How To Lose Weight

This article is satire. I am sincerely begging you to avoid taking it seriously. Please don’t hurt yourself.

By Snarky LisaPublished 3 months ago • 3 min read

Ah, losing weight. The true meaning of life and of authentic existence, losing weight is an art which has been achieved by both few and many over the years of humanity. Despite its longevity, it is rather complex.

On one hand, you’ve got the fact that one is simply removing an excess upon losing weight. One doesn’t have to take much net extra overall to do so. On the other…temptation to gain can be very alluring. It’s no wonder why plenty of people have failed throughout history.

With that being said, how does one actually lose a significant amount of weight? Well, this article will tell you exactly what you need to do. As long as you follow each and every guideline outlined in this piece to the letter, you are guaranteed to lose at least a few pounds at some point in your lifetime. Please ignore my lack of actual medical credentials!

Don’t Eat

By “don’t eat,” I sincerely mean just that. Do not, under any sorts of circumstances, take in solid food of any kind.

I don’t just mean banal junk food like potato chips and sweets such as chocolate chip cookies or candy. I’m talking about all types of non-liquid foods. Beef steak, sandwiches, salads, fruit mixes; you name it. Every kind of food contains calories. Those are what make you gain weight. Isn’t that what you’re trying to avoid?

You might be wondering why I’m not bringing up fluids (soda, coffee, etc.) as much here. After all, they do also have calories. However, there’s a reason for that. You see, they tend to be lighter and easier to expel than solids. Without all those chunks taking up your stomach mass, you will be less heavy and bloated. In turn, this will totally make you skinnier!

Replace Food With Drugs

Ok, so you’re now on a pure liquid diet. But oh no — you’re craving the delights of feeling solid foods in your oral cavities again! What the ever shall you do? Drugs, of course.

When I am talking about drugs, I’m not just talking about cute and innocent vitamins which many average people take as well — although, if I’m going to be blunt, you’ll need to overdose on them once your liquid diet starts to feel inadequate. Honest to God, I mean chemical drugs with actual effects on the body beyond the nourishment of nutrients.

Now, you’ve probably been told all your life that either A: drugs are baaaaaad or B: only ever take them when you’re ill. Guess what? The act of not losing weight is an illness. It is a disease which plagues far too much of humanity, and it is one you must be cured of as soon as remotely possible.

So try out mind-and/or-body-altering drugs today, whether you officially need them or not! If any nasty side effects like nausea, vomiting, or an outright temporary loss of consciousness occur, just ignore them. They are the unfortunate mild price one must pay to lose, well, weight.

Have Fun

The most important thing of all when losing weight, though, is to have fun while doing it!

Once you get to this point in your weight loss regimen assigned by Me™, you might start to feel miserable. This will almost certainly be mentally and not physically for the most part (barring the exceptions I’ve mentioned already) — unless you haven’t been following my instructions, that is.

Here’s what you have to think about during this whole weight loss thing. By the time you’re done, you will have lost weight. This is, inherently, good and wholesome in itself. Embrace it.

Life’s too short to mope. Why waste it?

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Congrats! You are now ready to begin my wonderful and amazing weight loss regimen!

Any other thoughts on this? Let me know in the comments!