Moment by Moment

You know what I was really good at for a very long time???

Breaking promises to myself.

Talking bad to myself.

Using everybody else's opinions, approval and validation as a measure of success for myself.

Going against my body’s needs and requests for rest and still pushing myself.

You wanna know what I became even better at over the years?

LETTING GO.

Good-bye to the toxic narrative around making promises.

Bye to the unhealed inner critic who has time to sit around and talk bad to me all day.

Peace out to my old definition of success.

And Adios to everything that is not serving my body’s highest good.

You wanna know what gentleness looks like for me this year and beyond?

The other day I came across this video I recorded from an early morning in December 2020. I was grounded, rested, tapped in and present.

I don't remember exactly what prompted this video but I'm like, Yasssss!

It's so magical how we look out for our future self. When I watched it the other day it was on time and so needed.

A past pattern had snuck up on me again.

The pattern of taking on too much and moving too fast... which triggered some old tapes of negative self-talk.

This is why it is my intention this year to re-connect with the version of myself in that video.

LIVING MOMENT BY MOMENT

Being present is something I’ve struggled with most of my life. I’m usually somewhere in my head taking inventory of the past or daydreaming about the future.

Living on those two ends of the spectrum has created a meaty recipe for chasing one shiny object after another.

To know me, is to know that I am a very multi-passionate being. I have a history of wearing many hats and juggling many roles. If I am curious or interested in something I will explore it. It’s really quite addictive. I don’t recommend it.

There's that saying, "curiosity killed the cat."

But remember, the cat has 9 lives, so she keeps coming back.

Here's my take on it...

The cat doesn't die…More like, aspects and versions of herself are killed off. With each curious venture she came face to face with parts of her that no longer fit for who she was becoming.

Each time she comes back stronger. Because she learned.

I'll admit that my multi-passionism led to a lack of focus, energy depletion and never attaining what I was really dreaming about anyway.

I hated that I couldn’t stay focused or consistent in something that I claimed to love so much.

If I was into something and something else caught my eye, I would abandon the first thing and move on.

And when I did move on, I would experience extreme guilt and a lot of self-judgement which caused me to circle back to the abandoned thing.

Or even worse, if I wasn't ready to let a thing go, but really wanted the other thing too, I would end up in a crazy mess, juggling two different things.

Oh, and please don’t let another thing come along.....

This cycle of behavior was another reason why I took I deep dive into myself. If you've read my Dreaming to Awakening story already, you were introduced to a few other reasons.

Now don't get me wrong, I believe being multi-passionate is a beautiful thing. You learn so much and become so skilled along the way. And for a long time, having so many skills was my badge of honor.

Like yep, I can do this and this and this. Oh you need help with that? I can do that too!

But like the beginning of that one quote says...

That is exactly how I felt. Like I wasn't mastering anything. Just caught in an endless loop of passions. I did have an end goal and bigger vision for each passion but felt I needed more skills, more knowledge, etc.

In my deep dive I discovered that I was operating from the dark side of multi-passionism.

Using it to run away from my past and escape into my future.

Using it to try to hold on to my dreams but still live up to my parent's expectations of being who I said I was.

Using it as another way to create chaos because I felt I was undeserving of peace and ease.

Using it as another way to set unrealistic goals and make promises that I didn’t keep, to prove why it was worth being mean to myself.

Using it to prove I was successful.

It was a big message saying that the present was way too painful for me to exist in.

But why???

Too much truth there. Too much work there. It’s uncomfortable there.

Once I made those connections, I realized I was running from me.

That I didn’t like me. And then I had to unpack all of which came with that.

One truth I did reconnect with in the unpacking is that I am slow moving by nature. My constitution is slow. I talk slow. I process information slow. I even have slow pulse. My slowness was a thing when I was younger and not a pleasant one. I was always being rushed into action.

When I had that Aha moment, it became my passion to slow down, honor my myself, honor my needs, and be present.

But what does that even mean? What does that look like?

I know for me it’s been a progression and a learning curve. Since I was using multi-passionism as a band-aid to cover my pain points, which looked like saying YES to everything, I’ve had to learn to say NO.

NO to juggling multiple roles at one time. NO to opportunities coming in. NO to everything that I would normally say YES to.

SLOW MEDICINE

And saying NO created more opportunity for rest and time to sit with myself. Time to create rituals and take small actions that help me to love ME.

Which proves that I am worth staying with vs. running from.

It’s been challenging to say NO. To let go and move slow. Especially when we live in a world that pushes the opposite. Especially when I've been programmed to do the opposite. But like I mentioned before, I’m getting better at it.

This year I’m taking living in each moment to the next level. To just experience each day at a time. Each person at a time. Each project at a time. Each meal at a time. Fully immersing my mind, body and soul into that moment and being all there.

It’s self-care at its finest. This allows me to observe my thoughts and speak words of nourishment and compassion when I need to hear it the most. Like in the video above.

It also helps me to make choices, set realistic goals, and take action from an empowered place. Not a place from the past or a place in the future. But from what is real in that moment.

I always use birth as inspiration and a reference when I need a reminder in how to be present. In labor, you can only experience one wave (contraction) at a time. You are called to surrender to that moment. Your full body and being is taken over by that moment. You are there, no matter how you experience it or work through it, you are all there. Then that wave is over. You rest. And then comes the next. There is no time to focus on that wave that just passed or the wave that is coming next.

SURRENDER

The energy in this photo, coupled with the words I spoke in that video, is exactly the tone, texture and feeling I am embodying every day this year. Surrendering to the present.