Miss Gloria's Gentleman Caller

The Liberation of Gloria Cupidon

“Gloria, I can’t find your bras.”

“I got rid of those a month ago, Deb.”

“Why?”

“Well, Debbie, I decided it’s time to liberate myself.”

“Oh yes, I know what you mean, Gloria. It feels so freeing to just let them hang loose.”

“I guess you can put it that way, Debbie. I’m defying societal norms and embracing body positivity. My body is my temple of beauty.”

“Ah yes, I like the way you worded that. It’s poetic—yet strong and powerful.”

“I figured I’m 93 now. It’s time men start treating me as their equal.”

“Well, speaking of men, your gentleman caller will be arriving in about an hour.”

“Yes, William. We used to call him Billy back in the day. He sure was cute with those blue eyes and that dark, wavy hair.”

“He sounds dreamy.”

“He was. But now he’s bald and wears dentures that smell.”

“Anyway, Gloria, I was thinking you should dress up a little for him—maybe something a little flirty. Have fun with it.”

“I suppose I could throw a scarf around my neck. It would serve a dual purpose—fashion, and if Billy tries to get fresh, I can tie his hands together with it.”

“Oh certainly, Gloria. You’ve got to keep these men in line.”

“Billy better not try and slip me the tongue or he’ll get the surprise of his life. Have you ever eaten baked tongue before, Debbie?”

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Getting Ready for Billy

“I was thinking, Gloria—you could wear your flowery V-neck top. You always look so radiant in it.”

“Okay, let’s give that a try.”

“How about a little makeup?”

“Oh no, Debbie. I’m not running for Miss America or anything. I’m just having coffee with an old flame.”

“How about a little rouge on the cheeks? Just to liven up your face a bit?”

“My face is as alive as it’s gonna get. But okay, we can do a little rouge. I guess it would be fun to tease Billy like in the old days.”

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Billy’s Arrival

“Let’s get you set in your chair. That way, you’ll be ready for Mr. Billy.”

Debbie pushed Gloria in her wheelchair over to the TV room and helped her up into the comfortable recliner.

Gloria grew impatient as she waited. “He’s 15 minutes late. I guess some things never change.”

“Give him a few, Gloria. After all, he lives 85 miles from here.”

“True.”

Despite trying to hide her excitement, Gloria perked up when the doorbell chimed. She sat up attentively as Debbie answered the door.

“Hello, Billy. I’m Debbie, Gloria’s caregiver. Please come in—she’s in the TV room.”

Debbie guided Billy to Gloria.

Gloria wanted so much to be able to stand up and properly greet him with a handshake and a hug. Instead, he stooped down, took her hand, and kissed it.

“Well, Billy, you’ve gotten old. What happened to your beautiful hair? It’s gone.”

“Oh, Gloria, you’ve never been one to mince words. You look great—you haven’t changed a bit.”

“Let’s be honest, Billy. I’ve gained about 35 pounds, my cherry blonde hair has turned gray, and my face is full of wrinkles. But I can still spark up a conversation with the best of them.”

“Yes, you’ve always had spunk.”

“And you’ve always had funk, Billy.”

“What do you mean by that, Gloria?”

“Funk, you know—as in odor. Billy, you’ve always had a funky odor.”

Billy chuckled. “Well, you know I don’t use deodorant. Never have. Sometimes my natural, God-given body odor graces us.”

“There’s nothing godly or graceful about it.”

“I do keep myself clean. It’s not a dirty odor—it’s just the natural mix of my body.”

“Well, Billy, it’s coming from your armpits. You need to do something about them, because the odor is foul.”

“Do I smell right now?”

“Well, I don’t smell anything at the moment. Maybe a hint of Irish Spring, which is nice.”

“Bingo! That’s it. I’ve been washing with Irish Spring lately. I use it for special occasions—it does a good job of masking my natural odors.”

The Candy Dish

“Help yourself to some candies, Billy.” Gloria pointed to the candy dish.

“Don’t mind if I do. I’ve always been a big fan of Werther’s hard candies.”

“Yes, they’re tasty little morsels.”

“I see you still have the candy dish I gave you way back in 1950. I remember it well. We were both 18.”

“You gave me that?”

“Yes, it belonged to my mom. It’s Depression-era glass.”

“It’s a beautiful pink,” Gloria responded.

“Yes, pink glass was very popular in the 1930s," Billy commented, "I bet a piece like this can fetch a pretty penny.”

“I’m sure it could.” (Drats. Had I remembered this was from Billy, I would’ve sold it long ago.)

“It’s a lovely piece, Gloria.”

“I have to be honest with you, Billy. All these years, I thought that was a gift from my husband, Rudy.”

“Rudy—I knew him in high school. He and I fought over you.”

Gloria giggled softly.

“Where is he these days?”

“Oh, Rudy? He’s lying in his coffin at Fairhaven Memorial.”

“He died?”

“I suspect that’s what happened.”

“When?”

“2018.”

“I’m sorry to hear this,” Billy said, “Rudy and I never spoke again after he started dating you. We became adversaries. He’s gone now, how about a little kiss?”

“You gave me this dish back in 1950, Billy. It’s held up beautifully. Pity we can’t say the same about your thick wavy head of hair… Scoot along Billy,” Gloria said as she snapped her fingers and pointed at the door, “This date is finished.”

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With Love, RHC ❤️