Dealing with my mental health.

As the pandemic started, I had only just started to manage my mental health. I had learned that it was a new part of me and accepted that. I had known what my triggers where and how to notice them before it being known to everyone else. I had done all this on my own. No help, and not an actual diagnosis. I thought i was doing well. Until we got locked down.

2019

I live on my own in a small country town in Australia. I have multiple family members that live just down the road and would regularly see them. I also had a little nephew on the way, the first one for my family.

I’m very close with my family. Always have been. But I’m not one to let my emotions out when I need to. My parents are the ones to first notice when something is bothering. But I wait till it has all built up inside and blurt it out all at once with tears, hate and anger.My whole life I’ve known something wasn’t right. It was my sister who convinced me to go and speak with a doctor. I went to one and she sent me to a psychologist. I went to a couple of sessions but felt it wasn’t right. I felt I didn’t trust her. I like to be able to connect with someone before opening up and letting them in on my secretes and struggles. Towards the end of the year, I left my job as a childcare worker and started as a Disability Support Worker. At first it was a very daunting experience, but I grew to love and enjoy it.

It took a few more months and a lot of convincing to go back and see my doctor. But instead, I found a new doctor. I went to her for a few other things first then finally decided to tell her about my thoughts and feelings. Straight away I knew she was going to be very helpful. When I first told her she made sure I was comfortable and ready to speak about what was going on. I suddenly just blurted out everything I was feeling and thinking. I told her how I didn’t like the wat I looked, talked, walked, literally everything about myself. I told her about things that had happened in the past that have affected me. Everything.

2020

It was the end of January that a close friend of mine past away in a car accident. The grief after was something I had never experienced. I have lost close family members in the past but this was different. Something that was unexpected. The family I had lost previously, I was at a younger age and didn’t really understand it all. So being at the age of 24 nearly 25, it was something I had fully understood. I had also welcomed my little nephew into the world. Which definitely brought some happiness. It was a couple weeks after that that I had my first appointment with my new psychologist. In our first session, it was basically getting to know me. My family, friends, things I had been through ect. A few sessions in is when the pandemic really hit and I wasn’t able to go to my sessions face to face, they were over the phone. It was a bit odd. Her trying to complete our sessions without seeing each other. About halfway through the year we were able to go back to face to face. And our first session back, I also had a psychiatrist in with us. He was there to fully diagnose me. We talked about a lot of the things I have been through and how they have affected me and how I react to it. At the end of the appointment, he said the second I walked in he knew I was extremely nervous and uncomfortable. And with everything we talked about, he fully diagnosed me with severe depression and anxiety. I had a feeling I was already suffering it, but it was still hard to hear. He recommended some medication for me to take in hopes that it will help with how anxious I get and help with my depressive thoughts. It took a long time to find the right dosage and right brand to use, but eventually we found the right one.

Once again, we got put in lockdown mid year. This time I felt was different. I found it a lot harder. My mental state was beginning to become worse, and I started having really bad thoughts. Thoughts that I hadn’t experience before. I tried my best to push through and try to push it all aside, but the more I did that, the worse it got. A few of my colleges could tell something was up and tried to talk to me about it but I felt uncomfortable and wouldn’t say anything. At this point the only people who knew about my diagnoses, was my immediate family and 1 friend. When I had my session next with my psychologist, she taught me was to help push all the negativity aside. And taught me how to manage the thoughts when they come. It took me a little while, but I managed. Towards the end of the year, I found myself a boyfriend. It was my first ever relationship. I became very close with him and was comfortable with telling him what I was going through. I was expecting him to be very supportive about it, but it didn’t come across like that.2021

This year I was determined to have a great year. Well, I think nearly every person in the world wanted it. As I was newly in my relationship, it was coming up to my friends 1 year anniversary since he past. There were a few people getting together to celebrate him and have a good day, but because of having to work at a certain time, I was unable to attend. So I decided to ask my boyfriend out for lunch and spend time with him before heading to work. I felt like he didn’t want to be there. When I first asked him, the way he responded made it out like I was ‘making’ him come for lunch. Which obviously wasn’t the case. When having lunch, the whole time it felt like he didn’t even want to be there. On a day like that, I was hoping to be able to be cheered up, not to be made to feel worse. The whole time he talked about himself and what he was up to and what plans were for the next few weeks. It could have been his way of making me feel better but to me, I was hoping he’d ask how I was doing and how I felt, considering he had been through something similar. He lost his dad back in 2019, so I was hoping his experience with grief could help. But I pushed it aside and told myself it was his way of trying to help.

Work was continuing to be good. Had a few times I wish I didn’t have to go, but it was quickly pushed aside. My job consists of assisting a person with a disability with their everyday life. Whether that’s, assisting with, showering, dressing, feeding, cleaning, assisting with their grocery shop, money ect. It is something that brings a lot of joy to me.

I also continued to see my psychologist. With every session we had, I had improved more than the last. I had another appointment with the psychiatrist towards the end of the year. This time with just me. We talked about similar thing to last time but also new things. We also talked about how my sessions were going with my psychologist. At the end, he noted that when I walked in, he could tell I had improved a lot. He said I wasn’t as anxious and had more eye contact with him, and in general, he could tell things were improving. Which definitely made me feel good. So with that, I went out and had a big shopping spree. It’s not every day I spend a lot of money on myself, but that day I could feel myself in a good space and the fact that someone can tell I’m improving made me happy.

A few weeks after that, things with my boyfriend declined. He became very distant. At one point, he would talk to me for 4 days. I didn’t know if I had done something wrong or if something was going on with him. He would never open up to me like I did with him. He always kept things to himself. We had a function with my netball/football club on night. The Bloods Ball. After that night I realised that the only times I had ever seen him were weekends when we had functions with the club. He’d always mention that we should do things during the week, but I had mention a few times what we should do, but he always found some excuse not to. I ended up asking him what was going on with him and why he had always been so distant. He began to say it was because of work. Which I understood, he is a lawyer, so I knew it was a very demanding job. But I also didn’t understand how he was unable to find time for me. He would say he had things on during the week but the I find out he didn’t. So I told him that things needed to change our I was done. I was hoping that he would turn around and say that he wanted to work things out, but instead agreed and we broke up.I had then been told a few things about him that after we broke up, made a lot of sense. One had of me didn’t care but the other half was also upset thinking he was using me to hide something about himself. It took me a little while to get over it all. I had been told by a couple of friends that there was no way that a relationship was meant to be that way. I never felt like I was his ‘girlfriend’ I always just felt like I was just someone he hung out with. But I eventually moved on with help from friends, family and my psychologist.

At the end of the year, I felt like had I was in a really good place. I kept up with my sessions with my psychologist and kept working on the exercises she had taught me. I also found another way to help with my mental state which is going to the gym. At the start of the last year, I started with a Personal Trainer, but always hated going because of my anxiety with being around people and of the way I looked. My PT had become a close friend and was able to help me through things. She also helped me to love myself and enjoy being active. Although I still have problems with how I think I look.

Just before Christmas, my sister and my brother-in-law announced that they’re expecting to have their second baby. Which is due a week before my birthday. I ended up taking 3 weeks off work. The last few times I took time off, I would only take either a few days or just a week. This time I decided to take more off so I can have some actual relaxation time.

2022

I believe this year is going to be good. Although the Pandemic is still going, I feel like this year I’m going to achieve more than I have before. I am in a good state mentally and physically. I have made some new friends, which has been a difficult task for me in the past. I renewed friendships from the past, which I hope to keep this time. But all in all, I’m just happy with where my life is at the moment, and that’s something I haven’t experienced in a very long time.