angered, betrayed, disgusted with myself for being used and abused in love with someone who lied, cheated committed every underhanded , petty deceitful act he could to work out his harmful and criminal reckonings because inadequate small and creepy people do that. Yet I doubted myself and my own strengths, my own integrity, if I loved him how could leave him? Eventually , I had to stop covering him and take care of myself, In five years time I 'd attempted suicide twice, became agoraphobic, drug addicted and alcohol dependent, I took sleeping pills, anti anxiety medication, and washed it all down with booze. Everyday at happy hour I made myself white Russians, vodka and milk sweetly flavored with kahlua on the rocks consumed 3-6 a day, and I wasn't happy, Can't say what exactly moved me to walk out on the Life I created with myself and the Creep, but I did it. packed up the VW with few belongings, left furniture, photos, books, clothes, my own house to leave the lying cheating little worm and drove as far as I could, across the country to another state and settled into a small house where I knew no one and didn't realize how sick I was or what recovery would take at the late age of 64. I found myself suffering drug and alcohol withdrawals, on my own, I couldn't find a doctor, I had very little money and I was alone.

Those first months from November through February are a bit of a tortured soul event . I'm an artist, I paint , I bought small canvasses , paper and tubes of colors some brushes and began making self portraits of myself riding an octopus, my mind grappling in darkness, rough storms filled the days , I stayed in bed, couldn't stand sunlight, couldn't move, I felt sick and paralyzed for weeks. I 'd gained 60 pounds living with the creep and I couldn't stand my life but deep in my soul I wanted to change so I did. Other small paintings of me on a bed, naked sitting up and staring back at myself, me swimming turned into quiet seascapes of moonlit beaches and at last me with a new hair color wearing dazzling sunglasses with the wind in my hair, my healthy self grew into awareness and understanding. Long hot baths and midnight consultations with a giant palm bug in the bathroom , automatic writing and long talks with an astrologer , my best friend in northern California, helped me mentally, that and sobriety brought me farther into my new life, drinking freshly made juices from organic produce and constant daily yoga practices , watching DR House tv series and you tube videos of Micheal Sealy a hypnotist, and my determination to get healthy worked. By May , the next year , I packed up car and returned to the little town where I lived before I took in the snake who undermined my existence, I don't blame him for my drug and alcohol use, he took me to bars in the courtship and I was convinced by my doctor to take drugs for my unhappiness never admitting that I was being abused by a defective person who played my emotions and kept me guessing about his lack of integrity, I allowed myself to be sucked into a matrix of cliches that nearly killed me. That's not me, I was a single mom in the 70's, scratched and scraped to attend University in San Jose, fought hard to protect my children and survive on my own often homeless and usually broke, the relationship I needed was not with someone who didn't care about my life or building a decent healthy path to our eventual ending, he stole from me my dignity but I regained more than dignity , I am free and look great , got my figure back, drug and alcohol free, grew my hair enjoy my perfect ideal weight and slowly I am finding my way back to love again , I trust myself now, men hit on me all day everywhere I go , I've learned to ignore their needs , laugh at their intentions , and keep going, I could practically write a book about the ways men seek my beautiful body and fail because my health means more than the half assed ways they try to con me. Funny thing is, the worst president in history of this nation presided as I learned to be well, now that itself is remarkable I was surrounded by racists and rapists in my newfound singleness just as the fat slob himself revealed his dirty politics, sometimes I feel like I live in a world of weak ass men , but that's not my problem , I am living and growing into my age as I never dreamed I could, with pride, elegance and I fit perfectly in size 8 as I did age of 18.

Love is a lifetime adventure, self love and self care are by all means supreme acts of promise, love thyself.