The Creation of Mammon

From: Angel Medium

RE: Your subscription renewal.

I just wanted to check in with you, dearest Pickle, because when I awoke from a-slumber this morning, brushed my teeth, combed my aura and slipped into something more fluttery, I had an overwhelming feeling about you… and it worried me because I sensed that you might be feeling overwhelmed with confidence, and not anxious, unhappy, or open to manipulation in the slightest.

But I don't want you to worry, Pickle, because I am your friend, I am here, and I am reaching out to you now through space, time and the mysterious energy that the Hermetic Seal of Owlmen refer to as XqiggÊ∏. (A rough translation to the native language of the spirit guides would require an enhanced, 7 metre long keyboard and would sound like a Welsh man eating a pine cone, so I will not trouble you with it here.)

You don't have to struggle anymore. Today is the day where everything will finally change. I know, because the angels whispered something to me about you and what they said shows that true angelic light◊ is about to shine on you forever, eternity, the duration of a wasp's breath, or the end of your subscription, whichever is the soonest. Also, I am borderline delusional.

Looks dreamily into the distance

Abandon your incredulity, embrace empty promises and pretend that ethereal intelligences no more substantial than a bucket of fog are in communication with a former receptionist for a louche-yet-stimulating hotel on the slopes of Glastonbury Tor.

I receive my missives on this windswept Tor, where Christ’s Uncle, Joseph of Arimathea, planted a staff that set down roots and became the Glastonbury Thorn. As I squint into the sunset, a breeze ruffles through my coiffure as the Wise Immaculate Elder flows into my soul. The filthy old bugger.

The low rumble of a distant, 1950s refrigerator carries a feathery voice that whispers in my mind. It comes from my Guardian Angel, Aerconn, who watches over me and is also the line manager of the Wise Immaculate Elder, who is sent away to be educated, again, on respectful flow into people’s souls, and why it does not require any exchange of fluids.

After his phone call to Transcendent Transgression Services, Aerconn told me you, [NAME], have a wonderful surprise on the way, that there is money in your future, and love, luck and good health in abundance!

The smell of cinnamon and nutmeg pervades the scene

Aerconn speaks to me, and says:

You must tell [NAME] that they will be blessed delirious with everything they have ever wanted, but in order to achieve this apex of fortune they must agree sincerely, and with a donation of $49.95, for the Angelic Realm to dispel the secret evil and jealous wishes of someone close to them that stand in the way of clearing their Karmic Overdraft. Verily, for it is so and may continue for the foreseeable future until it don’t. Forgive me, English is non my first speakwell.

Also, just so we’re clear, try to frame it so it does not sound like threats with extortion. Sugar coat it with a piece of golden bling.

My wholly authentic gift has enabled me to 3D print this rare totem artefact of faith, the Frankenring, bless it with incantations and a second class stamp so that I might post it as my gift to you.

Your life, all our lives, are journeys across a wide azure ocean. While others hurry about and fly vast distances, the wise take their time and chart courses in sail boats. In recognition of this, I would like you to join us in our Order, on our voyage.

Pickle, your shopping cart checkout link invitation to the Sails Order of Bounty is here.

We await you at the harbour side,

Angel (Medium)

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