Brextrication

Note: I’ve had these layouts lying around my hard drive like a torporific teenager who has outstayed their welcome and eaten all the cheese. Not all metaphors work, do they? So, I thought I would Kindle them and make a few pennies from this project nobody wanted to touch with a burnt stick back in 2016.

What the decision to leave the EU means to you

From the office of Herre Gehweg, Lead Brexit Negotiator.

Britain’s decision to leave the European Union will have long- lasting effects on us all, but will those effects be good or bad? And exactly how awful will absolutely everything be?

As well as Britain’s national exit from the European Union, every citizen of the UK is being asked to separate themselves from their European counterparts and this book is the mechanism by which that process, Die Enthauptung, will be executed.

Like most separations, the potential for acrimony und bitterkeit is a risk, but the efficient split of a generation of co-operative enterprise is no small feat and we must all be magnanimous, großmütig and high-minded as long as we both acknowledge that it was you who started all of this. You invited Poland.

No man is an island, according to your poet John Donne, but under EU directive 5482/ATJD7772693, every man, woman and child has the legal right to declare themselves a peninsula and it is my solemn duty to facilitate the de-peninsulisation of UK citizens. It is with a heavy heart I move my pen towards the last field of this form and prepare to flood the political and constitutional channels that will now lie between us.

Auf wiedersehen to you.

Introduction by Sir Alan Bladder, MP , QC, DFS

It is better to light a candle in the darkness

than wait to evolve into an owl

Latvian Proverb

Dear Citizen of the Sunlit Uplands,

In this era of extreme democracy, it falls to me as Secretary of State of the Department of Leaving Europe, to introduce this book – a joint work of the DoLE, Herre Gehweg from the EU, the Department of Social Scrutiny and colleagues from my former office, the Ministry of Truth and Other Information.

The EU has taken the view that, in addition to the referendum, every citizen of this great country should reaffirm to the authorities in Brussels that they are ready, en masse, to secede from the Union. In order to help citizens see what the world after our membership of the Union will look like, my office has already begun to provide information on certain key topics where the EU has had an impact on business and life in the UK. For your convenience, we have added some of our insights to the pages of this book.

Only by being clear, frank and absolutely, frankly and clearly absolute, will we be able to move forward, stand up and sleep safely in our beds; on this I am absolutely clear.

So I commend this book to you, the normal person in the street, as the only way we can face one another arm-in-arm as we move forward, in-step to a new future different to the one we were thinking of in the past.

To paraphrase my colleagues on the front benches, we are all out of it together.

What you must do if you want to leave the EU

In order for us to process the United Kingdom’s application to leave the European Union, UK citizens must complete the following form and submit it to the Article 50 Redemption Centre in Brussels, together with a self-addressed envelope and a sample of their hair.

On receipt of your application, your responses will be carefully vetted by a team of depressed, pencil-faced fonctionnaires whose only joys in life are the regulation of badger-gassing procedures and the painstaking study of manila envelope requisition protocol.

Fill in each section of the form, returning here upon completion of each topic. You must fill in the form completely in a spirit of pan-continental bonhomie or points will be deducted.

Where applicable, mark not applicable. Once you have completed all the supplementary pages, sign the declaration and await further instructions from the foot of the page.

Return your completed form to the Article 50 Redemption Centre (Le Centre Européen pour Europe Totalement Putain) in Brussels. You can find our address by making a formal application to us at our address.

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Please do not write or mark below this line as it is set aside to promote biodiversity.

Here’s one I did earlier on Kindle

Contains an affiliate link. Also available to read on Kindle Unlimited