Hello Out There

Hopefully i can write a little easier behind this pseudo character.

Who I am is irrelevant. I am an individual like anyone else that has been through life, and societies ups and downs. What i will say is that i live in the United States, and if you've been paying attention to the news, you know how much of a shit show that is right now.

None of us back the Orange man. Well, none of us middle class and lower at least. But I'm not here to complain about politics. ....at least not this session. Eventually it'll come up. His idiocrasy effects all of us.

I'm here in general just to vent about life. Isn't that what we all do?

I'm a 34 yr old married female mom of 4, and I'm at a turning point in my life. Except it's a slow turning point because of how boxed in I am with my life. By boxed in i mean no matter how much growth and self development I do inwardly, there's very little i can do outwardly to change my life, and direction. That is my fault. And currently it's just a waiting game until everyone is out of the house.

Doesn't seem like an ideal situation does it? Disassociation has become my biggest friend to cope with the rat race I'm running. Not to say i don't love my kids. I love each and every one of my tiny terrors. But if i could go back and redo it with the knowledge i have now, i think i would.

I'm sure I'm not the only parent that feels that, we just usually don't dare utter it out loud. Fear of judgement, fear of misunderstanding, fear of hearing there is something wrong with us for NOT being content with the life we currently have. But if single childless people are allowed to be unhappy, allowed to be discontent, and have the ability to change their life direction, SO CAN WE!!!!!

Stop right there, this is not a motivational "how to" essay on how to turn your frown upside down. To be honest, I'm still working on that very much myself.

No, like I said this is my vent. I'm just explaining why as a mother I am allowed to have certain emotions and feelings like any other human being. You'd think i wouldn't have to explain, but the unspoken "mom standards" is ridiculous. I must enjoy my hot mess of a life every single minute, don't ya know.

And I'm sure there are mothers out there that have the ability to turn their lives into the direction they want to go. I give those women props. I have tried! But others previous fuck ups have me in my own little cube.

I'd love to be able to afford to enjoy life with my kids for example. At the current moment that's not possible; see side synopsis, we're broke. We're poor. I mean 6 months in the family shelter 2022, gov housing currently, food stamps, and still barley getting by. Car payment, gas, insurance, cell phones, internet, utilities, holidays, birthdays, school supplies, clothes, simple things food stamps doesn't buy (TP, paper towels, trash bags, tin foil, shampoo, conditioner, soap, deodorant, dish soap, laundry detergent, cleaning supplies) and we're a family size of 6.

i mean hell, people not on gov help are barley getting by. When you hear rumors of people using, and abusing assistance, i say WHERE!!!!!! I'm not the only one in this situation. We know other families also receiving gov aid, and STILL DROWNING. Don't believe anything that tells you our economy is good. Good for who? The Elite?

Sorry, side tracked, side tracked. Damn ADHD. It'll happen a lot, so I do apologize now for the bippity boppity bounce around.

Okay, as I was saying, I know alot will say "Get a good job!" To which I laugh. I've tried. Have you seen what our minimum wage is compared to our cost of living? Again even for a single childless person, it's ridiculous. My husband is an Assistant General Manager at a Taco bell, and I, was attempting to turn my life around and try Massage School.

Right up until 9 weeks in, find out i can't be state licensed due to my criminal record. I'm a felon long story short, 13 yrs ago today, Escape charge. How does that stop my from getting my state license? i don't know. Would i have to fight the state board? yes. Was i told to lawyer up for that? Yes. Can i afford a lawyer? what the hell do you think.

So scratch that idea. Stuck to the mediocrity of these minimum wage jobs that society deems for "high schoolers". At least that's the excuse they use to not raise minimum wage to a decent living wage. Cant get a good trade, can't work my way up to certain positions, and can't go back to college. Not like a degree would do me any good. Seems like as soon as you get a record, for ANYTHING, you're deemed a piece of shit to society.

You don't deserve to be here, eat, feed your kids even. As if to say : "We may give you a second chance reentering society, but society themselves will make sure you never get a second chance at survival. Nope, you're fucked. And don't you dare turn to any side hustles to provide for your family. And it's illegal to go off grid and Homestead. No you can't go about it being independent. You must be completely dependent on us to survive even though we deem you low worth and will pay you as such."

As for college you might wonder. That has nothing to do with my felony. That was my dumb ass at a young age getting bored, switching majors indecisively, and dropping out 3 times until my GPA dropped to a 1.8. Which resulted in me loosing my financial aid and can not reapply until i can pull my GPA back up to at least a 2.0. Which again as now a mother of 4, i don't have the funds to pay for any class out of pocket.

In short, life sucks, society sucks, my situation sucks. Will it suck forever? Hopefully not. I'm going to stay positive and search for other routes out of this. But for now, I have made this intro WAY to long. If you read all of this, KUDOS. lol

I don't consider my rambles that interesting. Anyways, I've just spent quiet sometime spewing, and an eerie quite going on in the house that shouldn't be with 4 kids. Back to reality, and see what these monsters are up to.

Till next vent