Just. Make. A. Decision

I've never been the one to write down my resolutions, burn them in the fire, and wish on a star. I thought it was useless. The past two New Years, I found myself huddled in my room on my bed crying. Always something goes wrong. This past year hasn't been easy, and in fact, I found 2020 one of the most challenging years so far. Imagine, I graduate high school, my Europe trip is in a couple of months, and I'm planning on building a tiny house. Suddenly, everything in the world stops, strapped for cash, my first overseas trip is out the window, I declined the only university that accepted me, toilet paper is hard to come by, and I can't even go to the beach? I thought the end was near, or maybe I had too many conspiracies in my head. New world order, as they call it. Even so, 2020 seemed to fly by, and that was the scariest part. I hadn't lived a year noticing it before, seeing the weeks and months rolling by. I know one thing, if I continue to live every year like 2020, and start something new, I would get stuck here. Stuck, with the same people I see, stuck driving the same road every morning, and worst stuck seeing the same barista every Sunday morning. The following you are about to read is what I have decided no longer serve me and the subtle changes I am implementing into my life. Enjoy.

I've learned that leaving doesn't make me a quitter; in fact, it is one of the bravest things to do; leaving a toxic relationship, friend group, or workplace. I learned that when I left a toxic workplace. I remember the dreams that haunted me. I'd have dreams about work, all the things that could go wrong, being late to work, or being yelled at by my boss. I'd always wake up in a panic with anxiety running through me. So I quit, and it was the best decision I had ever made. It was one step closer to moving forward. I'd never visit that shop again.

2020 was a year where I realized; only I can change my world. And I thought, I thought about how I could be doing anything I want right now, I could be anywhere in the world right now, and I soon found out that things are not going to change with stolen promises and hushed excuses. It was evident to me that I was my only hope, and it scared me. It scares me that the only person that I have got is me. However, the endless possibilities and opportunities around me excite me; they send shivers down my legs and up my arms.

I knew I could keep listening to the people around me, or I could shut them out. I've learned never to talk about things I'm going to do, goals I'm going to achieve, or holidays I want to take. Everyone has something to say about everything. I don't understand taking advice from people who accept their meek 9-5 jobs; they are people who won't go out and rise for the stars. If I ever thought about what they say, I don't think I ever would have done it; the heart inside me would have died.

I can't doubt myself, and no matter how hard it is, I know I have to keep going. When you doubt yourself, you allow water this thick heavy water to seep in, and it begins to form this pool of disbelief and accepting defeat. It weighs you downs hard, and physically you feel numb, tense, and paralyzed. Mentally, you tell yourself excuses that you aren't qualified enough, beautiful enough, or strong enough. But, when I realize that my future self will thank me, that is what will keep me moving this year.