My Wife Thinks Size Really Matters!

I knew the day was going to be difficult as soon as I got out of bed that morning. I went to use the bathroom and discovered we’d run out of toilet roll. I had to use lettuce leaves. Gross!

And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Things went from bad to worse after that. I was singing in the shower and got shampoo in my mouth. That turned into a soap opera.

When I went downstairs, my wife raised the subject of our wallpaper. “Have you phoned the decorator yet?” she asked me.

“I said I’d do it, didn’t I?” I replied testily. “You don’t have to remind me every three months!”

Cowboy Operators

We’re hiring a decorator to do our hall and stairs, but I’ve been putting off phoning him. I hate getting tradesmen in. Too many cowboy operators around.

I paid a joiner in advance to build me a double bed. He did a bunk.

I like to do things myself when I can but I’m no good at DIY. I’m a better gardener. I used to have a beautiful herb garden. Good thymes.

I trust this decorator, though, Last year he painted our walls and ceilings. Okay, they’re not the best ceilings I’ve ever seen, but they’re up there.

Wallpaper Steamer

Before the decorator arrives on site, I need to do some grunt work. The old paper has to be stripped off. Hall and stairs? That’s a big job. I don’t think the small manual scraper I’ve been using for thirty years is up to the task.

My wife seems to hold the same opinion.

“You need to up your game,” she tells me over breakfast. “That wee thing you’ve been using since we got married isn’t fit for purpose.”

I’m 85% sure she’s talking about the wallpaper scraper.

“I’m on it,” I say, lifting my keys and heading for the door. “Next time you see me, I’ll be carrying a powerful new wallpaper steamer!”

“Don’t change the subject,” she says, buttering a piece of toast.

Bus Stop

A short time later I’m at the bus stop. I’m standing beside an elderly lady and her small dog. She seems agitated, so I ask her if she’s okay. “I’m a bit upset,” she tells me. “Milo here has been running a fever for three days, so I’m taking him to the vet.”

“Buy him some mustard,” I say helpfully. “It’s the best thing for a hot dog.” Fortunately, the bus arrives just then and I make my escape upstairs.

Town

Going into town can be a depressing experience. So many local businesses have shut down because of the economic downturn. Just recently, a local bra manufacturer went bust.

There’s talk the strip club in High Street is about to go tits up, too.

And that’s not all. ‘Snorkels Galore’, the scuba diving supplier, went under last week. Then there’s the food blender company which went into liquidation, the club for origami enthusiasts that folded ages ago, and the florists which had to prune its staff.

We’re all drinking bottled water since the water company went down the drain.

One or two business sectors have managed to buck the trend. Share prices for mapping companies are off the charts, while profits for steeplejacks are through the roof.

You know a town’s in trouble when secondhand shops spring up all over the place. They’re good places for a bargain, though, if you’re not too fussy. I spotted a broken drum for under a pound in one shop last week. Nobody can beat that.

And then there was a Smart TV selling for £5, but the volume was stuck on full.

There’s no way you could turn that down.

Holiday Money

As if all that wasn’t gloomy enough, I came out of one shopping mall and bumped into a woman crying her eyes out. She’d just lost £2000 — all her holiday money!

I didn’t like to see her so upset, so I gave her £300.

I don’t usually go in for grand gestures like that, but I’d just found £2000 in the car park.

Feeling good about myself, I went into Starbucks and asked to buy a muffin with chocolate chips. “Sorry, sir,” the barista said. “It’s cash or card only.”

Eventually, I got to the hardware shop and chose my wallpaper steamer. The assistant brought a small box from the back of the store and set it in my shopping cart. I stared at it for a moment.

“It’s not as big as I expected,” I said, slightly deflated.

“That’s what she said!” the assistant replied, grinning broadly.

Does he know my wife, I wonder?