The Trouble with /My/ Time

Today is supposed to be my fresh start to a new week, but I am still reeling with the realization that my private property means absolutely nothing to my children's father, that my parenting time and my personal plans are irrelevant enough to him to risk our child going without the prescription drink he needs - just because said adult's schedule is the sole valuable one?, and that there is likely nothing I can do to stop this behavior from simply continuing.

But, I also don't want to allow the fear to keep me stuck in a bad place - or give him the satisfaction of completely derailing my week!

So, this week has a blank slate for Monday, my Tuesday morning appointment with my eye doctor appointment on Tuesday evening, my Wednesday is as normally scheduled - with an extra appointment for my daughter with her primary care provider, Thursday is the day that I am hoping to do a bit of writing on, and Friday has appointments for my son as well as my own autism therapy appointment.

My biggest issue that I see is that I may not be able to say no to surprise appointments without negative consequences and give myself the time that I need to spend on writing. And, I still don't have the support I need in my home, so I often spend hours trying to do the activities of daily living that cause me so much pain... instead of writing... and/or am in too much pain to do the writing that I need to do.

There is the mountain of paperwork that I need to deal with - sooner than later. There are the phone calls that I still need to make. There are the boxes that I still should pack up in preparation for moving. There is always something that my brain keeps placing as higher priority than my writing...

I know that I need to prioritize my writing because ... well... it always helps me feel better. Maybe not right away, but even when I write about hard topics, it gives me a delayed sense of being able to breath easier.

But, my writing has also been told to me (and to others around me) as a thing that "hurts" people.

Why would I want to write if it was going to hurt people?

My ex is one of the loudest voices about how much harm my writing does... but, he could simply choose not to read my blog... or spy on my personal Facebook page... or another completely wild thought!!!: not act in a manner that causes him pain seeing it in black and white?

He says that I want to hurt him, but the truth is?

Intentionally hurting him would hurt my kids. So, no, I don't want to cause him harm. But, I am not alright with continuing to stay silent regarding actions that have been harmful to me.

I thought that that wasn't "harming an individual" and instead allowing myself to heal. If it brings "social uncomfortability," perhaps that is more accurately labelled "natural consequences?"

I don't know if my writing actually causes harm or not since accountability is painful for those who are used to dodging responsibilities... and seeing actions in black and white could be very upsetting.

I know that I get upset seeing my actions being twisted into something they aren't in black and white... but I also know that it isn't my job to change how people feel about me or how people perceive me.

It is my job to be authentic. It is my job to care for my children and their needs to be met. It is my job to care for myself.

So, we will see if I hold my writing time firmly scheduled in - or if the fear that my writing is going to be twisted into a weapon against me (again) wins the war inside of my head!

What are your plans for success this week?