Reflection

"Hey. Yeah, I know, it has been a while. I've been busy with work, per usual. I’m at that new place. The lattes here are okay, but they steam it too hot and it makes the foam sink, y’know? Five dollars, my ass.”

“….”

"Oh, thanks, but you know we were never really close. The funeral was on Friday. I took a half day and went over to Justin's, not because I wanted to but because I'd never hear the end of it if I didn't. He was making calzones. Calzones to memorialize our mother. I mean, who does that? From scratch, too. Most people get catering. So weird, but that's Justin for you."

“….”

"Yeah, I mean, good point, we did have to practically raise ourselves so maybe he's overcompensating a little. That sounds right, like something a therapist might say. He's got one- a therapist- and he's always telling me I need to see one. Told me on Friday too, at the fucking memorial. Like okay, Justin, I get it, but now's not the time."

“….”

"It never feels like the time? Not you too. Don't get sanctimonious on me. Anyway, I’m over there Friday, and Justin's stressing about his needless calzones, and there's Rich and Susan and some other randos we knew as kids. Everyone's putting on those sad, solemn faces you get when you're expressing condolences the second they see me, and you know how that pisses me off. 'Specially since, they knew her. They knew the hag. Why is it when someone dies we've gotta pretend they were like a saint or something? You know, as opposed to a selfish alcoholic cunt who couldn't keep her criticisms- or even her douche-nozzle boyfriends- to herself. The fakeness of it all was filling up that marinara-sauced air, kind of like that elephant in the room idea, except this was an elephant I was about to choke on. It was filling my throat, the dumbness of the situation, and I knew I was going to say something stupid, so when Justin told me, just kind of offhand, that there was a box of my stuff from mom's house in the other room, I took the red-hot exit opportunity and went to look through it.

'The great thing about being in mourning is that no one questions you when you shut yourself up a bit. They just all nodded those mournful faces at me- except Justin, who was still stressing about those damn calzones- and watched me go.

'There actually wasn't much in the box- don't know why I'm surprised. Really, I was surprised there was a box at all. Would have thought she'd have dumped all our childhood shit in a landfill ages ago. Most of it was junk. The only thing I remembered meaning anything to me was this book, some story about a penguin that gets lost at the circus. Prime kid shit. Anyway, I was flipping through it to kill time and- this is where you're going to start to think I've lost it, but I started to notice these little circle marks, like really lightly done in pencil, that someone made around certain letters. They were the kind of circles a kid might make, but I literally have no memory of doing that. I wouldn't though, would I?

'So I'm ignoring it at first, but then I see it a couple more times, so just for the hell of it, I put together all the circled letters. It's a short book, I mean it's like a first grade reading level, and there's pictures, so it didn't take long. But- get this- from start to finish, the words spelled something. Help me. Help me! What in the horror movie, right? And all of the sudden I'm compelled to look up and there's a mirror right across the room from me. I jumped, because at first I thought someone was in there with me, but it was just my own reflection. Except- and I shit you not, Jan - my reflection moved. Waved at me, actually. Hold your disbelief until the end of the performance, please.

'So yeah, waved at me and turned around, like she- and by she I mean I- was walking back into the picture."

“…?!”

"I was scared as shit, what do you think? I was also kind of horrified, because let's be real, I've never seen the back of my head like that before. I'm never going to trust you again when you say I look good."'

“…!”

"Okay, okay, so I followed her- me. I mean I went over to the mirror, and by then I'm really freaked because the other me in there just kind of...disappeared. I'm staring at a mirror, directly into it, Jan, and I have no reflection. Vampire shit. So- and the idea just kind of came to me- I took the mirror off the wall and looked behind it. And I'm not shitting you, you know I never shit around like this- there was this tunnel, sort of, and at the end of that there was a little room like a cell. "

“…?”

"No, I know Justin's weird but I don't think he's a serial killer or anything, Jan, just listen. Because on the floor of the cell there was this little kid, all curled up and- Jan- it was me. It was me when I was all of like five, you know, when things started to get bad with mom and all of it. She- me- whatever- was all curled up and shaking. And here's something else weird: you know I've neer wanted kids, but when I saw her, I just wanted to, I don't know, hug her or something. So I went into the tunnel and I laid down beside her and I held her until she stopped shaking. And the fear in me- that too just kind of stopped. It was, no kidding, the most peaceful I've ever felt in my life."

“…?”

"And then what? Oh, sorry. Well that's it actually. The next thing I remember, Justin is waking me up on the bed next to the box of my things and all the calzones were burnt and the guests left. And I'm not making it up. Fuck you, Jan, I'd swear on anything, that was the realest thing that ever happened to me.

'But anyway, enough about me. How's things with you?"