How To Shop

Read the bottom disclaimer, please.

By Snarky LisaPublished about a month ago • 3 min read

Ah, shopping. Vital to life as we know it, yet often taken for granted, it is more than just an act of mundanity. It is an art form — despite how the average person on this planet tends to treat it.

There are so many brilliant ways to do it, or so people on Earth tend to claim. However: what is truly the proper way to shop? Online? In-person? And if in-person, where? In the mall? At a major supermarket? Touring some mini-outlets near one’s home?

This article will go over just how one should shop for their belongings — be it on the Internet or in a physical store. Please note that, unlike several of my previous articles, this fancy schmancy how-to guide is 100 percent guaranteed to work.

I’m the ultimate shopping expert in the world, after all, even though I haven’t visited even half the hundred-something countries on our planet. I’ve been to every shopping outlet, every supermarket, and every mall that actually matters. These critical facts are vital details which mean I am always right no matter what.

With all of that being said — let’s get into things.

Mindlessly Spend

The most important thing about shopping is mindlessly spending one’s money. It’s what shopping’s essence is, after all: sacrificing your hard (or soft-earned, perhaps) money for material goods you may or may not need in the long run!

What does this truly entail? For starters, you could bring all the cash you have stored in your home, your car if you have one, and anywhere else you have chosen to store it to go out shopping.

Sure, it might be a lot to carry, and you could end up losing it due to it slipping from where you’re carrying it. Alternatively, you may not have a lot of coins and bills — and losing them could send you into some serious debt and/or other financial troubles in general. But honestly: who cares?

You know what actually matters in this world more than money? Things you can actually use! What could you possibly do with money aside from spending it? Window shopping?

Forego Cybersecurity

Cybersecurity. Isn’t it just a thorn in the side of your shoulder? It’s a pesky concept that just begs you to do a ton of nastily inconvenient stuff in the name of Internet self-defense, that, if I’m going to be real, is absolutely useless and unnecessary.

Passwords? Who needs those? URL checking? Pfffffffffft. And don’t get me started on *gasp*: being “sensible” with your financial information and not giving it to random texters who are totally representatives of that online delivery service you just ordered from.

Life’s too short to be cynical. If you constantly worry about every little detail to ensure your safety and security, you’ll never get to live your life to the fullest. So, this Black Friday (or just Friday, if you’re outside of North America): forget about your fears!

Be A Rude Customer

So you’ve splurged online and/or offline already, and you still haven’t fully met your oh-so-critical shopping needs. Guess what? You can take your misery out on your fellow customers as well! Yay!

Cut that long lineup of 30–40 people. Knock a bunch of cereal boxes off the shelf at your local grocery store. Record a loud, annoying, staged video in public that will almost certainly disrupt the service quality of just about everyone in your vicinity. You’ll censor their faces out later. Who cares about their well-being in the moment?

Might you feel regretful afterwards? Perhaps? But you gotta make mistakes before you can learn from them!

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Any other thoughts on this lovely, wonderful guide? Let me know in the comments!

*This article is satire. Please do not take it seriously.