Spend It Wisely

My alarm clock basically slapped me in the face this morning, making sure I got out of bed. It might as well have thrown cold water over me. It was that painful. I could hear it nagging at me, "Come On! GET UP! You don't want to lose your job, do you?!" No, but that doesn't mean I wanted to go either.

After a pretty bland breakfast, you know, one of those breakfasts that you eat just for the sake of not starving, I grabbed my bag, left my place and got on the bus, heading to work. As I sat down, I glanced around to see all the other morning commuters. No one seemed happy about where they were going. Not a smile amongst them. They all looked like they would rather be back in bed. And I'm pretty sure the guy on the back seat was asleep too. The sky outside was as grey and as lifeless as the people on the bus, and they looked about as bland as my breakfast. I'm ashamed to say, this wasn't anything new. I was so scared that I might, one day, give up and become just like them. Another lost soul. Maybe I already was, and just didn’t know it yet.

To distract myself from the cold Monday morning commute and impending existential crisis, I pulled out my phone and joined the rest of the herd as I mindlessly swiped along, trying to find something to make me feel just a little better.

It then occurred to me that I hadn't checked the bets I made over the weekend. I had drunkenly put some money on the game and forgot all about it. I pulled up the app, signed in and stared at the screen with the dumbest, most confused look on my face as my account said that it had twenty thousand dollars in it. Twenty. Thousand. Dollars.

My thought process went something like this:

What? Really? This is a scam, right? Come on! There is no way that number is real! Twenty thousand—Oh my god! No. It’s not real. It can't be!

But it was. As much as I tried to prove it wasn't, it was. My bet had come in. You see people on TV win money all the time and they scream and shout, jump up and down, they run down the street, kissing the neighbour’s dog, doing cartwheels and ripping their shirts off. But after I had accepted that it was, in fact, real, I was almost immediately overwhelmed by my options.

Now what do I do? I suppose I've got bills to pay. That would be the most sensible thing to do. But you can't take debt with you! Live a little! Go travel! You always wanted to see Rome. Now you can! If I go to Rome, I'll need a new wardrobe. All new clothes. And maybe a nice watch. Yeah, that'll cheer me up. I could get a new car, stop getting the bus. Maybe that'll make me happy. What about my family? Should I help them? No one is really doing too great right now, maybe I should help them. Or would they get offended? People do that, you know. Get offended by people giving them money. Makes them feel inferior. Would they think that? Would they get all uncomfortable around me if I gave them something? It is a lot of money.

Here I was, with twenty thousand dollars in my pocket, and I'm getting anxious! I quickly remembered that I was on a bus and stopped hyper ventilating because people were starting to look at me funny.

The bus started emptying a little as it got closer to my stop and I realised, I was still heading to work!

Why? I hate that place. The manager has been horrible to me ever since I started. I'm pretty sure they've got something against me. And what I do is not important, at all. I'm not appreciated there. I'm just another cog in the machine. Easily replaced. I definitely don't get paid enough. I should quit. I should just get off this bus and quit.

So that's what I did. I rang the bell, the bus stopped, and I got off four stops before I usually do. I needed to walk anyway, just sitting there was driving me crazy.

I tried to clear my mind.

What do I do with this money?! Give it to charity? Or at least some of it to charity. That would be a nice thing to do. Maybe I can use this money to finally figure out what I want to do with my life! Maybe. Maybe I could invest it! Turn it into millions! Then I could buy all sorts of stuff. Then I’d be really happy. Wow. A million dollars would be cool. Is this what rich people think every day? "How do I spend my money? " Twenty thousand is hardly rich, slow down Bill Gates.

I went to get a coffee to relax a little. I was stood in the coffee shop, waiting for my turn, having not even decided what coffee I wanted--

I can't even decide what coffee I want! How am I going to figure out what to do with all this money?!

--when I saw a little black book sat on the counter for sale. Five dollars. I picked it up, ordered my coffee, (vanilla latte), and went back outside to sit down in the outdoor area. I immediately opened my bag, pulled out a pen, then dived head-first into my new black book and started to compile a list.

What I should do with this money

Help Family/Friends

Travel

Finally get a car

Invest (In what?)

Charity

New clothes?

I just wasn't sure. The choices were endless. The last thing I wanted to do was to waste it. It needed to be big. This money was finally going to fix my life. I was finally going to be the person who I always wanted to be. I just couldn't figure out who that was.

Then my phone rang. Work.

Oh no. I’m late. What do I do? Do I answer? What do I say? Do I quit? Should I go in? I should really go in. Or at least tell them. What do I do?

The phone eventually stopped ringing, and with it, strangely, went my panic. It was over. My eyes didn’t leave my phone straight away. I stared at the one missed call. The money I had won had turned a job I loathed, a job that brought me real discomfort and self-loathing, a job that made it harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning, into just a missed call on my phone. In that moment I realized I didn’t have to worry about being late. Or showing up at all. I sat back in my chair and just stopped for a moment. I stopped worrying. I breathed.

The weather had picked up. It was now a really nice day. The clouds had gone, and the sun was out. Funny how I had only just noticed it. I saw a leaf fall from a tree and watched it land right in some woman's bag as she walked past. It made me smile thinking of when she inevitably finds that in her bag and the look of confusion that will stretch across her face. I saw another woman get out of her car and get her jacket caught in the door as she closed it. I could see people opening up their businesses for the day, probably hopeful for a busy one. And in that moment, I wasn't worrying about anything. I was just living. Breathing in everything that the day had to offer.

Then the thought occurred to me; Why did I have to do anything with this money? Why couldn't I, for a while, at least, just keep it. Let it sit in my bank and allow me to be comfortable for a change. To be content. I could sit on it, while I look for a job that means something to me. I could just, be. Without having to worry about rent. Not having to worry about rent for a while would be great. I'd finally have some peace of mind.

I was so focused on making sure it was spent right that I didn’t even get to enjoy the fact that I had just won twenty thousand dollars! Instead of just appreciating that moment, I instead decided to become confused and anxious, thinking about the future instead of the moment. Maybe those people rollerblading down the street when they win money were onto something.

So I grabbed my pen, crossed out the list and wrote something else underneath it.

I wrote:

Spend it wisely. Whatever that means to you. It could be guitar lessons, traveling, a mortgage or you can just take it easy, for a while. You might want to paint all day or give it to people without, but whatever you do with it, make sure it’s what you want to do. Don’t wish you had more. And don’t waste it on the wrong people. There will be some who will tell you what you can or can’t spend it on. They’ll convince you that you’re doing something wrong and they’ll trick you into wasting it on something you never really wanted. Don’t listen to them. It’s yours. Not theirs. They’ve got their own. You don't have to decide right now. You'll figure it out. Take a chance with it. You’ll never get it again. Just try and enjoy it, while you have it, cause the last thing you want, is to realize, once it’s gone, that you spent it on the wrong things.