What's love got to do with it

10 Years of a relationship can definitely start going stale. It's not like i don't love him, i just think I'm no longer IN love with him. My therapist says marriages go through many stages. I'm not sure which stage this one is, but I hope i can make it through it.

We've definitely had our ups and downs that's for sure. Alcoholic fueled fights, cheating, the death of my mother, moving states, 2 kids, moving back across the states, homelessness, cutting off family, it's a lot. Mentally sometimes i feel as though i won't come back from it all.

And again as usual i played my part in it all. Wouldn't i look half about a dumb ass to try and play victim? We try, we try to forgive and forget. The difference? I have been, and currently go to therapy to grow from my toxicity.

I really want to be happy. I think he deserves to be happy as well. But in all the therapy, is it wrong to say i feel like we are on two total different wave lengths? What he considers love is not what i consider love. Likewise with what i need to receive love, is not what he needs. I try the prospective looking from his angel and even try to communicate numerous times my needs. It always gets flipped back on to me. But I've been getting better at exploding. And my alcohol consumption is damn near little to none.

I can sit back calmly now when he gets mad and irritated for me expressing myself and i can hear the emotional abuse. I can hear the name calling, the abandonment, the flipping the script; I'm the problem not him. I can see it objectively now for what it is. On the one hand I don't deserve this. I really don't. On the other hand, as explained in my intro, I'm kind of boxed in for the moment.

To leave would mean to let go of my kids. Not that i want to but that's the reality of my options in what's best for them. I'm a felon, with no degree, no trade, and no one thinks minimum wage should be raised, so there's no way I'm supporting 4 kids on my own. No car, because the one we have is his. Him and his brother. No house, no family to fall back on with my mom died, my sister and I do NOT talk, my uncles a hermit, aunts dead, god parents dead. When i say i have no village, literally the best option would have to be leaving them with him until i could get on my feet, which with the way the economy is set up and I'm so nicely boxed in, I would never be able to have them in any home of mine again. I ill never be able to afford one.

So I try, and try again to fall back in love with this man. He may not be perfect, hell, I'm not. But he deserves love and happiness. I try to be there and show up. Listen to his stresses, and see what ways i can curb his life to be a little easier on him. All while waiting for the last child to leave the house so i can not give a fuck and just leave myself.

Wish it didn't have to be this way. He deserves to find someone to love him genuinely, the way he deserves to be loved. Someone that corresponds on his wave length. I just don't think I'm that person. I've asked him to go to therapy. I've hinted that maybe if he goes, he'll realize I'm not the girl of his dreams.

He laughs and calls me ridiculous. Says nothing will stop him from loving me. While at the next slip up saying I'm a Bitch, I'm a manipulative bitch, I'm crazy, I'm the problem. But don't worry, he's just angry, and and and I just know people say things they don't mean when they're angry. Except when it comes up and comes out more than once.

Whatever. I'm sure from his perspective, I am a monster. My alcohol fueled anger isn't the prettiest and has landed me many a night in jail. Trust when i say i wouldn't put up with me either.

But that's why I also started therapy. Not because of my husband. No, I've been in and out of therapy my whole life whenever I've felt like i needed it. Just so happens, lately I've felt that way. I want to stop hurting, and stop hurting others. I just wish he would do the same. But i can't make him.

My therapist says i should be okay as long as i don't feel my attention wander else where. It doesn't. For the most part, I want to be done with it all. When i say meld into the forest, i want to fuse with the trees! lol I have no interest in partners that offer cruel words and empty promises. I'm to old to believe in fairy tales, and the reality of having to make my own dreams happen has already taken root within me.

We're still sexually active with each other. Whether it's attraction or just lust however is a different story. I'm still figuring it all out.

Coming on here crying about it does absolutely nothing for the situation outwardly, but inwardly as stated in this pseudo character, it just feels nice to get that off my chest. I don't think I'm IN love with him anymore.

I know, it requires a conversation with him, and I've tried. But will he let me stay knowing that? Could we physically live under the same roof to take care of and be apart of the kids lives without fooling each other? Can we separately move on while living with one another? Would he be willing to accept it?

By no means is he required to do so. I'm not his problem. If anything it's all mine. And I'm doing my best to navigate through this. Ah the sins of the skin. It has me left feeling if maybe love itself is a skin emotion. For we can truly share a connection with anyone. Some deeper than others. However, it's not like we bond with one person our whole lives, we bond with many souls, many energies.

So is this whole monogamous love another confine by society? Energetically speaking, we love infinitely. I mean honestly, lustfully speaking, we can love infinitely too.

Eh maybe it's just all crap. I. DONT. KNOW.

Until next nightmarish ramble; ya'll have a good one.