Job Swap - It Ain't Half Dad's Army

At a British Army base in Deolali, India in 1945 during World War 2.

Several sweat-stained squaddies of the Royal Artillery Concert Party are holding their final rehearsal in their barracks. They are presenting a brand new Hollywood show in the evening.

Bombardier "Solly" Solomons ponders for a second.

Solly: "I wonder what the replacement sergeant will be like"

Gunner 'Gloria' Beaumont replies: "With our luck even worse than Sergeant-Major Williams"

Gunner 'Atlas' Mackintosh, a Scottish gunner disagrees: Naw! Naebody could be worse than old 'Shut up". Ah'm glad fur the break."

Gloria: "Yeah! But it's only for a few short weeks. 'Shut up' will be back before we know it.

Enter the scene Rangi Ram, the Concert Party's Indian bearer.

Rangi: "Gentlemen, gentlemen! He has come, he has come."

Solly: What's that Rangi?"

Rangi: The new Sergeant Sah'b. He is arriving, isn't it."

Solly: "Oh cripes! Right lads. ATTENNNN-SHUN!"

The new replacement Sergeant alights from a rickshaw and stands in front of the men.

Sergeant Wilson: "At ease young fellows. Good morning everyone, how are you all? Now! There really was no need to turn out in your Sunday best just for me you know."

Solly: "We're rehearsing for our new show this evening, Sergeant-Major."

Wilson: "Oh please call me sergeant"

Solly: "Sorry sir, force of habit"

Wilson: But you have a show this evening? How enchanting. My my, you do look wonderful, all of you."

Gloria: "Really!"

Wilson: Oh yes of course, and if I may say so, your dress is particularly delightful. Yes, very pretty indeed."

Gloria: "Oh thank you. It's for my Ginger Rogers number."

Wilson: "Really? Ginger Rogers? Oh, how sweet, how splendid. And where's Fred then?"

Solly: "Fred?"

Wilson: "Yes, you know, Fred Astaire, the dancing chappie."

Solly: "Oh, of course, sorry Sergeant. That's Lofty."

Wilson: "And where is he?"

Solly: "He's behind this big Scotsman"

Lofty: "Hello Sergeant"

Wilson: "Hello, very pleased to meet you. And you're Fred Astaire are you? Lofty indeed. How charming, utterly charming. And you even have a top hat, makes you stretch up a bit. Very good, very good."

Rangi whispers to Bombardier Solomon, "Sah'b! Why he is not shouting at us? Is this a tricky-jokey something?" Solly shrugs his shoulders and whispers back, "I dunno, I'm as flummoxed as you Rangi"

Sergeant Wilson continues: "Well, you carry on lads. On with the show and all that as you theatrical folk would say."

Solly: "So, do you have any orders for us Sergeant?"

Wilson: "Orders? What do you have in mind?"

Solly: "You know, painting the rocks around here, peeling tons of mangoes, cleaning out the grotty khazi. That kind of thing."

Wilson: "Oh goodness me, no! It's much too hot for all that dreary nonsense."

Solly: "Well, Is there anything we can do for you sergeant?"

Wilson: "How kind of you to ask dear boy. Yes, there is one thing if you wouldn't mind terribly."

Solly: "You name it Sergeant"

Wilson: "I'd love to join you this evening if I could."

Solly: "Of course Sergeant, front row seat. Guaranteed!"

Wilson: "Oh no, sorry, you misunderstand me. I do apologise, entirely my fault. I'd like to join you in the show, you know, tread the boards kind of thing."

Gloria: "The show?"

Wilson: "Yes, I thought I could join Lofty here on a duet. I can do a pretty keen Bing Crosby you know. Might be jolly fun."

Solly: "That would be great Sergeant"

Wilson: "How lovely"

Rangi looks to the camera and exclaims "Thank you King George for sending us this wonderful and glorious gift from the west. We British are so happy."

On the same day at Walmington-on-Sea back on the south-east coast of England.

"SHURRRRUPPPP!!!!"

The Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard platoon are lined-up in the local church hall being instructed by their replacement Sergeant-Major.

Private Godfrey: "Oh heavens. Does he really need to shout so loudly?"

Corporal Jones: "I know. I certainly wouldn't let him near my butcher's shop. He'd ruin my brisket from 10 feet with that racket"

Private Fraser: "He's mad, mad! He's got Jungle Fever. He's been in India too long. That's what it is."

SHURRRRUPPPP!!!!"

Battery Sergeant-Major Williams walks along the line of mostly elderly veterans and addresses them in his deep baritone emanating from the depths of the Welsh valleys.

Williams: "Now you lot. I haven't seen such a sorry bunch of layabouts since I left that shower back in India. Mind you, at least none of you is wearing a dress."

Godfrey: "I beg your pardon Sergeant?"

Williams: "Sergeant-Major to you old man. Now! All of you. Stand up straight, chins up and shoulders back"

Private Pike, the only youngster in the platoon, exclaims: "My mum says I shouldn't stress my neck like this. It's sensitive. I might pull something"

Williams: "It's jankers you'll ne pulling me young kiddo. Now, Push those shoulders back. That's an order. Good God, you haven't a decent pair on you. And why is you wearing that stupid scarf? King's Regulations clearly state that other ranks must not wear unauthorised accoutrements and addendums to the uniform"

Fraser: "Not even a dress?"

"SHURRRRUPPPP!!!!"

Godfrey: "Oh dear! I've a dreadful headache coming on"

Williams: " A headache? A headache? That's nothing to what our brave boys are suffering over there in Europe. And if you're not careful I'll have you over there AS FAST AS YOUR LEGS CAN CARRY YOU!"

Jones: "But we're the Home Guard"

Williams: "Home Guard is it? Well, you look like you couldn't guard a bleedin' Wendy House. And anyways, there's no need for you shabby specimens back here in Blighty cos' we is winning the war hands down against the filthy Boche. You isn't doing no good back here."

Enter Platoon Commander Captain Mainwaring.

Mainwaring: "Right men!, Action stations! We've had an alert. Possible Nazi infiltration down at Waterlily Cove.

Pike: "See!" he says looking at the Sergeant-Major, "You spoke too soon"

"SHURRRRUPPPP!!!!"

Mainwaring: "That's the spirit Sergeant-Major Williams. You've come at just the right time. Show them what a Warrant Officer is really all about. Now, get the men ready"

Williams: "All right you weak-kneed, worn-out warriors! Get you guns and plenty of ammo. Helmets and bayonets on. Form a line and get the truck ready. This could be the big one. There may be casualties. But remember, whatever you do. DON'T PANIC!

Jones: "Hey! That's my line"

"SHURRRRUPPPP!!!!"

Fraser: "Oh, we're doomed, I tell ye, we're doomed, doomed!!