Fear

I have let fear rule my entire life. I am twenty-three years old and am not courageous enough to face my fears. Some of those fears are fairly common, like my fear of spiders and snakes. Others can be more complex, like my fear of being abandoned. Growing up, the people around me shamed me for my fears, which ironically made my fears even worse. I have been struggling with anxiety for the past ten or so years, and it's to the point where I will refuse to do the things that I want to do the most just because I'm afraid of trying new things. One of the things I always wanted was to be a singer, but because of how my sisters treated me, I became afraid of failing or looking dumb. I stayed in the worst relationship of my life because I was afraid of being on my own again. I wanted to be on YouTube, but got afraid of being in the public eye, even though I probably wouldn't do well enough to have an audience anyways.

Every day, I struggle to push the limits of my anxiety to live a life that I'm proud of. I got married to the love of my life after I pushed through my anxiety and kissed him for the first time. We're in the process of buying our first house, and I am absolutely terrified that I'm making a huge mistake. I keep telling myself that everything will work itself out. Twenty-three years of being to afraid to move forward. I wanted to work towards getting my own house years ago, but I was too afraid that I wouldn't be capable of doing it alone. My husband and I have been living in our current apartment for almost the entirety of our marriage, but I decided recently that it was time that we should start looking for a place of our own.

I began my house hunt, and I found this gorgeous four-bedroom house about an hour from where we originally wanted to move. I showed it to my husband, who said he loved it. I debated for a bit if I was even going to reach out about the house, because good things don't really seem to happen to me. Finally, I pushed past that fear and reached out about the house. Now, we're supposed to be closing on the house at the end of the month. I am still afraid that something is going to happen between now and then that will cause us to not get the house.

Even though things seem to be going well with the house, I also have this fear about switching jobs, but I will need a new job after getting this house. I currently work twelve-hour shifts, and this new house would be three and half hours away from our current apartment, making us almost fours away from our current workplace. I just recently graduated with a master's degree in business administration, which I was also terrified to start my schooling, but by graduation I decided I wanted to go into Human Resources. I have put in numerous applications, receiving no positive responses except this one that wanted to have an interview over video. I was supposed to do the interview a couple days ago, but I panicked a half hour prior and decided to reschedule for a week later.

I know that this job interview could be my only shot at a good job near the new house right now, but I'm afraid of the change. I currently work a production job, and this interview is for a management trainee position for a rental car company. It would be the first position that I would have using my new degree. I know that I need to accept and complete the interview to even give myself the chance to get a job that will let us live in this new house.

I'm so terrified or so much, and I don't want my life to be ruled by fear anymore. I just don't know how to stop being so afraid all the time. I've never been the brave, confident girl that goes after what she wants. I have always been the one that just sits back and watches life happen. Every time I went after what I wanted in life, I felt like that decision immediately slapped me in the face. I need to push past my fears and just follow my dreams.