"Digging Into" the White House East Wing Demolition

While conspiracy theorists obsess over the Epstein files, they are missing real pay dirt—the East Wing of the White House, currently being torn up to make way for Trump's 650-seat ballroom. Eagle eyed demolition workers are on the lookout for what (or who) they might find in the wreckage.

It all starts with Theodore Roosevelt.

Teddy Roosevelt slapped together the beginnings of the East Wing in 1902 as a “reception space” for guests. Whispers from the time suggested ulterior motives. When Teddy famously said “speak softly and carry a big stick”, whoever found themselves at the end of that stick might have later found themselves under the East Wing.

Succeeding presidents also had sudden, inexplicable reasons for needing East Wing expansions hastily constructed.

For clues on who might lie within its hallowed wall-spaces and floor slabs, it helps to study what the Presidents had to say about rivals:

Theodore Roosevelt (1901–1909)

• “A beefy, red-faced, thick-necked financial bully, drunk with wealth and power,” is what Teddy's had to say about J.P. Morgan, clashing over antitrust legislation laws.
• “A fat old fossil” — describing Mark Hanna, a Republican senator who opposed TR's progressive reforms and pushed him into the vice presidency to sideline him.
• “A Byzantine logothete… with an elasticity of conscience and verbal exactitude!” — on Woodrow Wilson, criticizing his academic moralizing during WWI debates.

William Howard Taft (1909–1913)

• “A muckraking zealot who'd rather hug a tree than govern!” - describing Gifford Pinchot, a conservationist fired by Taft in the Ballinger-Pinchot affair over land policy disputes.
• “A dangerous egotist… more ambitious than Napoleon” - on Theodore Roosevelt, who split with his progressive policies, leading to TR's 1912 Bull Moose campaign.

Woodrow Wilson (1913–1921)

• “A degenerate bastard masquerading as a statesman”—regarding Henry Cabot Lodge, who blocked Wilson's League of Nations treaty.
• “A loudmouthed jingoist who'd rather fight than think”—on Theodore Roosevelt, who opposed Wilson's neutrality and later his Fourteen Points.

Warren G. Harding (1921–1923)

• “A windbag with a silver tongue and a wooden brain” - of William Jennings Bryan, a Democratic populist who mocked Harding's “return to normalcy” during his 1920 Presidential campaign.
• “A traitor who'd sell America to the Bolsheviks” - on Eugene V. Debs, a Socialist leader jailed for anti-war activism under Harding's wartime sedition laws.

Calvin Coolidge (1923–1929)

• “A farmer's fool who thinks money grows on cornstalks” - describing Senator Charles McNary who pushed farm aid bills Coolidge vetoed.
• “A meddling idealist who'd bankrupt us for a bushel of wheat” - on Henry Cantwell Wallace, Agriculture Secretary, clashing over farmer relief policies. 

Herbert Hoover (1929–1933)

• “A chameleon on plaid, promising everything to everyone” - on Franklin D. Roosevelt, who blamed Hoover for the Great Depression.
• “A Tammany drunkard who'd turn the White House into a saloon” - on Al Smith, a former Democratic nominee who criticized Hoover's economic inaction.

Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933–1945)

• “A demagogue with a microphone, preaching hate in a cassock” - regarding Father Charles Coughlin who called FDR a “scab president” for New Deal policies.
• “A dangerous upstart, half Mussolini, half Robin Hood” - on Huey Long, a populist Louisiana senator who threatened a 1936 run.

Harry S. Truman (1945–1953)

• “A skunk who sprays lies and calls it patriotism” - on Joseph McCarthy, who accused Truman's administration of communist ties.
• “A prima donna who'd rather salute himself than the Constitution” - on Douglas MacArthur, fired for insubordination during the Korean War.

Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953–1961)

• “A reckless bully who'd burn the house down to catch a rat” -  describing Senator Joseph McCarthy, opposing his red-baiting tactics.
• “A crackpot with a mimeograph, dreaming up conspiracies” - on John Birch Society founder Robert Welch, who called Ike a communist agent.

John F. Kennedy (1961–1963)

• “A slippery eel who'd sell his soul for a vote” - regarding Richard Nixon, JFK's rival in a bitter election. 
• “A power-hungry gnome hoarding secrets in a vault” - on FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover, who spied on JFK's administration.

Lyndon B. Johnson (1963–1969)

• “A sanctimonious little prince who'd stab me in the back” - on Senator Robert F. Kennedy feuding over Vietnam and 1968 primaries.
• “A poetaster playing revolutionary with other people's lives” - on Senator Eugene McCarthy, an anti-war candidate who challenged LBJ.

Richard Nixon (1969–1974)

• “A traitor who'd sell national secrets for a byline” - on Daniel Ellsberg, who exposed Vietnam War secrets.
• “A rabble-rouser stirring up hippies and malcontents” - on Allard Lowenstein, an Anti-war activist who organized “Dump Nixon” campaigns.

Gerald Ford (1974–1977)

• “A Hollywood cowboy who thinks governing is a script” -  on Ronald Reagan, who challenged Ford in the Republican 1976 primaries.

Jimmy Carter (1977–1981)

• “A silver-spooned liberal who'd sink the party for his ego” -  on Senator Ted Kennedy, who challenged Carter in 1980 Democratic primaries.

Ronald Reagan (1981–1989)

• “A big-spending Irishman who'd tax the air we breathe” - on House Speaker Tip O'Neill clashing on economic policy.

George H.W. Bush (1989–1993)

• “A slick-talking draft-dodger with no principles” - on Bill Clinton who ousted Bush with economic critiques in the 1992 election.

Bill Clinton (1993–2001)

• “A puritanical zealot with a vendetta for headlines” - on Ken Starr who led an impeachment probe.
• “A bomb-throwing ideologue who'd shut down the government for applause” - on House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who drove the GOP opposition in the 1995 shutdown.

George W. Bush (2001–2009)

• “A flip-flopping elitist who'd salute the French flag” - on John Kerry, who criticized the Iraq War.

Barack Obama (2009–2017)

• “A corporate vulture who'd outsource America to China” - on Mitt Romney, who challenged Obama's economic record in the 2012 campaign.
• “Kanye West is a jackass” - on Kanye West, leaked in an off-air rant amid West's Taylor Swift interruption

Donald Trump (2017–2021, 2025–present)

• “Crazy Nancy, a nervous wreck who's bad for America!” - on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who led impeachment efforts.
• “I like people who weren't captured” - on John McCain, targeting McCain's Vietnam POW status.
• “Maybe he's looking up [from hell]” - on late congressman John Dingell to his widow, 10 months after his death.

Joe Biden (2021–2025)

• “A conman who'd sell the White House for a golf course” - on Donald Trump in a bitter conflict over election integrity in the 2020 election.
• “Jackie, are you here? Where's Jackie?” - on Congresswoman Jackie Walorski, who had died in a car accident two weeks prior.

“We're building big and beautiful right behind here,” 

Donald Trump reportedly said, salivating over the construction of his great beautiful ballroom, watching as a shovel truck ripped 123 years of history out of the East Wing, while he waved at the crumbling facade like it owed him money.

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The content presented is a satirical work of fiction and should not be interpreted as factual. Any references to real individuals, locations, or events, including the alleged demolition of the White House East Wing for a 650-seat ballroom, are coincidental and intended solely for humorous effect. This material does not reflect the views or endorsement of its author. Readers are advised to approach it as entertainment.