Leave No Stone Unturned

Let me tell you a little health-related story. Stories like these I’ve heard others tell, but never believed because, well, it never happened to me before. Sit back and get ready for a ride.

The day started out as a typical Wednesday. I am a substitute teacher, and we were in the process of standardized testing. The joy clearly showed on all the students’ faces. While I’m walking around, spying for phones and ear buds, I stop by my table and swig some water. I go through at least 64 ounces a day, and sometimes more than that on hot sweaty days working outside or taking a long walk. So far it was an uneventful day.

When I got home from work, I took a little siesta because I’m retired, and I can do that whenever I want to. Naps are a good thing. I set the alarm for 3:30 to get ready for a gym session. Although I walked around all day and had already closed all my rings, I still had regular gym visits with a trainer so I don’t hurt myself on the equipment. It was leg day, so I made sure to use the restroom before going to avoid any accidents at the gym. Again, very typical for a woman my age (glaring at 60).

She killed my legs, and I was a bit wobbly. I knew the next day there’d be DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness), but I was used to that. Almost 23 hours after each gym session I’m feeling like I got beat up. I love it. I feel like a beast. RAWRR.

After gym, I stopped by our storage unit to pick up some Easter decorations. Our storage unit was converted from a K-Mart, and they kept the original bathrooms. Very clean, very nice, well decorated. After more water, I needed to go again.

And the sudden burst of pain is absolutely horrifying. It’s 5:00, and I don’t know what’s happening. It feels like my hoo-hah is on fire, and I scream a little. Shit. How did I get this UTI? I have to sub again the next two days. This is so out-of-the-blue for me.

I rush home because I have to go again. Very little pee, but oh! The pain! I couldn’t stand it. I hobble over to my desk chair, and all I could do is rock back and forth. I send urgent messages to my primary doctor asking for some Cipro. I’ve experienced something like this before, and I know that antibiotic knocks things right out of the water. I took my blood sugar; nothing unusual after eating some fruit. Frantically I tell my husband to go to Walgreens and buy me some AZO extra strength.

I’m rocking back and forth like an animal and getting up to pee every three minutes. And each time it was like having Satan use a blow torch down below. Excruciating! I’d moan or scream, or sometimes both. Even on the commode I’m rocking back and forth. I’m shaking with insane pain, and I feel like I’m undergoing major surgery without anesthesia.

My husband/hero gets home and brings me my AZO to reduce the pain of a UTI. That stuff is amazing. He also bought a test for leukocytes and nitrites. To do this test, I pee into a little cup to dip the stick. I need to do this now before my urine becomes freakishly orange from the AZO. I look in the cup and call my husband over.

“Does that look right to you?” It’s pinkish brown and cloudy. No odor.

He looks at it. “Uh, no.”

I dip the stick in the cup, and it says yes to leukocytes and no to nitrites. The box tells me to make a visit to the doctor. By this time, I’ve sent two messages about the pain, but I didn’t feel that it commanded an ER visit. I’m still peeing every three minutes, still hissing in pain, still rocking back and forth. I’m convinced I’m dying.

I text the sub coordinator at the school to cancel my sub job. There’s no way I can stay in a classroom or testing area with this. I can’t leave the classroom, and it’d sound like I’m being murdered in the staff bathroom. Between 5 pm and midnight I use the restroom at least a hundred times, no exaggeration. I use up a whole roll of toilet paper. I’m sweating, rocking, screaming. One time I didn’t make it to the bathroom in time, and it was clean up on aisle 3.

The AZO starts working, and the pain is diminished a little, and there was a little less urgency. I checked with our insurance-friendly urgent care only to discover they close at 8. I guess urgent means I can feel bad only between 8 am and 8 pm. Nothing in the cover of darkness counts as urgent, I suppose. I make an appointment for 8:43 the next morning, and set aside all the paperwork I usually have to provide: list of meds, insurance cards, ID, health history, etc. I take another AZO before midnight. By this time, I’ve taken two showers making sure I’m as clean as a whistle.

It's sleepy time but I’m not taking any chance. My husband retrieves a doggy training chux pad for me to use in case I pee in my sleep. Of course, I’d know because the pain would be absolutely non-sleep-inducing. I manage to fall asleep after setting two alarms for the next morning.

It’s Thursday morning, and I check my blood sugar again. Normal for me. Still peeing in pain, mind you. We trot on over to the urgent care, and since I made an appointment, I go right in. Of course, the first thing she asks for is a sample. I try so very hard not to scream at the clinic. That would frighten patients off, I assume. The doctor listens to my issues and prescribes the Cipro I begged for. She says that’s a pretty strong antibiotic, but I’ve had UTIs before. Cipro killed it.

The rest of the day, I rest. I go between bed and bathroom (and beyond!). I cancel the Friday sub assignment as well because things aren’t getting much better. I take my Cipro and AZO and find the urgency has become much less, and the pain seems to be subsiding.

Rather quickly, I might add. I can’t tell when exactly the pain stopped. Weird. On Friday I made the heartbreaking decision to forgo the fundraiser the next day that I volunteered for months ago: climbing 43 flights of stairs to raise money for the American Lung Association. I wanted so much to beat last year’s time of 29 minutes, but I couldn’t risk this pain or urgency popping back up in the stairwell.

At 6 pm Friday night, I get a call back from the doctor with the test results. She said it’s not a UTI and I can stop the Cipro. I ask, “Are you sure you tested the right sample?”

She says, “Yes, the bright yellow one was the only one there at the time. No UTI.”

Well, then. WTF was that pain? I scour WebMD and other sites and read myriad articles discussing the difference between an UTI and a kidney stone. I didn’t have “flank pain” but I was rocking back and forth. Was that how I was handling flank pain? The discolored sample and lack of odor was another clue. I’m reading as much as I can because I know I have a couple of doctor visits coming up soon, and I have questions.

A kidney stone. I’m sure I passed a MF kidney stone. I didn’t see anything in the toilet because I had assumed it was a UTI. I didn’t see a crystal or whatever because the priority of pain kinda distorts your vision a little. All the symptoms and quick end to the pain point to a kidney stone.

Now I’ve heard that kidney stones are more painful than birth. Surely that can’t be. I had two induced births, no epidural. First labor was 22 hours from start to finish. But I’d rather give birth than experience a kidney stone ever again. They were right. The pain is all-consuming, and there’s no escaping it, like an animal caught in a bear trap, only the bear trap is on fire and clamped onto my urethra. I wouldn’t even consider wishing this on an enemy because karma’s a bitch, and I don't want to risk that.