Confusion is like a road block

Information overload happens sometimes. Did I watch too much television? Did I read too many articles online of various topics? Did I inquire too much about various possibilities as I was trying to figure out how to "get a life"? Probably. It's like going to the buffet restaurant. There's so much! Where do I start? What should I try? What will I like?

Confusion is like a road block. When one can see all the possibilities and opportunities, it can be overwhelming. The world is open. You've got the keys to the car. Now where are you going? Dorothy (from the story Wizard of Oz) feels this confusion when she gets to her first crossroads and meets the Scarecrow. She's trying to get home, but she's been told to follow the road. Then suddenly the road splits and she has to make choices. Confusion sets in. Though the roads are open, the "not knowing" where to go or what to do is like a paralysis especially for cautious people. Robert Frost's poem "The Road Not Taken" does not offer any clarity in deciding. It only tells us that he was content with his choice. I feel like I am standing at the crossroads every day.

I try to make it simple. I try to be honest with myself. What do I want? True love and 5 million dollars. Ok. So I'm not going to get what I want. As the Rolling Stones have sung for years - "You can't always get what you want..." - No problem. I can accept that. Now what? I want my health! Yes, that's important, because I know that nothing can make me happy when I'm sick. Do I have control over my health? Do I get to decide that I'm healthy? I'm still confused. Well, whether I do have control or I don't have control, let's pretend that I do so that we can move on. Ok, I'm healthy, now what? Ummmmmm..... I don't know. What should I want? What should I do? Maybe that's a bad question. I can't just Want something because someone says I should. Then I'm just pretending. Oh brother. This is hard. Maybe the other way is easier. What don't I want? I don't want meatloaf or brussel sprouts. I definitely don't want that. Oh yeah, that was much easier. Maybe that's how I should approach it. Stop asking myself "What do you want?" and ask myself "What don't you want?" It's much easier to say "No" to something than to try to get a "Yes" for something. Perfect! I've figured it out.

Oh, I guess not. I didn't want to wash the dishes or take out the garbage, but I had to. I didn't want to wear a bladder control pad or scrub the toilet, but I had to. I didn't want to feel anymore body aches or take any pain medication, but I had to. Oh bother! It doesn't work the other way either. I'm still stuck at the crossroads. Where do I go? What do I do?

Want? Don't Want? Neither seems to be working. So how about I just do what I do and try to enjoy it since nothing changes anyway by wanting or not wanting? Yeah, I'll try that. Ok, now I'm moving. Now I'm heading down the road again. I've got a schedule and a map. I know I'm going to wash the dishes, scrub the toilet, and take the garbage out on Mondays. I know I'm going to go the gym on Wednesdays. I know I'm going to go to church on Sundays. Phew. What a relief. Everything is settled now. Wait, what happened? Something went wrong with the schedule? Traffic got backed up? The car broke down? Someone was sick and needed help? I didn't have enough money on that day for gas? What? Oh no! There goes my plan and my schedule. How am I suppose to enjoy myself even doing the stuff that I'd rather not be doing if that can't even be smooth and predictable? Oy ve.

I guess I'll just stay in bed and fantasize. I have the perfect man. Oh my god, he loves me more than anyone in the world and he is absolutely gorgeous. He kisses me the way I want to be kissed. He makes love better than I ever could have imagined. There is no one in the world I'd rather be in love with and no one can ever steal him away. He's mine forever! Ahhhhhh! Thank you fantasy. I think I'll keep doing that.

Oh wow, I just won 5 million dollars! What am I going to do with all that money? Well, 10% has to go to the church of course. Then of course, I have to pay off my debts. So let's just say after I do my share of giving back, I have 4 million dollars. Wow. That's amazing! I'm rich. I guess I'll travel. Yeah! I'll just hit the open road in my brand new Mercedes RV and explore the great frontier. I'll see all kinds of new things and I'll have the money to do whatever I want to do or get whatever I need to get along the way. Wow. Thank you Fantasy. This is great.

I don't want to get out of bed anymore. Fantasy is so much better than real living. Do I need Directions for Living? Um, well, I think the sign points back to my bed. That is until I Have to go to the bathroom or the pain in my back is too much to deal with. Then I Have to get up and do whatever the body is telling me to do. So that's it. It doesn't matter if you don't have a parent or a spouse or a boss telling you what to do or where to go. The Body will always dictate to you when you have no idea.