"Just Wait a Year"

As someone who recently announced that she was/am single, I have gotten a lot of comments about waiting a year before dating or meeting people.

While I do understand being willing to get comfortable being alone, I also want to say that this doesn't apply in all circumstances.

I am a very independent person and will rather do it alone than to owe you for it later on. I do not need to talk to anyone. I do not need you. And that was one of the reasons I am single... because I am that way and for some... well... it wasn't enough to just be wanted.

I also have discovered a truth that not many people, even my close circle of friends, knew about me. And I made this realization last night after a long day where I was extremely exhausted.

I was lonely and wanting someone to come sit next to me. Someone to help me sort through the pile of laundry. Someone to watch a movie with me, eat some ice cream, cuddle, and regulate emotions together after a long day. I started worrying that I haven't been single long enough and that maybe some of these other opinions were right...

And I started crying because that means that I have over-estimated where I am in the healing journey. To be completely fair, I needed to cry last night after the exhausting day that I had had.

Then, this morning, I came to a realization: I am just fine being alone. I have several friends or family members who I could have called, but I didn't. Because I do not need someone.

I stopped relying on other people several years ago. I still reach out to ask for help if I want some help, but at the end of the day? I do not need another person to be O.K..

I want to be able to share things.

I want to have companionship.

I want to have connection.

I haven't had those things since 2021 - despite being in a so-called relationship. Sharing things wasn't safe - for me or for my children. Companionship when you are the one making all of the accommodations is exhausting. Connection? Requires safety.

I bit my tongue to avoid sharing too much. I sat there in a grey-zone hoping that if I gave enough of myself, that... it would be enough. I prayed for my family to be whole.

I had to learn to do things myself and find the strength inside myself to provide a stable home for my children. I had to learn to self-soothe quietly to avoid causing instability for my children.

And then? I had to learn how to look my biggest fears in the face and walk through a fire that I never wanted to have to walk through. My prayers changed to ask God to make a clear, safe path plainly marked for me to walk down and to remove the thistles in my life.

That last part? That is still fairly new and I am still adjusting to not being afraid of losing small battles as I am fighting a war with God by my side. Some times my fears still surface... and some times, the new hardness comes across as aloof and uncaring. But, I am ever-so-thankful for Him removing those who do not belong in the new life I am forging for my family ... even on the days where I am like, but that person was really great... weren't they?!

But, back to being alone... even though I wanted companionship last night... there was no one that made the cut for a call.

There was one person who almost did, but I refuse to lose that part of myself and need a specific someone to sit beside me without choosing me as much as I choose them.

So, when I am out and about meeting new people and making new connections and you think I am just lonely? Know that my loneliness has been here since about May of 2021. I have hidden it well for the best interest of my children.

Also know that unless you and I both know that you can commit to being a part of my life and prove to me your intentions are just as pure and honest as mine are, that... well... you will never get an "I'm lonely" call.

I refuse to beg to be loved by other people when I can love myself.

And until someone is alright with simply being wanted - without taking it as an insult to their gender - I will remain alone on my couch, taking care of my business, and making sure that everything gets done that needs to be done because I am independent and self-sufficient.

Just like I've done for 3 years now.

When asked why I even bother to put myself out there then?

Because I don't have time... but I still want more, so I will still follow my desires. ;-)