Internal Peace Through Writing

"Hope" is the thing with feathers -That perches in the soul -And sings the tune without the words -And never stops - at all -And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -And sore must be the storm -That could abash the little BirdThat kept so many warm -I've heard it in the chillest land -And on the strangest Sea -Yet - never - in Extremity,It asked a crumb - of me.- Emily Dickinson, ‘ “Hope” is the thing with feathers’

I take pride in calling myself a poetry connoisseur, and this classic piece by Emily Dickinson tops my list in all time favorite poems. I recall reading it last year in my AP Literature class and being filled with such joy when opening my poetry packet to see it. This piece takes on a different meaning for me today. It’s not that I’m still not inspired to live life without fear and to always have faith, but it has rather pushed me to stay positive when times have been very dark.

In late November of 2017, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, a cancer of the lymphatic system, ie, your immune system. Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is considerably rare, with about 8,500 new cases each year (breast cancer—a very common form of cancer—has comparably over 200,000 new cases each year). Not to mention, research suggests males are significantly more susceptible to forming this type of cancer. Go figure.

In a way, I was relieved to hear this news. I know what you’re thinking: Who in their right mind would be relieved to be diagnosed with cancer? Yes, I am a 19-year-old girl with my life only just beginning, but if you were sick for over a year and went from doctor to doctor to try and find the cause to no avail, you might be relieved too. There were periods of time in which I was fine and felt as if nothing was wrong. Conversely, there were periods of time where every second I was praying to God for the pain to end because of how awful I felt. Even though cancer was not the “ideal” diagnosis, it still was a diagnosis, and I was finally going to get treatment from what made me sick for so long.

What I was distraught over was how this was going to change my life, and it has done that, and then some. This experience has turned my world upside down. I had to take a semester off from college due the approximate 6 month treatment period, I’m constantly in and out of the hospital, and if I’m not there, I’m at the walk in cancer clinic instead, and my family had to put their lives on pause to take care of me. I lost my hair and the majority of my eyebrows and eyelashes and my weight fluctuates because of the weight gain from steroids and weight loss from lack of eating. I also get ‘the look’ any time I go out, which isn’t often because of the possibility of getting sick from my suppressed immune system. I have become the kid that your parents told you not to stare at on the street out of respect, and I hate it. There’s no sugar coating any of this.

I did not complete my first semester at college because of my sickness, so I was given an extended period of time to finish my courses from home. As much as I did miss being at school and going to class, I was not too enthusiastic about doing school work while undergoing treatment, but I knew it had to get done. I could have just focused on solely getting healthy, but that would put me two semesters behind, and would have meant my parents wasted all money towards paying tuition. It seemed obvious what the better option was.

All of my assignments seemed quite typical: read this chapter, do this outline, take this final, same old, same old. However, one assignment, called The Life Writing Workbook, stood out to me. I had no initial opinion on it at first, but as I delved into this assignment, I grew to love it. It forced me to go deeply into my thoughts and what still dwells on my subconscious; it takes you on an emotional roller coaster. It’s heart-wrenching, it’s raw, and it’s real.

Written by Aihi, the goal of the workbook is to “work through life’s unresolved emotional experiences.” Every person on this Earth has had difficult experiences, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Through eight deeply engaging writing, you are able to write about anything and everything you experienced that’s deeply affected you, and anything that still does affect you. The best part is, everything is private. You are the only person that will ever know what you actually wrote. I won’t get into detail with everything Life Writing entails now that you have a simple understanding as to how it works; you will just have to find out for yourself.

Now, why am I telling my story of being a cancer patient and how I did this cool assignment to get credit for one of my classes? I want others, specifically current patients and survivors, to experience the wonders of The Life Writing Workbook. Battling cancer is a completely draining experience, and I can vouch for that. Using Life Writing as an outlet can be immensely beneficial, especially considering all the pain, physical and emotional, that is felt. With everything cancer patients experience, it can be hard being open about it, but sooner or later, you have to be. Holding all of these emotions inside of you may feel beneficial, but it’s quite the opposite. With The Life Writing Workbook, people can finally open up about these emotional scars and delve into them as much and as honestly as desired. Better yet, writing down these experiences makes them tangible. Talking to a therapist has its benefits, but you have to open up to another individual, which can be hard for some people, and often leaves you at the place you started. As author Aihi states, talking is a treadmill, whereas writing is a conveyor belt: One goes round and round and the other takes you further away and to a new, beneficial place.

If Emily Dickinson could not convince you to have hope, I truly hope I did. Cancer stripped me of nearly all that I had, but hope remained with me and is continuously helping me to prevail. Nonetheless, I still felt powerless at times throughout this whole process, but The Life Writing Workbook has helped me regain some of it. It has assisted in keeping me positive and, more importantly, keeping me hopeful. I urge you, my fellow patients and survivors, to partake in Life Writing—I am asking only but a crumb of you.