A Journey of Learning Peace of Mind Despite Being Adamant to Change

Where do we draw the line between exerting more effort and letting go?

To accept things are not going the way you want them, is a laborious conflict to someone like me who is perfectionistic.

Living with bipolar disorder, I was accustomed to preparing for stress and crafting a detailed plan for how to mitigate my crises. It might surprise you, but I don’t find this activity a burden. In fact, I love it — strategizing how I should overcome the days ahead feels exciting.

But, not having things go according to plan does not equalize excelling on making the roadmap. It’s a must for me to keep in mind that it’s okay for things to not fall perfectly the way I want them to be — easier said than done.

You see, there are 7 days in a week and more times than that were my mood swings in 3 days. My mind had been struggling back and forth with self-confidence issues until this morning. I just woke up feeling like I don’t care anymore. I just thought that it’s much better to be okay about stuff this way. I gave up feeling tired of chasing after things to align the way I planned for them.

Here’s where to accept and give your trust in things, which comes with peace of mind. I know of someone who said to me a couple of times:

“There are many redirections in life — unexpected places and unexpected times. It doesn’t mean that if it didn’t work right now, it won’t be reached forever.”

While thinking about what this person said, I found an example from my past that resonated with the quote.

In all the assessments I took, people around me and Mom have told me that I was an intelligent kid. But if I remember correctly, I thought they were just saying that because that’s what everyone says about a small kid. They start out imposing expectations on them from a young age and kids learn what gives them rewards from behaviors that don’t.

I soon had disparities when yes, I had great marks on my tests as an elementary student but I couldn’t get on the honor list. So, I thought okay, “There are plenty of people that are smarter than me. I’m probably not as smart as I thought I was.” Until adolescence approached me and I totally disapproved of my potential for greatness. My self-esteem was rock bottom and talking about it now feels out of touch with reality. There was this hidden persona beneath a thick layer of insecurity and self-consciousness that I tried very hard to reject. In this instance, conditioning is already present, and not being able to keep up with my peers felt degrading.

Whenever life kept fumbling me down, I liked to think then, “If only I could take away the mental health issues I’m having, doing things just like what others are doing would be easier.”

FALSE — just me casually answering my old self, it’s a no for me. But it’s clear, when I was having a bad day (which believe me felt like every single day at the time), I had this perfect image of myself ingrained within. I was boggled down by my thoughts but, I had a shimmer of fighting spirit. I knew the potential I had because I was the only person to ever validate my judgments. But, it felt empty at the same time having no outcome to this “potential”. Then it hit me — I was the type of person who didn’t dare try at anything.

I knew I was good at this and that — but, I didn’t try doing it. I knew I could do that and this — but, again I wasted years not trying. Heck, now I remember back when I rejected an offer to be part of a spelling contest two times because I simply didn’t like the pressure given to me for being in that place. Although, I got high qualifications for it. I had someone tell me at the time that they’d jump on that opportunity if they were me. Crazy. (I was, not the other person.)

I thought only distinct people could get awards but, seeing I didn’t belong in them, made me question things about myself a lot. I’ve realized that I probably developed this idea from a very young age. Until one day, my brain regions slowly started forgetting other people, I focused solely on my well-being, and I didn’t think how powerful it was that I made that kind of decision at the time.

Despite proudly sharing my world record of mood swings per day, I’ll be bold and tell everyone reading this how great I accelerated with trying at everything I didn’t give an inch of the chance to. I guess the recent accomplishment I could boast about is being at the 2nd rank on our mock board exams while overloading on my subjects, already landing a side job after finishing college next month, and getting a reply back from people I admire around the world in a single click. (Because I believe my personality is great.)

We don’t look back enough to realize the important changes that happened through the years. You could say it’s partly because we were too young to even remember or to figure things out.

I trust that things will redirect me to unexpected places and times I know were meant for me, through accepting that plans are just manuals not reality. By the way, even the most beautiful inventions happen by accident, why would I disagree with that?