Memories: 2 February 2025

2 February 2025

2 February 2023

…

Trigger warning: suicidal ideation, cancer, survival to thrival in my own weird unique ways, religious/spiritual metaphors, cptsd triggerings.

>

>

My former Engish psych nurse friend used to delight in telling me: “Sometimes you have go a little insane to save yourself” delivered with a sneer of idiosyncratic idiopathic elitist derision.

She could be funny at times. I should know. I was stuck in that toxic drain of a friendship for 15 years while I drooled and shuffled on hefty psych meds and she by turns coddled me and betrayed me: her little pet, her savage wild Berserker anti-establishment monstrosity dulled down into obliteration and suicide ideation.

Her fait accompli?: introducing me to Courtenay then denying she did that then by turns sabotaging the relationship then manipulating him and I to stay together. He had to go eventually. Don’t miss him. Don’t miss either of them. The triad from hell.

She simply could not make up her mind if she wanted me in a relationship with a man or wanted me for herself. A puppet on a string, unfurled like a discombobulated yo yo.

Eventually I realised she had a form of Munchhausens by proxy with her own Bipolar adolescent daughter and I started going deep within, mid-drool, mid-shuffle, mid-Parkinsonian arm jerking and questioning all her motivations.

I became quite suicidal so ultimately after her last betrayal I bailed in early 2015. The suicide attempt eventuated in August 2015. Under so much pressure I could not go on one day longer. But the gods had other plans.

It’s the second time in two days I have had cause to think about Gail. Hmmm. Not good. I don’t need to mull over stale dead evil perverted dangerous friendships or even more treacherous love liaisons with tricksters, psychopaths and cheats.

I have better things to do: like heal my freshly spliced scar and build a newer better life for myself, free of the maddening crowd.

Make jewellery, make love to Life herself. Now that my friends…is an art form of mysterious and intentional proportions.

Life has become rather precarious and toxic too. She’s grown a beard and donned an animal suit and is stinking in the oestrous of her own co-creations.

She’s breathing down my neck and tickling my jangled nerve endings and playing my auric field like a piano accordion, and laughing in my face with her fetid breath and gnarled talons.

Fecundity and life force stolen by the queen of tarts and the mad hatter has my money and my salubrious sense of humour but here I sit schvitzing in the Brisbane humidity at 4:24 am wondering…what the fuck?

I have overdone it, of course. I got bored and hammered out love hearts from a card case I carefully deconstructed with my jewellers saw. Why? Cos I could and boredom leads to mischief and I had a wound to distract from. Skin cancers always bring out my worst Borderline tendencies. Turn me superhuman or supranatural or just plain Berserk.

That serious suicide attempt was brought on by two cancers cleaved from my shoulders back in 2015 so here we go again…another invasion and another triggering and only I can bloody well put the skids on it and rein my rancid psyche in and pull myself together.

I need to dance myself to Death. One more sleep. Then out I will go. Make a damnèd fool of myself as I have done for most weekends over the course of 12 years. Push back Death and declension and devastation and drag myself to the superficial glitter with the grit of a mad monk.

It’s almost demonic, or delightful. I can’t decide which, chasing as I do the ghosts of evil shades: past,present and sometimes future.

Yesterday morning I woke from a horrific nightmare that my daughter Jasmine was being raped in an adjacent room. In the dream she was about 15 or 16. Jarrod and I were beside ourselves…not knowing how to protect her. I went to war. Then woke up still fighting and screaming in the mists of that dream as it quickly evaporated, feeling deeply traumatised as I hope like hell that wherever my kid is, that she is safe.

That we all are safe, and loved and nurtured and protected. From the evils of our current Epoch.

But I pushed that dream away and kept myself busy throughout the day. The nighttime has wrought insomnia and I am haunted by the Shades: my former friend, and my long estranged younger daughter.

I must ask myself? What am I cleaving to this life so hard for? Like a limpit on a cragged storm-tossed rocks. What’s it all for?

For the creativity? The joy, the triumphant return of my heart? For the bliss of knowing there was nothing new under the sun and nothing more I could have done but exist in an inversion. A parody. A paradigm shift wrought by CERN and other malfeasant scientists? A putrescence without end. Where will I be standing when the dust settles?

My cleaning lady arrives in the morning. I have asked G-d to protect my home and garden so no more spooks rattle her or my mower man (who now says, after much pressure from my brave fierce Fatima, my case worker, that he will mow on Saturday!)

Oh G-d I hope so. The house and garden need to be maintained. And I don’t have the time/energy/patience for these sadistic psy op games. Seriously.

Anyway Laila Tov! I will attempt the sleep of the just and the hopeful and the obstreperous but defiantly determined. I will push the spirits to the corners of hell from whence they came.

Flights of angels that scorn me for being wild, carefree and a bit magical can fly me to my final resting place one fine day.

The Holy One who long denied me safe life affirming comforting true deep love will have his Way with me in the end. As He has always done.

Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel and Michael! Hallelujah!

Protection I need but instead I am teased and tormented. But it’s kinda funny. So I will go with that.

“Bougie bougie” boogie woogie bugle boy. Blow your Horn. We’s a-waiting! I have an Entitlement to demand in the Eternal Now.

What’s that you say? “Ohhhh fuck off?” Well, I never!

…

2:46 am Sing the theme tune…whistle the theme tune…nothing ever changes. I am accursed of all women. But I am okay. I trust in the gods and in that indivisible eternal one with his foot placed firmly on my sliced up back. Ra the sun god, and St Brigid too, as it’s Imbolc.

Life is good. Even without a love partner…I have proven my survival for the past 28 years since I escaped that evil marriage.

And my demon spawn daughter flesh of my carved up flesh called me entitled and bougie (bourgeois) while mother hydra’s babies slowly eat her neurons. Fuck that shit. I deserve better than that. So I may just decide to become a very entitled Bitch after all.

My kindness is too often mistaken for weakness.

Not wise, not good.

But it is what it is. This desecration of the ravaged ravished Tanya.

But I had a lovely day on Tuesday. With women who loved my zany and true stories and who did my hair and beautified me for another 9 weeks.

Support me in my quest to age gracefully and perhaps attract the mythical “real man” with love, honour and integrity, romance and passion for little old ribald me.

Sniggers: psychedelic dreamer is going off in the nocturnal heat again.

Don’t let me Slide. You know where the Love is…

…

2:09 am sleep eludes me…again. That skin cancer incision really messed with my vibe…man. It hurts a lot. Plus the extreme heat the past few days. Intense! Like living in Hell.

I have been searching for a song for the past two hours. Finally I googled the lyric that was stuck in my head. “Slit my throat that’s all I ever…”. I finally found it. “Otherside” by the Red Hot Chilli peppers.

Says it all really. But Mama T is not suicidal. She is fighting for her survival, praying to God in all manifestations for her Thrival, begging for her comfort and ease, free of disease and the preternatural smiting that still withholds her true love partner, her real man with real heart and soul, with eyes only for her.

And it’s sad and pathetic and exhausting. My God, the jealous god. And my whimsical defiant rebellion against a perverted lacklustre world desecration of apocalyptic proportions and contortions.

Praying for a good loyal, faithful lover in a world that is dying right before her eyes. Slit my throat…but never ever let them grind us down, take us down, annihilate the love for Earth and the sentient beings that all merit a good enough, and a safe joyous life.

And on I go…cast back to Earth a dozen times or more… chasing the dream of a love filled life. Surrounded by love and light, truth, honour, integrity and by laughter, lightness of being and prosperity in my summerlands on sacred space...never alone, never abandoned, never relinquished and never extinguished…distinguished only by my courage and fortitude in thecface of insane atrocities never before seen in such immense numbers.

What do we have left!? The music of the spheres? The burning insomniac blues in our overheated scarified and sliced cancerous skins…screaming into the avoidant Void that dares not meet our gaze in the glorious burnt out days of declension before the imminent ascension.

Where were you, when I needed you? ….Where?….No answer! Only silent derision and pitiless incisions and scorn and contempt.

It’s enough to make a woman verklempt! But now I must sleep!

2 February 2022

2:22 am 2 2 2022

Still not sleeping . Oh well.

2 February 2021

I’m standing on the edge of a very tall Diving board again. Teetering and tweaking and filling my lungs with air and tweaking my gills.

(Wait...what gills?) why my primordial ones of course...invisible to the naked eye but they are there in every mermaid and every warrior goddess. Breathing life and light when our lungs shut down and our mind spirals under...cleaving to our Soul.

Third eye opening in psychedelic kaleidoscopic contrast when our vision is closed down and we cannot See. Cannot hear...cannot stand with our own mortality one more moment.

Click...click. On the inner Light goes...a tiny sparkle in the Darkness....”you...in there?!”

“Yeah....yeah...I am here”.

“How’s it going in Babylon?”

“Pretty fucking hectic ...almost had to chew the grass myself!!! How’s you?”

“Yeah yeah, working at keeping you alive and getting your needs met. It’s not easy..even for We angels”.

“Yeah baby... try being subjected to gravity and a body. Living in grace with no immediate forward growth potential of a fiscal kind.”

“Oh honey I know...it’s a block in your timeline. An energy of abuse from your progenitors. It’s not real unless you can’t get the grass mown but crisis over...rest... do you need a Push? Off the springboard. Last time you fell you almost made it to our side of the veil, Kiddo.”

“Nah...thanks but I think I have gotten used to suffering and hanging by my fingers and toes like a fucking spider climbing the walls.”

“It’s gonna get better Tanya! Leave it with us. The goddess heard your prayers and it was answered. When you gonna trust us?”

..... :-/

“Perplexity in complexity. Complicity in duplicity. Trust issues...Angels...you built me this way then expect me to have perfect faith after the cuntish life you gifted me?”

Laughter in the spheres.

“Little One has a point! Okay Tanya..one step at a time...no pushing, no driving, no backsliding, we gonna watch you fly”.

One two three: leaps into Nowhere and Nohow. The Void. Echoing in eternity my psychedelic dreaming and my Berserker screaming.

“Don’t worry be happy, the gods love you. We are saving the best for last as we promised you in that fugue state in 2015. Just hold on... it’s all coming back to you now.

The love stolen by traitors and Knaves. The money too. Somehow it’s coming...with love and light and blessing and for your most beneficial outcome...but Trust you must”.

Je suis desolée. I despair.

“...and we the gods Repair. Restoration of the Tanya under progress. Hang ten..Bitches. You got this!”

…

9:26 am. Heavy rain this morning. Got the lawns mowed in the nick of time.

(rolls eyes)....so sick of every little struggle but am Sailing through like the Berserker Warrior Goddess I was forced by Fate to embody.

It’s coming down so heavy that I expect there will be flooding.

Stay safe, People.

2 February 2020

The Tara puja was lovely. (Even though I ran out of breath for parts of the chanting, and had some weird fricking hot flush so had to use my fan to cool my face down. They had the air con going but must have turned it up or maybe it’s just me, hot flushing with the raised vibrations of the merits of the puja. I can never tell what is me and what is spirit!

I made some new acquaintances. A woman named Karen who sat with me and another mother named Pauline and her young Buddhist Nun novice daughter named Chrrsim? I don’t know how to spell it but it was pretty and sounded like chirrzim. It means “Abundance of Dharma”.

Her birth name was Olivia. Her mother was worried about my asthma and was really empathetic as her mother who is 77 has been so ill for 6 weeks. Hmmm. She overheard the nurses worry that her mother’s lungs were beginning to shut down.

So that has me scared as I have been ill for 5 months and yes lung-shutting-down shit can actually happen with sleep apnoea too. I might have to find a doctor that pretends to care about my health.

The prednisone did not help my lungs at all, but instead made me hypomanic, hungry and even a tad pine-y for that useless gimping man that never loved me anyway.

So that’s no good!!

Well I am Strong. I am beautiful. I am full of determination to Thrive and I have just puja-ed all negativity from my aura. So let me catch my breath and see what new manifestations I can come up with!!!

I shared the story with the young nun about thinking I saw the Dalai Lama with a retinue of nuns in the Myer Centre last year, (on the same day my cousin Mel came out to me as transgender, and I got the phone call from the PA hospital that they had booked me in 5 days time for surgery. It was a very spiritually intense day! (20 June 2019!)

The young nun told me it might have been the Rinpoche from their centre. Then wisely said “if you needed it to be the Dalai Lama you saw, then that is who you saw” and smiled sweetly. I looked into her eyes and said “well yes, the universe is capable of all sorts of manifestations and miracles!” Her mother agreed.

It was lovely. Meanwhile...back home in the greatest miracle this season that my wonderful friend, and all Sentient Loving Beings aka the universe blessed me with!

Happy lucky blessed slowly-healing Woman here!

On another note: I received another mango as an offering from the Tara Puja! I also received 5 mangos left for me yesterday. So the gods really want me to have mangoes this week. (I had also bought one in my grocery shop!) Man-Go season is upon me but mangoes are good for the health!

…

I just finished reading The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. It’s a delightful book which recounts the suffering experienced under German occupation in WW2 but manages to weave a love story through it.

I have a bloody sore left eye as suntan lotion got into it and it burned so long and so hard I came home from West End, feeling wrung out and exhausted. But I finished the book.

It was lovely by the river. When I parked my car in my driveway it was like a wall of some invisible inferno hit me. Even Beauregard noticed the difference in temperature.

I might have a wee nap before the Tara Puja this evening (hopefully I will feel well enough to attend!) It will be hard to leave the solace of the air conditioning!

….

11:11 am on 02/02/2020 make a wish xxx

2 February 2019

For the past two weeks I have been listening to a meditation on YouTube to help my subconscious mind attract a loving partner. Not slavishly listening every night, but a few times a week.

So the results have been rather interesting. I have found several regulars at the casino (people I held at bay for several years) suddenly paying me extra attention or making overt efforts to befriend me. Quite extraordinary given we have shared that scene for years and these men have never ventured to introduce themselves before!

Now some of these men I do not wish to have a close friendship or any type of relationship other than we share that space on the dance floor. So I had to politely rebuff them but I have included one older man who is very eccentric but harmless.

The other unusual result of doing this meditation was my daughter reconnected with me. We spent a few hours sorting stuff to give to charity.

I am finally releasing more old excess stuff, setting myself free for new potentialities and new “harvests” of heart, mind and soul.

I find myself observing others less from a state of suspicion and fear and more from a space of guarded curiousity. Curiousity is of course, a risky business, especially where the heart is concerned.

No one has yet stepped up to the mark to offer to date me or even initiate sexual congress but that is fine with me. I had to fall in love with myself (over and over again!) and heal after every last lover. Still healing actually. Probably will be doing that until I die. But it has been fascinating to watch how some people are drawn to my energy like moths to the flame.

At Ecstatic Dance last night I noticed yet again how one woman put her yoga mat directly in front of my bag, shoes, water bottle and rolled up mat that I had deliberately tucked under a chair so I could access my water bottle but also remove my “stuff” from the floor space for safety.

It was bizarre as she was a very nice young woman but at one point when I needed water she was in my way so thought I had approached her for a hug. So I hugged her then politely reached down and grabbed my water bottle. (She was still oblivious!). Lmao.

I mention this only because each time I go there, wherever I put my bag (and sometimes my top hat!) becomes a focus for one or more people and then I have to circle the room to quietly watch them, almost sitting on my stuff like it’s a lifeline or a security blanket or some Thing.

I find it weird and bemusing as my mojo/mana/magick is not in my bag or shoes or hat (ok maybe a bit in the hat as I sweat in it and decorate it lol).

I noticed that no one hovers over anyone else’s belongings. So last night I moved my stuff as much out of the way as possible only to gain similar results.

Not angry or bothered about it just vaguely curious as to what it is about me as a soul that has such a magnetic resonance?

Anyway I enjoyed the dancing and the warm authentic hugs last night. It was extremely hot so I used my own fan to keep cool in-between running and whirling dervishing around the room, seeking the floor fans. At one point I came upon the idea of wetting my arms and neck with water and then rested in front of one of the fans. Instant cool!

Mama T aka The Tanya aka Miss Five might seem batshit crazy to the uninitiated but she sure as shit knows how to make herself feel comfortable and safe.

Anyway, the dance continues and I will persist with the lover-attracting meditations (when I can commit to it!) as I have witnessed the lid of oppression being lifted from my heart and the slippage of my spiritual petticoat that is enticing to the psyche.

You never know, who might show up and be authentic this time. 😉

In the meantime...in the eternal now. I’ve got this Love inside me. Reverberating. Like a torus field. I need to let it attract good people, who allow me to feel free and safe and accept me as their equal. (Even if they do like to fantasise that I am their Warrior Goddess Queen!)

That is one pedestal I am quite willing to fall off from unless some dumb false motherfucker forgets their place in The Tanya’s microcosmic universe and does something nasty to piss me off. Then back on my perch I fly like a harrowing Harpy from Hell.

The Berserker that is much feared by those who have yet to know how to handle a sincere, strong, intelligent but severely traumatised Wild Woman.

I am glad I see less and less of my former Berserker and more and more of the laughing Crone that just rolls her eyes and shrugs her shoulders and says to herself “Oh no, not another repeat of that epic bullshit pattern again” and sets herself Free before the proverbial putrid pervasive shit hits the much adored and vaunted fan.

Enough already! I got Life to live, surrounded by people who cherish and ennoble and inspire me.

In the words of Luke at the casino “YEAHHHHHH BABY!!!!!”

…

2:54 am home from a wonderful afternoon and evening and night!

Crystal visited me for a few hours. We sorted through more stuff to “let go” of and donate to charity. She gave me my Xmas presents. A lovely cushion she made from the voodoo skull fabric we used for my skirt that was left over and a lovely white sugar skull money box which she put a bag of chanukah gelt chocolates inside it. Very cute. I put the money box on my altar with my other magical stuff!

Mama T sure has enough mojo collected now. Just need to let the universe allow the magic to happen in the right way at the most appropriate time for my highest good 😉.

Then I went to Ecstatic Dance and set my intentions and danced wildly and joyously. Then after that to the casino. I had more lovely fun there, mostly laughing with Karen and more epic dancing.

Then on to get home so my Beloved Beauregard could uncross his legs and have a longgg piddle. He really was happy and grateful for that. I washed my feet and took my makeup off, had a light sponge bath.

Now drinking tea and contemplating allowing the astral to claim my spirit for a few hours (or as long as my brain will allow me to rest for!)

I have had a few happy days this week which has been the happiest in a long time. So I hope there is lots more joy to manifest and I can finally get much better, integrating my life in a positive loving healthy way.

But shhhh, baby steps, hopefully the gods are too busy to notice little old psychedelic dreamer rising back up on her feet again.

Love is the law. It’s all around me. I am grateful, for my beautiful friends, remnant family and my tribe and my animals!

2 February 2018

12.41 pm lyrica is da bomb. I slept for 12 hours with only 2 interruptions in the night (was awake 4-5 am after letting Bobo out to pee). I was very dizzy and weak adjusting to the new drug.

My leg is painfully zinging again! Pain in hip too. So time to get up, take some more meds and get on with the afternoon.

I am grateful for a decent deep sleep at last. Grateful to be alive. Grateful for my daughter and my beautiful friends who are so loving and supportive. Grateful for everything. Bobo is cuddling with me, so it makes it hard to leave my comfortable bed. But get up we must!

…

If I write crazy shit on fb for the next few days, be aware I am a bit stoned from the Lyrica which was given me for the nerve pain.

I know I usually write intensely crazy stuff but just a heads up that my brain is over-compensating lol!

2 February 2017

Desktop pc won't boot up the monitor. So can't use computer. Laptop died in October. No laptop. iPhone...sorta working again but Facebook not always working. I got the technology blues. Really upsetting.

Oh well, my fatty liver, my dog and the rest of my bedraggled beaten down personage are going for a walk around the block so I can say I have exercised today (exorcise some demons in the head as well).

I need a miracle on several fronts but I will just have to leave it up to God and Goddess.

2 February 2016

I have Mango Madness, an earache, a heat rash but somehow tonight, I am happy as a Hellian. Love my friends. My pets, my heart, my mind my soul and the Cosmos. When you are in love the whole world is Jewish, or Viking, or Magic. Whatever! Muahh!

Beauregard has been a good puppy lately. He gets his last Parvo shot in Thursday, then won't need a booster for another 12 months.

It will be such a relief to be able to take him everywhere with me, without risking his health.

…

Making home made mango and banana sorbet. Hope it turns out nice.

Hot as Hades. Still no rain or storm. I have made corn ice blocks with honey and apple cider vinegar for the hens. I will give it to them tomorrow.

In desperation before their bedtime, I gave them some frozen raspberries. I worry they will get heatstroke. I gave Bobo some ice cubes to play with. He had a swim in his pool also.

2 February 2015

My baby girl (aged 29!) is migrating to Ireland in May. I hope the Irish Eyes will smile upon her, and treat her with decency and affection. May she have the luck of the Irish (my Phillips forebears from Dublin) and not have to kiss that Blarney Stone!

…

I feel like a much treasured and decorated Fabergé egg, thrown aside as worthless in the hands of peasants and boors but so precious and yet so fragile. I am a cracked, scrambled egg but each day I add more diamantes, pearls before swine and dress up, show up and shine.

It is a matter of honour. Only the very best can withstand the onslaughts of Halitosis Hellians with no moral compass and Survive! Only one whom has truly lived as a Zombie for 3 decades of dwelling in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, can awaken from the necrotic spell placed upon me by evildoers and dance, twirl, stomp out her old life and shine and shimmer in her new one.

So I am still hated, for attempting to rejuvenate my life and be a mentor for others. Oh the irony. Oysters Kill Patrick anyone? Watch out for those pearls. They are made from years of salt on old wounds and fountains of life-giving tears.

Bite one! You might get Eternal Life, or so the Romans thought as they diluted them in their wine. Lmao!

The oyster shell and the egg.. Made from the same fragile materials. Calcium. True grit. Never underestimate the Alchemy of life. It will always produce miracles. It will always bring peace and joy. Born out of pain and discomfort but grown into something beautiful and precious.

2 February 2013

Lyn took the photos on my iPhone. We had a lovely time before I went out for the evening. I really enjoy spending time with her before my Big Nights! She boosts my confidence and Cheers me on and is so supportive of my newfound Freedom, Joy and quest for a Love Partner! Love You Lyn, you Rock my world!

2 February 2012

I have had a contented day today. Also managed to drag the 2 old washing machines and a TV to the curb for Council Rubbish Collection even with my Sciatica.

…

Crystal invited me and Jarrod for dinner at Trang's in West End. Food was amazing and the company congenial! Then on we went to Gelatissimo for Dessert which was Divine!

Sadly I lost one of my Viking Ship earrings..one of my favourite pairs, so hohum. Had fun with my family though!

2 February 2011

I miss Miss Bella Rosa Arons.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons