Absent...

To those who have been following me, I apologize for my absence lately, and dwindling activity. Truth be told, the last few months have been filled with much struggle, which has resulted in me withdrawing into silence for the most part. Legal troubles due to piling up bill caused by health issues and financial struggles as prices of everything skyrocket has made surviving more than a struggle. The ridiculously high prices of my medications for my health issues and fighting with insurance for coverage of them has resulted in me being without some of them as I continue to navigate the stupid hoops they put in place on healthcare needs. And, most recently, I had to make the very difficult and heartbreaking decision to put one of my fur babies down due to unresolvable health issues that would continue to cause him pain and anguish.

What was supposed to be a peaceful experience free from harm for him turned into 4 hours of unimaginable agony and devastation as he refused to let the sedation put him into a deep sleep state. He knew I was under duress and his guardian instinct to protect "momma" kept him fighting the medication for hours. The moment we thought he was finally sound asleep and ready for the final goodbye medicine to be administered, he shot up in anger as the vet touched one of his sore limbs. This resulted in them having to administer more sedative than recommended for a peaceful drift to goodbye, instead he was filled with anxiety as his breath became labored and he wondered what was going on and why "momma" and "daddy" were causing him discomfort and making him feel this way. What should have been a loving, peaceful, calm goodbye moment is now a nightmarish hell of guilt and anguish that I will never be able to escape from.

I am still trying to come up with the additional funds owed to the vet when we pick up his ashes, and for his memorial box... and while I am not one to ask for help, I feel that I owe it to him to make sure his final memorial is better than his final goodbye. I do not want to fail him twice. I am forgoing getting my asthma medication for now as a means to save those funds to go towards this, but it is not enough. I know it is a difficult time for all right now, but any donation at this time here on Vocal is appreciated as I try to do one last thing right for my good boy. I will write as I am able to and hope to eventually continue some of the unfinished chapters I've been posting on Vocal for my readers, but right now, my heart is shattered and my mind filled with nightmares, and every waking moment I am overwhelmed by unimaginable anxiety, depression and stress. Until my soul begins to heal, I will continue to be scarce but never fully gone.

Thank you for your support and may all those struggling find relief soon. ♥

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