The Management Consultant’s Menu

The world of management consultancy is often characterised as one of anally-retentive, middle-aged middle managers who, having been shit-canned for taking ruinous initiatives while employed, are then freed to consult as external leadership-for-hire. The idea is that their initial employer can deploy them positively by taking their stupid ideas and catastrophic behaviour to the ever-accepting, willing maws of their competitors.

This is known as a lose-lose situation and is central to the concept of business in the UK.

In an effort to make the UK profession seem more glamorous, ethically sound and publicly-presentable, researchers have combed the nation’s Travelodges, Premier Inns and other budget hotels, and captured feral management consultants from the wild.

In the first instance, the research sought to study them in a controlled environment. After many months of captivity, certain behavioural patterns emerged.

The primary pattern to emerge was alignment and coalescence. Within moments of their involuntary internment, every single consultant framed a strategy – in consultation with other consultants – in which group think was not to be tolerated.

Another pattern to surface early was one of strategic paradoxen. A simple explanation of strategic paradoxen is that they are not simply explainable. Based on a Zen Koan, a strategic paradox is something that almost makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but with all useful insights stripped away.

One particular paradoxical strategy was best demonstrated when many of the captive consultants spontaneously arranged symposiums and ad hoc initiatives to create actionable solutions against symposiums, ad hoc initiatives and solutions.

Break for Lunch

Naturally, we needed to settle our consultants into their early captivity. And what finer way than a luncheon based on right-to-left thinking where all cutlery has been replaced with experimental, hinged wooden paddles and, for obvious reasons, the knives have been confiscated.

May we present our plan for A Strategic Dining Initiative: A Six-Phase, Procedural Culinary Implementation Program

Phase 1: Preliminary Engagement Protocol

Synergistic Flavour Optimisation Module

* Micro-Scale Truffle-Enhanced Rice Sphere Deliverables: 

Leveraging best-in-class frying methodologies to achieve optimal textural outcomes. Accompanied by citrus-forward emulsion interface for enhanced user experience.

Phase 2: Initial Stakeholder Nourishment

Cross-Functional Protein-Vegetable Integration

* Thermally-Processed Bivalve Mollusk Solution: 

Premium scallop assets subjected to controlled thermal exposure protocols. Deployed atop a homogenised brassica substrate with value-added brown butter lubricant and caper garnish modules.

Phase 3: Mid-Cycle Resource Allocation

Pasta-Based Delivery System (Plant-Forward Option Available)

* Encapsulated Gourd Parcels: 

Hand-crafted dough matrices containing optimised subspecies of Cucurbita moschata filling. Interfacing with sage-infused lipid reduction sauce and textural elements derived from the separated kernels of Pinus pinea.

* Alternative Pathway: 

Avian Protein Implementation: Breast asset from Anas platyrhynchos, or a compatible conspecific, prepared to medium-rare specifications per industry best practices. Synergized with cherry-port reduction framework and support infrastructure based on the tubers of Solanum tuberosum, subjected to optimal thermal processing.

Phase 4: Liquid Asset Refreshment Interval

Temperature-Controlled Vegetable Suspension

* Chilled Cucumber-Avocado Amalgamation: 

A strategically cooled liquid matrix designed to recalibrate palate parameters. Enhanced with dairy-based garnish solutions and herb oil finishing touches.

Phase 5: Primary Protein Deployment

Premium Mammalian Option

* Herb-Encrusted Ovine Rack Infrastructure: 

Lamb assets optimised through controlled thermal processing. Integrated with wine-based sauce architecture and corn-meal substrate platform.

* Alternate Marine Protein Explicatory Solution (Finfish Excellence Initiative): 

Sea bass specimen with optimized dermal crispness metrics. Supported by quinoa-based foundational elements and leafy green accompaniments.

Interim Palate Recalibration

Citrus-Based Frozen Asset

* Yuzu-Flavoured Ice Crystal Formation: 

Strategically deployed to neutralise taste receptors and prepare for final phase implementation.

Phase 6: Sweet Asset Culmination

Multi-Component Chocolate Architecture

* Deconstructed Thermal Chocolate Matrix: 

Featuring molten core technology, vanilla-based frozen dairy accompaniment, chocolate particle substrate, and berry-based sauce overlay.

Post-Implementation Micro-Treats

Bite-Sized Satisfaction Deliverables

* Assorted Miniaturised Confection Portfolio:

• Almond-based sandwich cookies (various flavour profiles)
• Diminutive squares of confectionery
• Cocoa-based spherical units
• Fresh fruit tart prototypes

Liquid Pairing Consultation Services: 

Our beverage synergy specialist has curated fermented grape solutions to optimise each phase. Additional craft ethanol mixtures and non-alcoholic alternatives available upon consultation with culinary subject matter experts.

Note: All culinary assets subject to availability and seasonal procurement considerations. Please consult your service facilitator regarding dietary restriction accommodations and allergen management protocols.