Social Cues During Sex and Being a Woman with Autism

With a late-stage diagnosis, I recently concluded that my natural behaviors during intercourse are probably just another aspect of my autism. I have only had one physically sexual relationship in my life with my long-term partner, I’m familiar with my body; I know what to expect, what happens; I’ve watched porn, etc.

When I was young and beginning to explore my sexuality, I realized that I didn’t feel the impulse, urge, or desire to moan or show visual signs of pleasure through facial expressions. So I attempted to fake it just to see if maybe everyone forces it. I thought maybe it makes sex feel better or just different. It didn’t.

Once I started to be intimate with people other than myself, online or in person, I essentially mastered the art of fake moaning and response because I knew that’s what my partners expected. I know the exact amount of panting, clawing, kissing, and forced twitching it takes to put on a successful show. It is societally accepted that humans use body language as a form of expression, and I’m sure some experience satisfaction from verbally communicating pleasure. I know for a fact some people can’t control whether they make noise or not. I’ve heard sex stories about one partner asking the other why they are so quiet, requesting more volume, and finding the lack of bodily response strange.

For me, sex often ends up feeling like a performance, and I am just an actor playing my part. The expectation of moaning or even just verbal affirmation creates so much pressure to be 100% focused and present, I find I need to constantly remind myself to react. The mental energy I have to dedicate to thinking about when to moan, how heavy I should breathe, and how to kiss is insanely exhausting when the act itself is centered around complete relaxation and letting go. It feels like the majority of sex I have had, I am fully masking, even with the person I am most comfortable with, because of this learned act.

The most mature trait someone can have is excellent communication skills. I have gotten a lot of shit about not being able to communicate effectively with my partner, “You’re supposed to be able to completely trust your partner”, “Communicaton is so important in a relationship”. I have heard it all. Being autistic, knowing what to do and how to perform good communication is an issue within itself. Most of the time, I feel like I am fighting my own brain to the point that even if I know what to do and say, the words just won’t come out.

Many autists struggle with their sex drive. I know some are asexual, and I don’t really know where I fall on that spectrum. My sex drive is significantly lower than my partner’s and most people I know, which is another factor in my feminine performance. I must provide a good time for my partner, make them feel good, and loved, even if I’m not in the mood, I will have sex because pleasing them brings me joy––even if there is a small part of me that feels like I will be a disappointment if I don’t. None of this is a reflection of who I have relations with, I know people will read that I have sex when I am not aroused in order to people please, and alarm bells will ring and everyone will start screaming in my ear about the importance of consent and respecting boundaries. They wouldn’t be wrong, but it sucks to have people blame my partner for my discomfort and inability to communicate. I am not affected by my having sex when I’m not in the mood; it’s mildly annoying, but my feelings remain unhurt, and I don’t resent my partner for wanting sex.

Having sex feels good, I think most would agree with this. But I know it would feel so much better if I could just lie face down, completely silent. Unfortunately, we women have been conditioned to the greatest extent of politeness and manners, that I can easily recognize how my lack of reaction could make my partner feel like I am not enjoying our time together. My womanhood is the biggest burden I have ever dealt with. My autism has made me uncomfortable with things many people find second nature, while my learned behaviors as a girl ultimately dictate how I respond to others. The expectation to be emotionally nurturing, sexually responsive, and expressive, even when it’s inauthentic, has been culturally ingrained. There are very few moments in my day-to-day life where I am not racking my brain, trying to be the most considerate, caring person I can. So yes, even with my partner, the person I am supposed to love and trust the MOST, I neglect communication to ensure they have the best experience.

I have never organically engaged with anyone; it is all a performance and I play the starring role. There is so much shame in unmasking and being authentic, I don’t know who I would be. I don’t think I’ve ever really had sex as myself. It’s always been through a filter of expectation, of performance, of trying to be the kind of woman I was taught to be. Being autistic and being a woman will always make me feel conflicted. I’m expected to make others feel good, to communicate in the “right” way, to be soft and expressive and reassuring, even in a carnal sense. I don’t think I am wrong for being quiet or for wanting to experience sex without the pressure to perform. But I am disappointed in how much effort I have put into making others feel good first.