Memories: 18 February 2025

18 February 2025

6:55 am. Good morning/Boker Tov/ Bon Matin/Guten Morgen. Another day in Paradise. I woke up still breathing but with a momentary fragrance of, of all things, celery. A tad unusual and astonishing.

I have started (only last evening), taking arnica as a mouth spray to try to heal the immense bruising around the wound. I was gratified to see a message from one of my most powerful most loving shaman friends who is sending me healing. Thank you Mon Ami. I am grateful.

I have been under immense attack since two days before Charley’s death (on friday night 24 January 2025: the sexual assault by a female!) So frankly I invoke protection from every dimension/echelon/aspect of our world/all the four worlds to heal from this current evil that someone, out of spite or envy has unleashed on me.

To gather my forces of nature and super nature to return it to its original source as I am unable to continue my work or my Walk or even my Dance while under such immense multipronged attack. (Yet, somehow, gifted by the gods themselves I managed to do just that last Friday, even freshly wounded!) My dance was powerful and enervating.

However, I cannot pour from an empty cup or feed souls who do not actually have my back/front or sides so are vampiric by choice. Those ones will be starved of the attention, essence, heart signature of The Tanya.

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Still angry. But I have slathered on some more Aloe Vera.

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To the fragile ones:

I have friends who love me dearly. Friends who fight for me in the most astonishing and magickal ways. Friends who admire me for my courage, resilience, tenacity and my loyalty. Friends who rarely communicate with me in real world applications but whose energy transfers even from across the globe can be powerful and intense.

I have had friends in high places (although long ago drifted so I cannot rely on their support now!) I have had friends who are street people and in their own ways, more powerful than any of my conservative precious judgemental “friends”.

I have enemies too. People afraid of my truth, my power and my courage. Even of my Dance. Afraid to communicate with me face to face which speaks volumes actually.

That unwillingness to be authentic, open and engage with me. Shows a level of deception or worse, a form of energy vampirism.

Do not misinterpret my kindness for weakness. I have walked and danced and fought my way through life mostly alone for almost 6 decades.

I don’t have time or energy for petty games. I have actively supported my musician and singer friends in the Brisbane music scene for 14 years. Joyously, triumphantly, and by my own free will.

So to the person or persons who is/are attacking me spiritually…be on notice Motherfucker(s)! You are dealing with The Tanya. A woman who has come in sincere and open Love. With no harm or evil intent to any of you. But as you or someone attached to you has decided to up the ante: be warned.

I will not tolerate this! I don’t even fear my own death. So if you think for one moment that my death will bring you satisfaction or peace. You are quite incorrect in that assumption.

As a shaman…as a survivor. Against all the odds…multiple times. It is not wise to underestimate me.

The Tanya aka Mama T has Spoken.

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18 February 2023

The pain in my bruised shinbone is quite persistent. The bruise is hardly visible but it hurts along the bone ridge. I still went dancing last night, but I came home early as my lungs are not feeling great either. So between my old bruised bone and my squeezy lungs it was amazing I managed to dance for several hours.

The vibe was off too. Or was that my hypervigilence after the weird events last weekend?

I decided to come home. But I went to MacDonalds only to meet a man at their entrance who had utterly creeped me out at the Livewire bar, shoving his hand down the panties of the woman he was dancing with. Gross!

He sees me and said “fancy meeting you here!” I just stared at him. Said “yes…fancy meeting you here indeed!” I have a feeling he followed me as I had not noticed him in the Queen Street mall when I walked to MacDonalds.

He’s a very large tall man so it’s odd I did not notice him until outside the entrance (to the escalators. He didn’t try to engage with me (for which I am glad!)

18 February 2022

Good news. I am being approved for the NILS loan which means the lawnmower is on its way to me. Rivers of relief and happiness are flowing through me. I can have mastery over my own garden again. No more begging strangers for help to mow, or dealing with abusive contractors.

Queen of my own garden, if not completely Queen of my own Destiny…but working on that too! 🙂

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18 February 2021

1:11 am. Thank you angels. Xxx

18 February 2020

I woke up at 7 am. What the actual fuck?! I never wake up early. I have been consumed with exhaustion: mental, spiritual, physical for weeks.

I know what is wrong. I have anxiety about seeing the skin doctor today. So my brain fights me by making sure I am alert and ready for action. Clever brain. Annoying brain. I need my sleep!

So I am back in bed. Resting. A bit longer. Until I need to shower and shape up for my next ordeal. It’s not so bad. Meeting a new doctor is always stressful for me but I can do this! It’s just a skin check. Then I can forget about for another year.

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Well that was painful. He froze off the thingy on my forehead that had actually grown back. One on my thigh, several on my back and shoulders and two on my tattoo (sitting close together!) It is hurting like Hades.

Still “burning” but better to have them frozen off than turn malignant. I have had quite enough malignancy in my life. I was pleased as there was a young woman to supervise. Even then I did not strip all the way down. No need.

Now sitting at Carindale food court with a peach ice tea and some vegetarian spring rolls. Feeling fragile but only because those pre-cancers hurt a lot.

Gonna head home and contemplate my future. One breath at a time.

Now just got a call from my optometrist! Booked in for Thursday arvo.

Starting to shake with a delayed trauma response: that is how much my body hates being tampered with, even if it’s to avoid skin cancers. So off home I go.

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I lost another of the large goldfish. Only one survivor left in that pond and he is not looking too perky either. Fuck! Why are my fish dying??? I have not done anything differently.

18 February 2019

12:57 pm my smoke alarm just went off by itself for a few seconds. No smoke in house. Not even cooking. Here it goes again. Wtf???

I was resting in bed. Guess spirit wants me to get up!

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18 February 2018

4:11 am. Another awesome night dancing with Jenny, Terrie and Chris.

I had a great time but will be in recovery mode for next week. My leg is sore. Feet sore. But it was worth it.

18 February 2017

Trigger warning: CSA, suicide.

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I promised myself to have some fun before I died just over 5 years ago, in the midst of a horrible ugly soul destroying Will dispute. A will co-authored by a vile conman and his greedy spawn. It was easy to blame them: the outsiders who came, fucked my mother, stripped her of much of her most valuable possessions then grannydumped her to die alone in a nursing home.

How shocked they must have been that a traitor in their midst phoned me anonymously and demanded I go see my mother who has been abandoned there 3 weeks earlier. Up 'til then no one had bothered to contact me to tell me their evil salacious filthy father was dead. I might never have known.

So the estranged daughter, The Tanya got up one more time and did right by Gisela. I lost another 4 years to her until her eventual death 18 months later and then the final slog of that atrocious Will that I only fought against because I deserved better. The vitriolic lies were enough to kill me.

So here I sit with two front teeth, from Christmases long since past: a mockery of a song my father bade me sing to him as a toothless 7 year old yet never realised that " Slaphappy" hitting me constantly in the face would cause me to lose my adult teeth as well. Even that filthy paedophile Trevor Singh warned my mother not to hit me in the face. She will lose her teeth, he said.

It is a strange dichotomy, a cognitive dissonance when a small child who is being sexually abused finds her attacker to be a better, more loving parent than her own. It used to make me sick.

It was enough to run to the beach and sit for hours perched on a craggy outcrop farthest out to the sea and call upon the gods to either save me (get me away from these people) or drown me.

The waves, always fierce and fed by Antarctic streams, so bitterly cold, would lash my hair and eyes with tears of sea foam, a fine rainbow of salty mist and a constant promise of eternity. Wave after wave crashing on those rocks. Never ending, never lying. You are a child of the universe. This too shall pass. Hold on.

I would fight the gods of sea and air, of Christian epithets "Suffer the little children to come unto me", filthy lying religions that promised hope and peace and love and most of all redemption from hell and damnation "for good little girls" but embraced its paedophiles like champions and let little children believe they had no voice, no worth, no chance of safety except by their ever-loving ministrations.

Then only for a very select few of the "good ones". No Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists allowed. No little girls with a mind of their own and a taste for defiance in the face of religious bigotry, atrocity and treachery.

This kid chose Judaism which was my delight, my coming home to my people, a nation of survivors and warriors and intellectuals until that too was stained and stymied by more bigotry and more cascades of trauma.

My religion is Love. I have died for that one a thousand times. Not by choice. No sane person chooses martyrdom. But men came and men left and lies were told. They strangled my throat, they tried to destroy me, the woman, the wounded lost child that was just trying to find a home.

A lover/friend/partner who could love me and keep me without harming me. An authentic person. No lies, no betrayals, no cheats. But the psychedelic dream spiralled under.

The contractions before each new delivery and slow progress into a new paradigm brought pain and suffering. Suffering so intense she was dead. Dead to the world and almost dead to herself.

But a little thing called Desire held on. Desire for Hope and then Hope for Serenity, true Loves, True friendships, prosperity, happiness. That desire was a never quenched hunger and a never slaked thirst.

A fire that never died out but emblazoned the universe in its fiery resolve. Like all human manifestations it was a trap from which she might have had to gnaw her own arm off, change her mind, lose her mind, leap from galloping mustang to baltering Brumby mid-ride.

But I have had fun before I died. The first and last hurrah. The best of times out in the world.

Still waiting for Godot. For my life to blossom outwards and inwards, for the rot to be purged and for the one who loves me no matter what, to step up to claim me.

Fairy stories. Tatiana, Queen of the Forest Fae. A tad delusional. But funny, and adorable and always, always Worthy.

18 February 2016

1.54am. Eating yoghurt, watching Netflix. Jessica Jones. I made more paper. I think I might be getting better at it. I will have to wait until it all dries before I know if I wasted my effort or not.

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8.14 am. My feet ache so bad I feel like I have septic arthritis. I feel weak and drained from the heat. My body is aching after my effort, arranging the bathtub as I had to collect and carry bricks to prop one end of it up. I feel very tired today. Hopefully I will have an early night as Jarrod, the dogs and I are going to Byron tomorrow.

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1.35 pm. Just woke up. I had intense dreams about travelling on a bus that instead of a 10 minute trip to Brisbane City took me on a scenic route to "Sunbury".

Along a coastal drive, with beach views and after miles and miles of beach and scenic scenery (Crystal was travelling with me and we got really pissed off about the long journey, then happy, then irritated again).

There were beach sculptures and interesting cloud formations out to sea. I kept seeing A shapes but a handsome young man on the bus saw C.

Some woman with two little girls hit on him and he rebuffed her with a very Greek accent in a poetic, almost Shakespearean style. I admired his wit and verbiage so I laughed. He felt relieved to have a much older mother-figure watch out for him.

The woman went back to her seat with her girls, looking dismayed. There were gold baby bracelets thrown on the floor. 3 of them. I called out, “You girls better pick up those bracelets or you will lose them and your mother would be devastated”. So they did and their mother nodded to me in gratitude.

We eventually arrived at an antique shop that also sold Siamese fighter fish. The woman who owned the shop was a dour business-like German. I myself was dressed like a gypsy so I put my shawl over my head and sunglasses over my glasses as the heat was intense, (for real, in my boudoir, woke up sweating!)

I saw many interesting things but I did not buy anything as I was characteristically broke. The shopkeeper yelled out to me, as we all left her shop to climb back on the bus. "There is the richest woman I have ever met, for all her needs are met and she lacks nothing". I smiled and waved back and Crystal thanked her.

Then we got on the bus and travelled for what seemed like hours again, past rocky terrain which we climbed up from one of the beaches. I struggled to climb but I managed, but one man who was missing a hand needed help.

A few of the men propositioned me but I rebuffed them bluffly. They were listening into a conversation I had about the hookers at kangaroo point/story bridge and assumed I was one of them.

I told them, “Don’t bloody listen into my stories and make assumptions based on not listening properly”. They were ashamed and walked off.

The bus driver gave me a wink. "You can hold your own, for sure" he said. I said "I know right, years of practise. Where are you driving us anyway. Are we on the scenic route to hell?" He just smiled.

So now I am awake. Planning a trip to Byron Bay tomorrow.

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7.11 pm dripping in sweat. I had another productive afternoon. Recycled potting mix from a big tub, Then set up the bathtub ready for a pump and lava rocks for my new aqua phonic set-up. Goldfish in bottom tub, veges in top tub.

Paper still drying but had to move it into laundry as wind came up. I cleaned out the chook nests. Need to put fresh straw in them.

Now I need a shower and a rest.

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Lying under the frangipani tree, with a zephyr to ease the schvitsing heat and a cool drink of home-made peach tea. (Need to buy more peaches :-) ).

I have laid out the home made paper, so now I wait for it all to dry. It says it takes a day but in this heat I am hoping only a few hours. I worry a bird might shit on it or a stronger wind gust might blow them away.

So here I rest on the new lounge chair cushion Jarrod found for me at Bogan Christmas (Kerbside Collection!). It is surprisingly very comfortable. I am very happy with it all.

I need to find or buy 2 more sets of mannequin arms for the other chairs. It looks really funky. I will have to check out Absoe at West End. Too hot to be bothered today though.

18 February 2014

There are cavorting Possums on my roof. The entire house was shaking LOL

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I feel a little depressed and my hand is very sore after having a melanoma removed today. Lyn and I went together and supported each other in our minor surgery. She had one removed from her arm. We go back in 2 weeks for the removal of stitches and perhaps more excisions of other cancers.

I am not enjoying this crappy Middle Age stage after a lifetime of sun exposure. Also my teeth have been hurting a lot lately, and I'm hoping it's just sensitivity and not another major flare up. I am sick of having problems with my teeth.

Other than that, after a lovely swim in Lyn's pool and the nice company, over all, I had a lovely day. Crystal picked me up from Lyn's to bring my car back and I am happy to have my motor parked out front. Tomorrow I need to buy groceries, so I hope the pain in my hand lessens.

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Opened my bleary-eyed peepholes on the world and what do you know?

Hand still sore! Still a bit weary so time to get up and get moving. Might play some music today to blow out some energy through the house!

Almost 2 pm. Went to sleep at 4 am. Lots to do but not much motivation.

I need to buy cat food for Miss Penny at least. So will hit the shops.

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I managed to drive to Aldi, coopers plains and buy groceries. It was very difficult trying not to use my right hand which is in agony. I think I might finally give up and take some pain killers. I hate this shit.

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Loving the Codeine. Relief at last!

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Home from Gail's. Tayhlia was out of her mind, and completely wild but loves her Aunty Tanya so we looked at the JB Hi Fi catalogue to give Gail some space and had a cuddle (my attempt to calm her down).

When Gail finally got her to sleep, we watched a bit of tv and Gail gave me this yummy Kopparberg cider which tastes like strawberries and she had a whiskey. Boy, did we need that booze! Tayhlia is amazing but hard work!

Gail called out for me, head down arse up in the fridge, she called "Tatyana!" I said to her, hardly anyone calls me that, but I love being called that. Funny as hell.

18 February 2013

I came home expecting to have a much emptier house. Crystal and Brendon didn't take the furniture Grrrrr! Oh well, next weekend!

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Penny missed me last night! She just came up to me, headbutted my iphone in my hand and said "I love you". Best cat ever!

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Just had a 2 hour Nap. Hmmm. Expected to crash and burn from sleep deprivation and all my body will give me is 2 hours??? Guess I will sleep when my Animus is tired enough? Lol. Who is in charge here?

I had a lovely weekend with Jarrod and Crystal on Sat arvo and evening working hard to help me declutter. Then yesterday arvo, eve and a sleepover, with my Darling Lyn and Annette.

We had an impromptu party and I had a good Blow out on Fluffy Ducks, wine and Southern Comfort...thinking that Iight sleep but instead awoke hourly in a weird twilight zone type snooze. Haha! I had a great time though.

Came home, talked on Paltalk til 6 pm and now awake again at 8! Time to feed animals, and watch TV or a movie then sleep later I hope :-)

18 February 2012

I had a nice evening, talking to some friends and dancing. Didn't meet anyone special, which is very disappointing but I live to play another day...or night or whatever! I am so protected there, which is lovely but cramping my relationship prospects somewhat. Oh well, can't have it all! Damn! LOL!

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Well the weekend has been a tad disappointing, as I didn't meet anyone last night, and my "date" didn't follow through....so hohum! I did have a lovely day with Jarrod, who took me out to Reverse Garbage and bought me a lovely lunch at Nando's, and a chocolate bar etc, and in the evening Gail came over and took me to Macca's for a coffee and cheesecake....so the prospective male partners in my life....LOL....roll over...you can never compete with my awesome lovely friends who are kind, generous, loving and totally there for me!

18 February 2011

Crystal took Jarrod and I out for a lovely Indian dinner last night. It was scrumptious. Today I braved the heat, schvitzed like a hog, but went to see Gail who was not well today.

Then I went back home, dug out the weeds in the back garden which is now completed....yay then spent the evening watching Paranormal State. A good day!

18 February 2009

is very frustrated at being sick with asthma and allergies again...just got over the last illness.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons