Top Ten Things To Keep In Mind As An Adult

Adults tend to forget that they aren’t kids. The problem is that some of the things that you learn as kids should be either forgotten or modified as you age into adulthood. The rules are different for adults, and sometimes we forget that. It can thus only help to look at how things have changed for us as adults, and how those changes should affect how we look at things.

You define your fun, not someone else.

You’re going to get a lot of guff from people who think that adults can only pursue serious hobbies, or at least those that fit into specific modes, like reading thick books, watching long shows, and doing yard work, all based on the idea that you should “put away childish things.” NO. You get to decide what you do, and that includes your hobbies and pastimes. If you want to play video games, watch cartoons, or even do some gardening, that’s up to you to decide, not someone else who has no control over your actions, your time, or your wallet. You’re in control of your life, and that includes your free time.

If your next-door cubicle mate insists on using the speakerphone, it gives you the right to not only listen in on the call, but to join in.

Privacy is not just a right but a necessity. Your business should be your own, and you should respect that of others. This means that you should refrain from gossip, spreading misinformation, and barging into conversations that you shouldn’t be part of. If someone makes it your business, such as intruding on yours to make a point or just because they forgot basic politeness, you need to shut it down, preferably as politely as possible. However, if they refuse to adjust their behavior, then join in on the conversation a couple of times and they’ll quickly find a way to keep their conversations quiet.

And if they keep forgetting, there’s usually a higher power you can go to, be it their boss, their clients, or their significant other.

[There are some good reasons to use a speakerphone, such as hearing problems and some people like the additional freedom it gives as they are not having to hold a handset. However, this is why you should be using a headset: It allows for hearing problems, frees up your hands, and gives you your privacy, as well as whoever is being talked to.]

Good fences make for good neighbors. Good lawyers make for good HOAs.

You should always set up boundaries, as well as ways to defend those boundaries. Boundaries should not be seen as “bad,” but as ways to properly demarcate borders, be they physical, social, or legal. People need boundaries to properly function; they provide confidence as they show where you can operate and set limits on where others can mess with you. If someone refuses to set down specific boundaries, then they likely have something shady in mind, such as using your property for their ends with no respect to your wishes for that property.

Ergo, setting boundaries early on is the best way to work: It establishes territory and provides security for both sides. While it’s a bad idea to be too aggressive in setting boundaries as it may send the wrong message (a wooden fence is neighborly while a wired fence in a suburb is a bit much). Asking for a work description is a good thing: It prevents you from doing work for which you’re not authorized or trained for, which is a safety factor for you (it keeps you from danger) and your boss (it limits liability) as long as it’s operated within. It even protects constructs like HOAs from litigation when both sides respect the rules. It Setting boundaries is therefore good and benefits all sides.

[Yes, some people do better without obvious limits, but these people have wide-ranging responsibilities or are expected to fill a wide variety of roles. In general, if someone insists on no boundaries, then it’s a good idea to watch them.]

Ignoring dibs as a kid is annoying. Ignoring dibs as an adult can be dangerous.

“Dibs” (calling things for later use) is an unofficial system that when used well can make life easier for everyone concerned. However, the problem is when people either take too much advantage of the system or ignore it when convenient. This goes back to respecting other people: It’s fine to call dibs every so often, but it’s better to let others also call dibs. If you call dibs too much or ignore the system, you come off as selfish. Worse, if you accuse others of being selfish just so you can call dibs, then you lose respect over it. The best solution is to call dibs when it’s really important, let them call dibs every so often, and rely on paper-rock-scissors when it doesn’t really matter.

If your boss insists on following the rules, follow the rules. He'll either stop enforcing every little rule in a few days, quit from frustration, or set himself up.

First, let’s take a step back: Rules are important and must be enforced. They create limits and define what you can do, as well as protecting both sides. So, rules in and of themselves are not bad. However, too many new managers are more interested in making a mark than managing; they fail to keep in mind that the best managers are invisible, stepping in only when necessary. A manager who creates rules or modifies ones that have been working risks creating greater problems than he set out to solve. Worse, if the new rules don’t work out, he sets himself up for failure and career death.

In an age where everything is recorded or recordable, and where the employees have multiple ways of calling in support, messing up is a very bad idea. A manager who decides to go after the employees for protecting the company and its bottom line is not going to last long. So if you’re put into a leadership position, remember that you lead best when you do the least, not when you are constantly telling people how to do your job, your own job is on the line.

Hiring assassins may be satisfying, but it's still illegal. Instead, give a group of kids a big package of toilet paper.

A response should be measured not emotional. When someone wrongs you, try to keep the response equivalent to the situation. While it may feel good to utterly annihilate the opposition, that rarely solves the problem. There’s a good reason for the saying, “When you dig one grave, dig another”: Revenge may feel good but destroying their eye usually costs you yours. On the other hand, if someone messes up and they show no signs of learning from the experience, then it’s time to show them that the system has karma built in: Just describe the situation to the appropriate authorities, even if it’s just the HR person.

This logic also applies to someone who continually messes with you. If it’s kept at a rivalry level, keep it there: There’s no reason to escalate, as a good rivalry keeps both sides sharp. A bad rivalry, one that escalates, should be avoided, as it only leads to a bad place, usually one that will end up harming both sides, and likely lead somewhere neither side wants. As such, keep your rivalries simple but DO NOT ESCALATE; keep it clean and both sides benefit; get dirty, and the stains can become more than inconvenient.

If the company calls for an "appreciation potluck," remember that the time you spend cooking can be charged to the company.

Never do something for your employer without a clear reward. This isn’t to say you can’t be nice or volunteer for charities (being nice is the ultimate social lubricant), but it does mean that if the company is using your time for their purposes, you should get paid for it. While this is a little cynical, it also maintains boundaries with work as well as ensuring respect for your skills. This same logic applies to decorating the office for the holidays, mentoring less experienced employees, and serving on committees: If it has a benefit to the company, then they can pay for it, or at least allow time in your day.

This creates a huge problem with charities, especially when the company puts effort into signing up donators. If you can afford a few bucks, maybe $10-$20, go for it (it makes you look good in the eyes of your boss, and that’s worth it when promotions are being debated), try to avoid giving too much (you’re there to make money for rent, bills, and your own hobbies, after all, not to pay into their interests), and especially be wary if your boss gets bonuses for signing people up (some of that should filter back to their underlings).

Respect noise ordinances. You never know when the neighbor you annoy has bigger speakers than you do.

Never create problems if you don’t have to. In some cases, becoming a problem can definite results: If you’re constantly the one who plays music at three in the morning, he landlord is likely to decide to deal with the problem by evicting you. You can actually have to worry about fines and lawsuits, especially if you keep everyone up at night. This goes beyond mere noise complaints: If you become a problem (like taking up parking spaces) then there is always some retribution possible (them putting a car in the place).

You should, of course, defend yourself. If someone is coming after you, you should defend yourself, be it taking the person to court, getting authorities involved, even malicious compliance. However, you should not be the source of the problem yourself. If someone is playing their music too loud, confirm the decibels, complain, and if nothing is done or the police stop showing up, show those jerks what a few dollars spent at a pawn shop can do.

One or two nights of even louder music generally does the trick, and you did try the standard avenues before resorting to such evil.

But the key here is that, while you can respond to problems, make sure that they don’t originate from you. And don’t play lawyer here: The law doesn’t respect pre-emptive attacks. “I just know they were thinking of doing something” has no weight, and it puts you in the wrong light.

[The obvious corollary is “make sure that there is an actual problem.” Bosses and courts hate people who bring up situations that aren’t actual problems, like kids playing basketball in the afternoon. You may prefer silence, for example, but the community as a whole put that court there for a reason. The same applies to minor aggravations; be an adult and deal with it. Yes, there are some situations where the person is purposely doing something to get under your skin and you’re more than welcome to deal with it, but make sure that it’s an actual problem and not one based merely on how you would prefer things done.]

If your neighbor demands a survey, do it.

One of the biggest jokes in real estate is the neighbor who demanded a survey and was then found out to they had over-extended themselves. The over-extending neighbor was using the survey as a way to intimidate the other neighbor into accepting their changes to the property lines; that is, the neighbor was trying to get more property for free, and was counting on the person backing down when given a choice between defending their rights and being seen as “that guy” who needs to bring in an authority; if you don’t the guts to defend yourself, are you really a man?

This logic doesn’t apply to just property. A lot of people will challenge you to call in an authority when they want to do something shady, relying on you to back down because you don’t want to be seen as the one having to go to an authority, such as your boss, the landlord, or even the cops. “Don’t snitch” is something that we’ve been trained to do since we were kids. While this works for kids, it doesn’t work so well for adults; sometimes you need to bring in an authority of some sort to deal with the problem.

You shouldn’t hesitate to do so if you see no other recourse. Those people are being paid to deal with disagreements; if they aren’t then they aren’t doing their job. In some cases, just as the police, you’re paying for them. Heck, even bosses have found that a happy employee is a productive employee and a landlords have found it better to keep their renters happy. So don’t hesitate to bring in an authority to the situation.

1) Use any excuse to celebrate. Even if you have to make something up.

Seriously: Sometimes you just need to cut loose. Sometimes you need to pat someone on the back. Sometimes you need to pat yourself on the back. It’s also great to catch up with friends and family. Oh, and let’s not forget that getting together outside of work is not always a bad thing. Basically, as long as it doesn’t interfere with anything else, celebrate whenever you get the chance, and don’t be afraid to make something up; an impromptu party can be even more fun than a planned party.

In short, do unto others as you would have done unto yourself. It really doesn’t get any simpler than that. While you are allowed some self-interest, the key is understanding where the boundary between your self-interest and community interest lies and knowing which takes priority. By understanding where that line lies and maintaining it, you actually become more powerful, not less: A person who supports their community is in turn supported by the community, and that’s a source of power worth tapping into.