She Was The Girl of my Dreams!

I was 15 years old and it was the start of the school summer holidays. I had just been dumped by my first proper girlfriend for, in her words, being a bit too normal! So before our final parting, I quizzed her on what this meant exactly …

"Well, you don’t get really drunk and then roll around with me on the ground and stuff, like my other mates boyfriends!" She replied.

She was kind of right actually. Perhaps I was too much of a gentleman. I’ve always been a bit of a door opener for the ladies, even to this day (not because I think woman are crap at opening doors by the way, in case any feminists out there take offence. I do in fact, open them for men too. It’s just polite!)

So anyway, there was this beautiful brunette girl called Lydia that I had fancied for ages. But me being me, I never had the courage to ask her out face to face. She would often glide gracefully past me with her gorgeous smile saying 'Hiya!' at which point I would turn a dramatic beetroot colour, then reply back as though my mouth was filled with giant gobstoppers …

"Ahhhh …. hewoo..I’m, ah…uh."

I think you get the gist. I was an embarrassing mess!

She was a real classy girl. Her parents were exceedingly wealthy and they drove her around in a shiny green Bentley. But I was just a teenage hippy with acne and a skateboard. I had absolutely no chance!

Then one day out of the blue, my best mate Dave told me that his new girlfriend Claire, had spoken to her best friend Kelly (we had no social media back then!) and Kelly said that Lydia really fancied me and wanted to arrange a meet up at the local park for a date.

Yes, that’s right. A date. With Me!

So, on the day in question, I began jazzing myself up a bit. I put on my least holey jeans, my best Iron Maiden T-Shirt and even washed my greasy shoulder length hair. It actually looked like a lions mane when clean. Cool, or what! Then I started making my way down to the park like Simba going to meet Nala at a Metallica concert.

But unfortunately, I had forgotten something crucial …

During the summer months, I would often get really bad hay fever and took tablets to help prevent it. But due to all the excitement of meeting Lydia, I had forgotten to take them. So as I walked ever closer to the rendezvous point, I could feel my nose becoming rather stuffed up. But it wasn't going ruin my special day! Or so I thought …

As I approached, Lydia smiled at me (God she was stunning!) and then we both went in for a little welcoming kiss. It was at this point that a sudden surge of pollen from the park flowers decided to surge up my nostrils. Then just as I was going in for the kill, an uncontrollable sneeze exploded from my face, with more snot than you can fill a bucket with. Some hit her straight in the eyeball, while the rest hung out of my nose and down my chin like a giant snot snake!

"Eeeuuuuugghhh! what the hell have you done! I’m outta here!"

I watched in stunned silence, face dripping, as she turned and ran off into the park never to be seen again. The girl of my dreams, gone forever …

So that was my one-minute date.

(You can stop laughing now!)

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Original version published at https://medium.com/never-stop-writing/she-was-the-girl-of-my-dreams-4208ac7473b6