How to Emotionally Survive Cancer

My family history is riddled with cancer diagnoses.

A decade before I was born my maternal grandfather died painfully after a long fight with bone cancer. When I was a teenager, I had one aunt diagnosed with breast cancer and my paternal grandfather was diagnosed with prostate cancer which eventually spread to his lungs. He died when I was 15 but my aunt was able to beat her cancer and has been in remission for over 20 years. After 40+ years as a smoker my father was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of lung cancer that resulted in a tumor that took over half of his one lung. Fortunately, through aggressive chemotherapy and radiation he beat his lung cancer diagnosis but sadly it had already spread to his lymphatic system and he is currently fighting a rare new type of cancer.

So far, I have been the luckiest of the group by getting a slow growing, non-invasive, and easily removable form of thyroid cancer. I was able to overcome it through the removal of my thyroid and its associated tumors and the only follow-up treatments required have been a daily dose of Synthroid and biannual ultrasounds. I had my last ultrasound a few months ago and as of this writing have been declared cancer free. I am grateful that my cancer journey has been more inconvenient than anything but watching my relatives and several friends on their cancer journeys has taught me several valuable lessons that I want to pass on so that you can have an easier time if you or someone you know is diagnosed with cancer.

If you are the patient

1) Your body has changed.

Cancer will change you permanently. Surgery leaves scars and may affect other organs depending on how invasive the cancer is. Chemical and radiation treatments can cause permanent damage to internal organs, may lead to sterility, and may cause hair loss, weight loss and other temporary side effects. Even if you are particularly resilient and get through your treatments with no problems the reason for your diagnosis is that your immune system was not able to fight against the onslaught of abnormal cells produced within your body resulting in them taking over a part of you. You can always be diagnosed with the same cancer or a new type so monitoring your health and doing suggested checks is essential from now on.

2) Seriously consider receiving therapy.

I thought I was ok when I received my cancer diagnosis. I have been a Type 1 diabetic since I was 14 and figured that since I was used to that I would be mentally fine. Also, my diagnosis was not life threatening so I never had the sense of panic some people talk about when they received their diagnosis. What I didn’t count on was the cumulative effect of this new situation plus the stresses I already had in my life.

When you get cancer life does not stop to make things easier on you. While you may be able to delegate or eliminate some responsibilities there are things that only you can handle. You will also be caught by surprise and may not be ready for the list of tests and treatments your health care team will be handing you. Lastly, you may not be able to talk to anyone in your current support system because they either will not be able to relate or are unable to handle the additional burden your confession will place on them because they are already worried about you.

That is why an older friend suggested I go see a therapist before I started any treatments. He knew that I needed a professional who was outside of the situation to vent to and get tools from to help me with this major life change. If you do not want to speak to a professional at least look into a support group who can help you through this in ways no one else can. You can never have too many people around you during this time in your life.

3) Know that cancer treatment is both an art and a science.

All medical plans should be tailored to the specific situation of the patient. There is no one size fits all approach to cancer treatment – every patient responds differently. To make sure that they give you the best options for beating cancer your doctors should take into consideration your medical history, your family history, and all the results of any tests/scans before giving you a treatment plan.

In case no one else tells you this – some of the tests you will have to go through will be either mentally or physically uncomfortable. Blood tests and biopsies can be torture for those afraid of needles, ultrasounds can be painful if they press down on a tumor to get a clear image, or you may need to undress in front of a stranger and let them touch you in uncomfortable ways. (In my case the biopsy was painful because the tumor was in my neck and having a stranger stand behind you and wrap their hands around your neck to get an idea of the size and shape of the tumor was nerve wracking – I had to fight the urge to elbow them in the stomach.) Go to your happy place or figure out other ways to endure it because your doctor(s) would not require you do these things if it was not important.

The other thing no one may tell you is that your initial treatment plan may get thrown out the window and you may need to pivot. The doctors will present you with the best option available to either knock the cancer out and save your life or to knock it back and give you extra time but until you actually start the treatments they cannot KNOW how you will respond. After you start treatment they will continue sending you for follow-up tests to monitor how your cancer is responding or, if surgical intervention was required, to ensure they removed it all and make sure it has not resurfaced. Changes to your plan does not indicate that your health care professionals got it wrong but instead may show that they genuinely care because they have not given up on you yet.

4) Things are about to get expensive

Cancer can be expensive. Even if you are covered by insurance or government health care certain things like fuel and accommodation for visiting specialists, time off work, or additional medications or equipment may not be covered. You may also need to embrace lifestyle changes you hadn’t expected. All of these things can cause significant financial strain so you need to assess your situation and work with a professional to make sure you will be OK financially.

5) You may not get the miracle you want

One of the hardest lines that people of faith must say and mean when asking for a miracle is “Thy will be done.” Before asking for a miracle be honest with yourself about how you will feel with the answer you get. You may want to be healed completely and live your life with as few issues as possible but instead may be told that you will not beat the cancer or that all they can do is prolong your life. Now don’t get me wrong – I am a person of faith who knows that people frequently beat cancer cases that the doctors have given up on – and I am so happy and grateful to God for those that do but I have also seen the frustration of those who asked to be part of that group and are disappointed. This diagnosis may kill you and you need to find a way to be OK with that so that you do not waste whatever time you have left.

If you are the support system

1) You need to be proactive in taking care of your mental health

Being the loved one of a cancer patient can be harder than being the patient. Doctors and other members of the patient’s support system will consistently monitor your loved one but may forget that you are going through this challenge with them. I saw my husband go through this phenomenon on the day of my surgery and have experienced it myself during the years that my father has been fighting cancer and it has lead me to the conclusion that YOU need to take the steps needed to make sure you are able to mentally handle the stress of the situation.

Speak up during consultations and ask questions. Seek out a support group so that you can get the help you need. Vent to a professional and learn tools for dealing with the added stress in your life. Do not let this unexpected challenge lead you to a dark place – the patient needs you but so do the other people that depend on you and this does not have to break you.

2) You need to be proactive in taking care of your physical health

I was not surprised when I got cancer because of my family history. If you are a first degree relative of the patient, and/or you have a family history of cancer or other health problems, you need to be proactive in doing the things necessary to not only keep yourself healthy now so that you have the strength and endurance needed to help your loved one but to prevent yourself from becoming a burden in the future. Figure out what lifestyle changes you need to make to reduce your risk of getting cancer and speak to your health care professional about what screenings you should get to ensure you are diagnosed early when cancer is the easiest to treat.

3) You need to be okay with the ultimate outcome

The doctors will do everything they can to save your loved one but in the end the person may die. Alternatively, they may beat this condition with no lasting effects or may be permanently changed. One of the most important things that you need to do is get to the place where you are able to accept and adapt to all potential outcomes.

Also, cancer is such an unpredictable thing that no one can give you all of the answers. Are you OK with not knowing when things are going to come to a conclusion? If not, this may be a harder experience for you than it needs to be.

4) It’s OK to feel relief when the ordeal is over

A few years ago, my husband I made several trips after work to visit a good friend of his who had been hospitalized again due to his decade long battle with brain cancer. We came by every other day before he finally passed away. At first our friend was aware of all of his visitors but as things progressed he lost awareness until he was sleeping most of the time. The last day of his life his breathing began to fail and there were several moments when it seemed like this was the end before he rallied one more time and continued the fight. When he finally did pass away everybody was sad that he was gone but relieved that he was finally out of pain and they could move on with their lives. They had mourned his loss for years and were glad the ordeal was finally over.

If your loved passes it is not a betrayal to them if you feel relief that the situation is now over. You will miss them of course but you are still here and you deserve to have the best life you possibly can.

If your loved one beats cancer – CELEBRATE the end of the ordeal!

5) Be realistic in how you assist the patient and their loved ones

When a loved one has cancer you may feel like you want to remove all of the other burdens from them but that is not realistic – you have your own life and your own challenges that you also need to take care of. Instead, you should examine your situation and determine what you can do to help them. If you don’t know what they need just ask – even if they say they are fine they will appreciate that you care and will know that they can ask you for help in the future.

On the day that our friend went into the hospital my husband and I took his children to an indoor play park so their mother could focus on her husband’s situation since all of us thought that he was going to die that day. She tried to explain to them before we left that their daddy may not be around when they got back but given their ages at the time it is doubtful that they understood. We never considered taking them permanently – our work schedules would not allow it and their mother was better suited for the job anyway – but for a few hours at least we were able to assist our friends during their time of need and they were grateful for that.

Likewise with my father I cannot assist him physically due to distance but we keep in touch and he has always updated me on his treatments, new hobbies he has started, and other aspects of his life. He has remained positive throughout his journey and we enjoy talking to each other.