Memories: 25 March 2025

25 March 2025

6:20 am:

Defiance

I walk the line between the liminal spaces of reality and the edges of reason.

I wake up in this dimension when I really should have given up the ghost long ago.

I swirl and twirl in the Dance of Life, knowing that this is not my world, my land, my heart.

I pull myself together, even as I fall apart. Unbroken, kinstugied titanium woman holding her own …alone.

I see with the eyes of ancients the complicit complacent obfuscation and the treachery of our god-given natures.

I climb the Jacob’s ladder, shucking off both angels and demons like organ grinders’ monkeys in a deserted carnivale as there is nothing more to be said or done but climb in and out of the abyss.

A new horizon lingers at the glittering dew-soaked mire from atop the spire. Climb up into your captain’s seat, queen of your own destiny. Hold your line.

The chariot rider hurdy gurdies in an agonised forward thrust. In the gods, I trust. Shhh don’t tell them, it’s all illusion, babies. Only one thing is real. The love we create, permeate, contain then flow…let it go. What’s meant for you, will come to you in freedom.

Hold the vision. Hold yourself precious. Believe and receive.

Well..lookie here…do you see what I do for you! Darlings!!!

Woot! Look what turned up at my hairdresser Kylie’s place. I had thought I’d lost it permanently. I just love when my mojo comes back to me. :-)

25 March 2024

I got woken up at 9 am by the skin clinic, who booked me in for a skin check on 15 April 2024. I could have had an appointment at 11 am this morning as they had a cancellation. But I was still in bed, exhausted. They offered me an appointment on my birthday but I demurred. So 15th April it is!

It’s another great rainy day (two days in a row!) I will see what the day holds for me :-).

25 March 2023

6:12 pm my hands are very sore and swollen from working on the copper cuffs. I was hoping to go dancing tonight but if I am still in pain by the time it’s time to leave the house…I will have to give it a miss.

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https://youtu.be/fVNFFtmb9gA

He’s still dancing around the bald facts: not only was it their Job to ensure safety protocols But their wilful complacency to roll it out knowing the dangers amount to what I have said all along “genocide”.

These professionals mostly knew exactly what they were perpetrating on the global population. I for one ..hope they all fucking hang!

Gods help the children who were blissfully injected by complacent naive government slaves. As adults their parents had a choice to comply. The babies and children had no voice at all.

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This afternoon I used my homemade annealing pan for the first time. I needed to anneal this Copper cuff to form it. Twice.

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I woke up at 9:30 am, after only catching about four hours of deep REM sleep. I woke up from a dream that I was in a townhouse or duplex. It was a nice place. The rooms were not very large but it had three bedrooms.

I was astonished to discover a tiny bathroom just off the garage. It still had the contents from the previous owner or tenant. It had no toilet, just a vanity and shower stall. Hmm I thought, another toilet would have come in handy.

Gail was with me, twittering in my ear, excited. I was just looking around my new home. Outside was sparse but had the most gorgeous wrap around swimming pool in a kind of U shape.

I turned to Gail. ”This will do nicely…I will mostly live in the pool!” It was quite large and to my mind…luxurious. There were pergolas with no plants growing on them. I said “My weeping rose will look fabulous over there and I will bring in pots and pretty up the outside again with plants”.

Gail said I was disassociated. I just rolled my eyes. She started firing me questions with one word answers…a weird psych assessment. I told her to stop being a forensic psych nurse as I was busy looking at my new home and making plans for where to put my furniture and garden. I have no time for her petty envies right now.

I walk outside and start calling a cat. It comes over. A tabby. Looks at me insolently. I get the feeling it’s not my cat. But as always animals are drawn to me and I take great pride in that.

I go into the tiny ensuite and start pulling the remnant possessions out of the cupboards. Trying to think what I shall do with them? Perhaps the previous owners will come back for then? Perplexed I push them back in the cupboards. Without resolution.

I have to laugh about my nightmare about Gail and her random uninvited psych evaluations. That woman was crazier than I was with her munchhausens-by-proxy and her narcissist-psychopathology.

I laughed at the memory of her flying into fits of rage because she stated I was dissociative and not giving her my full attention. Like a two year old throwing a tantrum when I was actively not buying into her control drama bullshit.

“I am grounding you” she would say. No, she was fucking with my connection to the higher realms, to my expansive questioning and evaluation of my environment and she was deeply deeply envious of my strength, my courage and my Light.

Shit happens.

It’s odd I dreamed of her this morning. She’s been appearing in my dreams frequently lately. I wish she would just stop invading my psychic life, as there is no way in Hell I will ever reconcile with her. But as usual my dreams are often on point. It is an invasion of my private psychic space. Which means I will have to remain vigilant.

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2 am

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1:25 am. I am exhausted but unable to sleep. Lying in my bed, grinding my arthritic bones and my own mental gears. I should have gone dancing if I have this much psychic energy. But I am in a fair bit of pain in my feet and ankles so decided to stay home.

25 March 2022

(Written in response to a post by Jeff Brown!)

My meditations “work” best in movement too. Trance dance, drumming or creating artistic or beautiful objects. My best meditations happen when I am asleep ie dreaming.

Do what you love or what comes naturally. Don’t sweat the small stuff or take on other gurus that frankly are just as earthbound and clay footed and easily corrupted as you. It’s just nonsensical. Be you! Everyone else is already taken.

25 March 2021

Trigger warning: vulgarity, defiance, courage under fire.

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I have felt weak and ill all Day (asthma, fatigue, cptsd issues) but tonight I blossomed again! I cooked two separate dinners in my wok. Chicken hearts, carrots, rice, peas, corn for Socks and Beauregard.

Socks was so excited about real food that he yowled at me the whole time I was cooking it. He literally sang for his supper in a most cantankerous demanding way!

I told him I was not accepting such rude behaviour like that from any human or non-human so he setttled down a bit. Then he had to wait for both their meals to cool in the fridge. But by this time he realised it was manifesting and he calmed down.

I told myself I was too ill to bother cooking my own dinner. I did not feel like it. So I washed all the dishes then suddenly a wave washed over me.

On went my grunge music interspersed with cheesy old favourites like Janis Ian’s “at 17” and “Jesse”, then “Don’t cry for me Argentina” and “come fly with me”...followed by “Zombie”, “Nothing else matters”, “titanium”, “hallelujah” (which I belted out with great passion and fire to kd Lang’s stirring rendition), then finished with “Somebody I used to know”.

Somehow through all that wild passion and frenzy I pulled out my wok and made beef stir fry with hokkein noodles.

The animals and I ate well tonight. I am reinvigorated with a Berserker fury and a recalibration of my soul.

So to every dirty motherfucker that ever tried to kill me, rape me, slander me, rob me of houses, a business and prosperity, of accessing safe respectful medical treatment....FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK YOU!

Fuck you to the current rapey Australian federal government. Fuck the Treasury casino, fuck all those who tried to keep me down when I began to heal myself enough to rise up.

Fuck Dave and all the other awful vapid sadistic lovers before him.

Fuck everything!

But....there is a light in this world...it shines into the tiny cracks of my kinstugied heart and it goes Supernova when I allow it. For that I am grateful. For my loyal decent loving friends, for my present, and my possible -still germinating in the darkness -future.

The gods have spoken...NEVER EVER EVERRRRR Fuck WITH THE TANYA!

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I found him lying amidst the porcelain dolls that I have laid out on his bed as I am trying desperately to sell them as short of cash...again.. grrr. So far no buyers but Socks loves his dollies.

I have to laugh at the residue of 1980’s Uber opulent excesses that my house is cluttered with. Because no one of this generation wants crystal decanters or porcelain dolls or antique/vintage evening bags (unless I give them away for free!)

The age of minimalists is better for the environment it is true but it makes it hard to eliminate the dross of decades acquired by our mothers and our own innate gleanings. Lmao!

25 March 2018

Altered Beast. Power Up!

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I had a very intense, and magical week. In spite of my personal horror story, I reclaimed my mojo (even with squeezing angry strangling lungs and a broken heart) and pushed myself into turbo-charged overdrive to live my life the only way I know how to: ebulliently.

Dangerous but worthwhile. I was shown much love and sweetness from both friends and strangers. I was uplifted, strengthened and protected. Love flowed from my cracked Light like a streaming dreaming consciousness. An extraordinary beauty is inside me and all around me.

Day three of Prednisone. Ugh. But my lungs are improving a bit more each day. Instead my sinuses are playing up but that is just my body driving out the invaders of my system.

Loving life, living life, going with the flow even in the turbulent maelstrom catastrophic emotional dumps.

Not the woman I used to be. Not quite sure who I am Becoming. Hopefully healthier, happier, peaceful and surrounded by real authentic love inside and all around me.

Byron Bay is calling. In the meantime I rejoice in my Sacred Space garden with my animals. Grateful and satisfied with my lot. (Hold the salt, please!)

From comment section:

I grew up with extremely bad gambling addicts. It was a backhanded gift from the universe. I know not to indulge in that (except just for an occasional ticket or fiddle on the pokies). I learnt early on that money is not an energy that comes to me easily. I have had to fight for everything, or be the grateful recipient of pension and charity or gifts from loving friends.

My relationship to money is very damaged now, as I have learned to survive with very little of it for several decades now.

All good. I manifest abundance in a myriad other ways. Breathing, loving, praying, dreaming, dancing, writing mad prose on fb. I am gifted and blessed and happy in my own cyclic rutted paradigm.

The old saying applies: the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

At the moment I feel like the road before me becomes a giant mountain that I am running up the top of and just when I think I get there it falls into a steep roller coaster decline and then as I am running full tilt, going nowhere it falls away from my feet and I fly but not falling into the abyss I usually fall into, this time carried by something strong and magical and (hopefully!) Benevolent.

(As you can see, as usual, I am out of my mind) lmao

In the meantime Byron Bay is like the mythical Shangri-la, my happy place I go to in my head. I was there during an MRI in 2001 and during epic dentistry.

All good. If you believe long and hard enough in something it becomes part of your “reality”.

25 March 2017

@ Feast! Thanks Karen. Omg! Yum!

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I had an awesome night last night. Feeling loved, valued, appreciated, and adored. Grateful happy and amazed woman here.

I have had two hours sleep. Pain in my leg is still awful but that is what you get when you ignore sciatic pain and dance the mad dingo donger's dirge into the ground. The highlight of the night was when they played Nirvana and The Tanya went berserk. Almost as good as my Zombie conquest :-).

Anyway, I have woken up, let the chooks out, fed the fish, smooched with Mushu who was on his way out to do what the Phillips Clan do best -happy wanderers. Gave Charlie some fresh water and let Bobo out to toilet himself in the garden.

It is a beautiful magical morning and I feel beautiful and magical even in my exhaustion.

I don't have a family but I do have wonderful wild friends who honour me with their kindness, generousity and gorgeousness.

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9.04 am. Boker Tov/laila Tov. (Good Morning and good night). I need to sleep some more or there will be mad paradigmical shifts and consequential adjustments (slippage of haloes and cosmic consciousness).

OK that was a stretch but I know how my exhausted super-charged brain can do strange things if I don't knock it back down and put it to bed.

25 March 2016

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Good men and women died on both sides of the war to end all wars. Such a horrifying waste of youth and potential. I remember them.

All those who died for a political regime or an ideology that brought no peace or safety for generations. My heart aches for all those humans who died on the battlefield or in concentration camps or in horrific bombings.

It is incumbent on all us surviving generation to create a safer saner world for us all to enjoy.

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No money until Tuesday. I need to run amok and can't afford food or drink. 2 eggs today so that will make a pancake. I won't starve but I am sure as shit sick to death of this existence. I wonder how much longer it will go on. 21 years of poverty. Fuck it!

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Happy Purim, Happy Easter, Happy Ishtar. May the gods of your understanding bless you with happiness, safety, peace, prosperity, good health, and beautiful true enduring Love.

May we triumph over adversity and know goodness, compassion, mercy and bliss for the rest of our lives.

May Light shine in our hearts, minds, souls and eyes. May the Light be good, kind, abundant. May those who choose to live with hate, perversion, envy and terror be brought to justice.

May we learn that Love is the only force in the universe that creates and perpetuates on the gilgulum. May Love find us worthy and ennoble us to become greater people who bring joy and comfort to those in dark places.

May our love be a blessing and not a burden or a terrible sacrifice but bring clarity, healing and joyfulness. May it blossom and permeate with a supernal fragrance and may it taste of ambrosia and freedom.

May it be Now.

25 March 2015

3.04 am. I better hit the Hay. I have a debrief with my psychiatrist tomorrow arvo. Lots to tell him. Not enough time. I'll save the best condensed stuff for him.

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Not Once! Too many times! Now I am so strong I have to diminish myself a little to let anyone in. It's always refreshing to be loved without have to hide my finer aspects.

25 March 2014

Last night I couldn't sleep, this happens when I over-exert myself by dancing and get re-triggered with some of my PTSD issues by idiot men. So Hohum! My issues, so I decided to Handle It Baby, so I got out of bed at 4 am, and watched an episode of Ghost Adventures.

It was kinda cool but creepy to be watching it in the early hours of the morning, alone on my couch with a dose of sleep deprivation (ie mild psychosis lol) so I took another Seroquel which I was hoping to not need last night, and basically just chilled out watching spooky stuff then hit the hay around 6 am. I slept so soundly (thank god!) that I was woken by Gail and Christina at 3.30 pm, who came around for a cuppa.

Boy! Now my V8 motor of mojo sparked up energy is ready to go out and play. Hmmm, it's Tuesday night. I could go listen to Woody play solo tonight?

However I have decided to let my body and mind get back into syncopated resonance (instead of dissonance!) and take a break for a few days. Friday is going to be HUGE! So I need to restore my zero point magnificence for then.

I feel fantastic! (This is not my 'normal', people, but I am going with it!)

I must say last Friday night the men at the pub, several actually, were acting very romantic around me. They were actually being sweet and non-threatening which made a lovely change. I know it's because I was wearing my corset and gypsy skirt. Australian men seem to find it so intimidating albeit enchanting that they actually behave themselves around me.

On Saturday night, I was completely wild and danced like a whirling dervish on acid. I dressed in a rockabilly dress and looked very feminine but kinda edgy still. However the man who was sooo romantic on Friday night (one I had hopes of being a suitable 'partner' down the track) decided to try to headfuck me so .....Next!!

I had a great night dancing and wore myself out to the point of collapse. I considered I may have been too hard on my new potential friend/lover but Noooo.... I must stick to the three strike rule.

He's struck me out twice, and I'm not really interested in going for the third strike as I can see he is playing me. Perhaps he is testing me also? But that will not do him any good.

I am not like other women. I am direct, honest, intelligent and so damaged by psychopaths that my psychopath radar is very very sensitive. So far he has had my radar twanging out to the galaxy. He is not a full-on psychopath, just a bit ambivalent, scared, and a rebounder.

So like the last Rebounder I attracted last April (what is it with this time of year, a complete repeat pattern, meeting a guy only 4 months separated? Another fucked up man who wants me to "heal" them! Grrrr) I will just let them play themselves out, alone, until they choose some other unsuspecting woman.

So I am thinking, as much as I like him (for no good reason I can think of really?) except he had the decency to follow through and pretend to like me for a while...lol, that it's time I went to Byron and soaked up the healing energies and looked after me for a while.

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Watching Vikings and loving it! I was not meant for this time or this world! Drinking tea, eating Spekulaas biscuits and dreaming of Conquest! Love it!

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I had very intense dreams about my mother and sister. Still feel like I am in that nightmare. I have to shake it off. One is Dead and the other is Dead to me by her choice.

The Dream told me exactly that and talked about family secrets to be revealed. Interesting. I probably just dreamt of Angela as it is her birthday the day after mine and our birthdays are looming. I will be 49 (so the end of a cycle of 7, heralding the beginning of another one) and my half-sister of atrophied love will be 64.

I have no regrets! She failed to protect me as a child and failed to defend me to the end of the will dispute in recent years. She is a cowardly fuck. "Dead" sisters who come to me in my dreams to remind me how little respect or love they had for me, can naff off.

Shake, Rattle and Rolo! (Rolo at least yields to his warrior Brother!) lmao

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feeling frustrated! My best friend, who has been my friend for 22 years, is suffering. He was there for me in my business, when my marriage broke down, when I got a divorce. We spent 3 years apart, then resumed our friendship.

He is my soul brother, and has stuck by me for a long long time, even when shit got really hard for me to cope with, with my mother's death and the ensuing Will Dispute, when I myself thought I would be better off dead, he still hung in there.

He has been there for me through several relationship breakdowns, deaths, of both family and their outlaws, and my beloved pets, he's been there for me when I've been sad, when I've been happy, when I've been completely Furious, when I've been placid as a kitten. He's been there for my elder daughter too. He would have been there for my younger one also, if she had let us in.

Today I realised, he is no longer there for me, has shut me out of his world and the only reason for him to do this is he has not been coping too well since his stepfather died, and I totally understand as I suffered terribly when my original stepfather died, even though he had been one of my abusers.

Grief does strange things to one's mind but does it have to end longterm supportive friendships??? When I was failing to cope with my first stepfather's death, this precious beautiful friend shut me out of his life for 3 years, and I think it's happening again.

I don't know what to do. He says he's ok. But this is not ok. What have I done? Why won't he let me be there for him, like he has always (apart from that crazy 3 years so long ago) been there for me.

Friendships are give and take, through good and bad stuff. I am gaining my own power, not such a victim anymore as I was for many years. My former partner also abandoned me when I started living fully again, and was no longer in bed for 20 hours a day.

Why do the men in my life only want me when I am sick, griefstricken, disabled, distressed and suicidal? Why can't they be around for the good times too?

I will never understand it.

Update: 25 March 2022

A repeat pattern… our friendship finally ended on 22 January 2022. I deserve someone who wants to be around me when I succeed even in my small pathetic attempts at life. And who returns my phone calls and treats me with basic respect.

He deserves someone who is not a burden to him and who he can love in all the ways he was unable to love me.

It’s all good. I am recalibrating my life at long last. It’s painful but long long overdue.

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1.42 am Time for bed. I had a lovely day, visited Crystal as she borrowed my car, so had to swap it back, but she took me out for Jackpot Noodles at West End and went to her class.

Then I spent the evening on Paltalk, and later listening to recordings on how to manifest what you want in life. (Probably not worth my time, but it was interesting nevertheless).

I have realised I pretty much have what I most want in life. My freedom, my daughter, my pets (the ones who are still alive, thank god), my friends, my life, my present, and this huge, huge untapped love inside of me that I keep trying to hold in as it's a tad dangerous to unleash on the unsuspecting or the unworthy lmao.

So I don't need a partner to be happy, as I am pretty happy doing my own thing and whenever I give a man half a chance, he gets avoidant or plays some fucked up mind-game with me, and heads for the hills, or other women.

So I am pretty certain, at this stage of my life that there is nothing much left for me to do, but keep going out dancing, enjoying myself, and my friends and manifesting as much happiness as I can handle at any given moment in time, and just enjoy my unique One-ness with the Cosmos.

This Friday I will be going to Sons of Anarchy evening with Gail, so that is just awesome. Saturday is Creedence Cash night at Greenbank RSL, and perhaps later the pub. Interesting times!

25 March 2013

"We need people in the world who are outstanding to tilt the world just a little, as it helps to keep Society in balance."

Attributed to Bob Geldoff of Boomtown Rats Fame.

25 March 2012

Last night I cooked an amazingly delicious Roast Chicken for Crystal, Jarrod, Miss Bella and I. It was sooo yummy! (I wish I could get my cooking right every time although I do think my culinery skills are improving).

We had fun playing Ukelele and singing songs. Bella loved my cooking so much she did a major Mooch session. I gave her some more for lunch today. Happy full Bellies now!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons