(Dim lighting upon the "congregation" room where there are enough couches and chairs for the whole cast to sit.)

Wendy:     Good morning everyone. Today's Monday and as usual we will go over the rules of the "Lost and Found" homeless shelter and your responsibilities as a member and resident here.  Ethan has made plenty of coffee, so grab a cup and take a seat please.

(Roshelle, Todd, and Louise pour coffee into their cups, then take a seat. Yara is sitting near Jes. Heather, Freddie, and and Ayja are seated on a couch together. Ethan and Paulo are seated in their own chairs.)

Todd:   (after he sits)  The motherfucking coffee is too damned hot and the shitty smelling spic can do a better job than the martyr masochist.

Wendy:   Okay Todd, calm down. Just put the coffee aside for now. 

Paulo:  (mumbling quietly)  Tu madre es una puta y tu padre es un gringo muy stupido.

Todd:  Wendy! The cocksucking rules clearly fucking state that we are to communicate with each other in motherfucking English.

Wendy:   Por favor Paulo, hablas Engles. Yes, Todd is correct. One of our rules is that when we get together in group time, we all speak English. Now before we go over our rules, I'd like to introduce our newest resident, Yara Prezkoff. She joined us on Friday. Yara, could you please stand up?

(Yara stands up feeling awkward and waves to the group.)

Wendy:   Yara is not diagnosed as some of you are, however, she is seeing me for private counseling sessions and I believe that she is an undiagnosed Kleptomaniac. 

Jes:   What? Are you serious? Wendy, how could you do that?

Louise:   So are we going to get lockers or something so that we can protect our personal properties?

Ayja:   aya kewu eefan uga tank bow taykee af rum meech.

Todd:   Ayja, you're breaking the assfucking rules again! Your creative mumbo jumbo language is not English!

Wendy:   Alright, alright. I know this is a lot after a long weekend. You can sit down Yara. At this time, we don't have the funds for a locker room, but if you have any personal property that you would like to lock in the Clare Closet, we can do that for anyone who feels better that way. 

Ethan:  (to Yara)  Do you steal food too?  

Wendy:  (to both of them)  No. The kitchen is open to everyone at anytime and everyone knows that any food in the kitchen is for anyone at anytime. 

Jes:  (to Yara) Welcome to Bedlam, we hope you enjoy your stay here at "Lost and Found" homeless home. 

Wendy:   (to Jes)  Try not to confuse her.  She speaks English well, but she was born in Russia. 

Wendy (to the whole group)  Ok, let's go over our rules. (hands out the rules sheets to everyone). Ethan, will you read the first rule.

Ethan:  Be kind and respectful to all residents and guests.

Wendy:   Yes, thank you Ethan. Remember that we are all struggling with personal and complicated problems and compassion and understanding will help us all get along better so that we can continue to enjoy the comforts that we have here. Roshelle, will you read Rule Number Two, please?

Roshelle:   The ghost in the machine had the spellchecker rigged. Did you figure out how to get that corrected?

Wendy:  I'm not sure Roshelle, but could you please read Rule Number 2 anyway?

Roshelle:  Rule Number 2, Keep your hands to yourself and do not get into a physical altercation. If you need some touching time, you must go outside or upstairs. 

Wendy:  Very good. Yes, that is correct. The downstairs area where we meet and sleep and eat are to be as peaceful as we can keep them. You know that Paulo is constantly cleaning up after everyone and we appreciate his work very much. So no touching or fighting downstairs. Does everyone understand that?  (nods and silence)  Alright, good. Ok, Todd go ahead and read Rule Number 3 for us.

Todd:  Rule Number Fuckin 3...  In order to avoid miscommunication, English is to be spoken at group meetings and counseling sessions. That goes for you too Ayja. Speak motherfuckin English.

Ayja:  Terretz Syndrome is not a language. 

Wendy:    Ok, thank you Todd. Yes, most of us are already aware that Todd has Terretz Syndrome. So his speech is very colorful. Let's keep going. Freddie, would you please read Rule Number 4?

Freddie:  Clean up after yourself including your bed, your body, and your personal waste. 

Wendy:   Very good, thank you Freddie. Yes, very very important. So far we have done a great job and our home here is nice and clean and free from pests. Paulo, Ethan, Heather, and I have made sure that the bathrooms and the kitchen area are stocked and clean for everyone here and we really really appreciate it when you do your part to look after yourself about hygiene and cleanliness. This is our home. It's all we have. We are not on the dirty street and it's nice to be home in a clean environment. Ok, Heather, would you read Rule Number 5 please?

Heather:  Adult beverages and smoking are only permitted upstairs. 

Wendy:  Thank you. Yes, that is correct. We understand that some of you are still struggling with addiction issues or medication problems, but the compromise here at Lost and Found shelter is that Touching, Drinking, or Smoking must be done upstairs. Downstairs is to be peaceful and clean at all times. Does anyone have any questions about that? 

Jes:   What about drugs?  Can I snort cocaine upstairs too?

Wendy:  No, Jes. You know that, which brings us to our next rule. Go ahead, Jes, you read it. 

Jes:   Rule Number 6, No illegal activity anywhere on the property of the Lost and Found shelter. 

Wendy:  That's right. If it is illegal to do, then it isn't legal here either. So no killing each other, no stealing, no illegal drugs, no violence, etcetera. 

Louise:   Yeah, but you just told us that Yara is a klepto. Stealing is illegal. 

Wendy:     I understand your concern and confusion. Stealing is illegal, yes. And Kleptomania is a mental illness. Just like Terretz Syndrome. We have learned to adjust to Todd's behavior and we will learn to live with Yara as well. If you are worried about any of your personal property, we can lock it up for your peace of mind. Alright?  (Louise nods in agreement)

Roshelle:   Your father was raped before your conception.

Todd:   Motherfucking rapists should go to hell!

Wendy:     Ok, ok, calm down now. It's alright. You all read the last of the rules to yourself quietly so we can get a little break. (She walks over to the coffee and pours herself a cup and sips. When she sees most people are done reading, she continues.)  Is there anyone at this time who would like to put any of there personal property into the locked safety room? 

Wendy:    Heather and I have been talking about some ideas and plans to make the shelter better. If you have any ideas or thoughts like that we'd love to hear them. 

Ethan:     I think we should have a room for stray pets. 

Wendy:   I understand Ethan. That's complicated, but I will give it some more thought. 

Paulo:   We need soap soon for the bathrooms.

Wendy:   Oh, ok. Are we getting low?  (Paulo nods yes) I'll check the supply cabinet, if not I'll make sure we get some.  Anything else?

Freddie:   Does the old movie theater still work? Could we watch old movies in there?

Wendy:    I'll have to ask Quincy about that, Freddie. I've never really gone in there and I have no idea.  Anyone else?  (silence)  Alright, then let's take a 10 minute break and we'll come back to talk about how our weekends went.

Horrific Humans 

Act I, Scene I

(Dim lighting upon the "congregation" room where there are enough couches and chairs for the whole cast to sit.)

Wendy:     Good morning everyone. Today's Monday and as usual we will go over the rules of the "Lost and Found" homeless shelter and your responsibilities as a member and resident here.  Ethan has made plenty of coffee, so grab a cup and take a seat please.



Horrific Humans

Act I, Scene I

About the Creator

Shanon Angermeyer Norman

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Horrific Humans