Supermarket Parking Tickets and Fines

Giant Supermarket chain ASBO has begun penalising shoppers found abusing priority parking spaces at a north-west London store.

Drivers who park in disabled bays without displaying a blue badge may be fined £60, as could people wrongly using parent and child spaces.

Special parking wardens began enforcing the scheme ahead of its England-wide roll out.

Anyone caught parking in a space they are not entitled to will be asked to move and those who refuse or seriously abuse the system will be fined.

Taking ASBO's lead, other supermarkets have been following these new extra-judicial policies.

MURRISON's have introduced a speed limit and one-way system in their aisles to reduce outbreaks of 'trolley rage'.

Things came to a head last month when a fight broke out over a crusty baguette resulting in a man being hospitalised after being concussed by a tin of butter beans.

Any breaches of the new rule will result in £10 on-the-spot fines and deduction of store-card points.

Tougher sanctions

A BAINSBURY store in Nottingham has experienced particular problems with school children at lunch-time including reckless skateboarding and chewing gum deposits being left on vegetable produce. The Store Manager felt it was time to take affirmative action

"It was getting ridiculous, every day they would be coming in switching price tags, wolf-whistling old ladies and doing rude things in the poultry department"

Last week two 14 year old hooligans were sent to the new custom-built Borstal set up by a consortium of the retail industry. So far their parents have been unable to find them and won't be given directions until they swap their loyalty cards.

At TASCO special measures have also been introduced nationally, including strip-searches of suspicious shoppers and random breath tests for those exiting the 'Beer, Wine and Spirits' section. They also have temporary holding cells modelled on Guantanamo Bay where they can detain people for up to 14 days.

The 'shoot to kill' policy at COSTLO in Birmingham has been remarkably effective as there has been a 90% drop in shoplifting since its introduction. Senior Security Guard Jason Nutbar explained

"There are clear rules of engagement posted at the front door, so they know the risk. Two shots to the torso and they go down. We use a 24-hour body-retrieval and cleaning squad to minimise disturbance. We don't want to spoil the happy shopping experience for our valued customers. We even use silencers to prevent any panic"

This rather radical policy may be rolled out nationally.

An international incident

But certainly the most bizarre incident occurred at the German-owned LEDL store in Inverness. The Manager decided to declare the store as German sovereign territory, in the manner of a foreign Embassy.

Despite the inconvenience of passport control and X-Ray machines customers flocked to the premises when they found out it had a European style 24-hour liquor license. It also had legalised prostitution, including 2 for 1 offers on a Monday night.

However this was too much for the sensibilities of the local council who held an emergency meeting. Initially they appeared hamstrung by international law.

But then one official pointed out that the town of North Berwick was technically still at war with Germany. This stroke of inspiration provided just the breakthrough the councillors needed.

After frantic phone calls and negotiations a team from the North Berwick Licensing Board was dispatched to the Highlands and after a 12 hour siege they stormed the supermarket.

Casualties were light and after intervention from 10 Downing Street and the Federal Government in Berlin the Store Manager Archie McTickler signed an Armistice at the fish counter.

Peace and harmony was restored.

Rule Britannia and God Save the Queen.