I Thought I was Going to Die!

I was writing poetry at my desk one evening, while simultaneously cooking pizza for my children's tea. Ah yes, domestic bliss!

Deep into a stanza about floating inside a elephant’s womb, my thoughts were interrupted by the acrid burning of those horrid little Pepperoni discs.

So not wanting to burn my kids’ Michelin star feast. I leapt off the chair, ran into the kitchen and reached for the oven door.

As I yanked it open, a sudden tearing pain ripped across my back and into my chest. It felt like Thor had taken his hardest swing at my back with his axe Stormbreaker and slashed right through to my soul. I Couldn’t breathe!

This was it!

This was my moment!

This was the end!

At this point, my hungry ten year old son came in and saw me lying in front of the oven.

“Oh my God Dad are you Ok? Is the Pizza OK? Please tell me it’s not burnt again. You always burn the pizza when you’re writing!”

A few moments later my wife was dragging me from the kitchen floor into a chair. All I could say to her was “AMBULANCE!”

Believe me when I say that I’m the last person on earth that will call for an ambulance, because for the last quarter of a century I have been an Ambulance Dispatcher. Sending them out to idiots that don’t really need them pisses me off in the extreme. So for me, asking for one personally means imminent death!

When the Ambulance Crew arrived, they took one look at me and I knew I was in serious trouble. They gave me some angina spray in case it was a heart blockage. When I explained my symptoms, they looked at each other with a look that you don’t want to see. Ever!

The thing is, I had heard my symptoms so many times at my job, I knew straight away what they were thinking. With the tearing pain I had felt accompanied with everything else, it seemed likely that I was having the dreaded “AAA” (Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm!). That’s when a main artery tears and blood flows into the body like that elevator scene from The Shining!

As they loaded me into the bus (that’s what I call ambulances, as the public often treat them like a bus service!) I waved goodbye to my family believing I may never see them again. It was heart-breaking!

At the Hospital, I was given morphine for my pain (I now understand why people get hooked!) and then taken for an emergency CT scan.

Before I went into the scanner, I had to have a special dye injected into my vein that can help to show up any internal bleeding. The nurse spoke to me gently …

“When I inject the dye into your system, there is a very high chance that you will think you have pissed yourself. But you haven’t!”

A great bedside manner, but she was right! I have never felt a sensation like it before in my life. My body temperature felt like it had gone up 20 degrees and I was also continuously pissing over the scanner. But I was still dry! Bizarre!

Waiting for my results whist high as a kite on morphine (I had asked for more!), I suddenly felt a wave of contentment come over me. I had heard about this before. It’s that moment just before death, when you realise that what’s on the other side is the highest form of Utopia. So I would be likely racing F1 cars and living in Monaco imminently …

“Mr Aylward, Hello! Can you hear me? Exactly how much morphine did you give him nurse?”

As I came out of my psychedelic universe and saw the concerned eyes of the doctor, I understood what was coming to me. I was ready …

“We couldn't find anything wrong with you Sir. When the Morphine wears off you can go home!”

I was thinking there had been a mistake. Surely I was dying? I had all the symptoms. I mean, I didn’t want to die at this particular moment, although in a strange way I actually felt ready!

At that moment my best friend came into department. He’s middle aged too! We have an understanding with each other …

“What the Fuck happened to you mate! We were only cycling a couple of days ago and now you look completely off your face. Have you become a junkie all of a sudden! Look, I’ve got strict instructions from your Missus to get you home safely. Oh, and we have to get Pizza on the way back too. Apparently your son is almost eating the curtains! So get up and lets go!”

When he mentioned the cycling, I suddenly realised what might have happened. I had lifted my bike lengthways into the boot of my car, so all the pressure would have been on my abdomen and back. I did feel a bit of a twinge at the time but thought nothing of it. I now realised I must have strained something, but it hadn’t truly given way until later.

How embarrassing!

Originally published at https://medium.com/never-stop-writing/i-thought-i-was-going-to-die-f24a41b3ff11