Kindly f*** off.

To whom it may concern.

I remember our first collaboration, I was just a girl at the time, and you were my knight in shining armor. You told me you would be my personal bodyguard, and protect me from all things that would mean me harm. All I had to do was sign a contract that I surrender all will to you. You said I'd be a “New and improved version of myself.” That I wouldn't have to fear again, because every time I was at risk of harm or pain, you would shield me. And you didn't lie.

I remember when those boys got too touchy for my comfort, that's the first time you really came through for me. And when I was 17 and it felt like my home life was crashing around me, you stepped in and got me through that. Even during my marriage when I felt the most betrayed, you found a way to keep my mind and sanity safe.

One of the most pivotal moments that was truly a miracle, was when I lost my daughters. I had no desire to carry on at that point and was ready to quit living. But you stepped in and found a way to make the pain a little more bearable. Since then I have had my highs and lows, and you have always been there watching out, waiting for the time you need to intervene and save me from the brink. Or when my dad died when he shouldn't have, the closest and most wise person I had in my life, you again didn't fail me. You held me through the grief, you numbed out some of the pain. You took me to a better place in my head.

I just should have read the fine print.

What I didn't realize was that by giving you all the control, you would strip away all that was really me. And your tactics were questionable at the very least. The first thing you did was tuck my inner child away, somewhere hidden in the dark. And you replaced her with a hollow version that didn't carry the same emotional depth. I couldn't feel her anymore. The next step was choosing to add a layer of disassociation, with a pinch of living in a fantasy of “How I want reality to look.”

Stuck in my head, safer, but playing out things that would never be. But that could only carry my pain so far. And That's when a new depth of heartache hit me, and you went to extreme lengths to keep me alive. Only, I wasn't really alive was I? Maybe physically, but inside I was as dead as a corpse in a casket. You found a way to numb my mind so much that I really didn't care. It was the safest I had felt in a long time, poison in my veins.

I'll give you credit, as unsavory as your tactics may have been, at times they really were the only things that got me through. So thank you for that.

But I realize now that every time you shielded me, it stripped away a layer of my authentic self. I slowly lost my identity or any concept of who I was meant to be. And I've noticed the past few years, your way of protecting me has become less and less effective. The isolation and antisocial behavior is now leaving me feeling lacking, the disassociation just causes a pile of backed up baggage that implodes, and the addiction stops serving its purpose, instead becoming an emotional burden that's not worth it to bear.
So I guess what I'm saying is, your protection is no longer serving me.

Something is trying to break free from my core. A feeling or a voice (I'm not quite sure which, maybe both) that has been stifled and muted to the point I almost didn't recognize it calling me. But it has chipped away just enough of your layers that it made me realize the imposter you have created in me. A copy of myself who is built on nothing but pain and trauma, one who's coping mechanisms are just as harmful as the original deed itself. You did your job according to the description, so well in fact, that I found myself locked inside a tiny box, with only the smallest hole for a light to shine out of. But that light was like a match, burning through the bullshit fraudulent pieces built upon my being. It was like a beacon when I was finally willing to see it, an S.O.S.saying “Who have you become?”

And that was the question that made me realize your services are no longer required. I cannot begin to reach my full potential when all the false identities you shielded me with are constantly trying to surface. I cannot grow or discover my true self to the fullest when you have filled the space with a mirage of the girl you think best suits me.

I've outgrown you, I'm growing into me.
The contract is null and void because your services no longer apply to my specific needs.
So with much respect, kindly fuck off.


Sincerely,
Tressa's inner child