Better to Be Short and Good-Looking Than Tall and Ugly

Last week, I wrote a poem for Ellie Hoov's Wonderland Challenge Day 4 :

One of the creators, who was kind enough to read the poem and make a comment (Susan Fourtané), asked about the background of the poem. I explained it was originally a song I wrote years ago, but I would expand on it into a story. Here it is.

******

A long time ago in Uga Buga land an island at the southern tip of Africa, there was a tribe of pygmy warriors. They were called the Fuckawis.

They were fierce fighters and known for their skill with a poisonous dart gun. The trouble was, their lack of height severely hampered them. They only stood about three feet tall.

The grass in this part of Africa grew at least four feet tall. Good for hiding, but not great for hunting or attacking rival tribes since they couldn't see where they were going. They would stop every so often. One warrior would climb onto another's shoulders and shout, “We’re the Fuck-awi?”

They had heard of a neighboring tribe called the Faguchis, who had a queen who was eight feet tall. The chief thought that if they captured the queen and took her to Uga Buga, he could have taller children. This would help make their tribe taller.

The warriors buzzed with excitement as they prepared to fight the Faguchis. They made many darts for their blowguns and readied themselves for their trip.

They had heard that the Faguchis took great pride in their queen, who was renowned for her beauty. The Faguchis, on the other hand, were not regarded as fierce warriors because they were not very smart. Some said that they were even scared of their shadows.

If not for their king, who was rough and very mean, the tribe might have become extinct. He had become blind several years ago. He was preoccupied with the size of his feet, a whopping size 26, when he walked into a tree branch. The branches poked into his eyes and made him blind.

They left their wives and kids behind. Then, they climbed into their dugout canoes. They paddled all night, using the moon to find their way to the island of the Faguchis. They planned to invade the Faguchi camp as soon as the sun rose, taking them all by surprise and taking their queen.

They hoped they had enough men to carry the queen if she were that tall. They also brought a special, extra-long boat for her.

All night they paddled their canoes to the rhythmic whispers: “Ranga copi - row, ranga copi - row.”

As the sun rose, they crept to the campsite. They prepared their blowguns to attack. The chief, standing on the shoulders of two warriors, gave the signal to attack.

“Humba, humba, take away your queen!” they shouted while shooting darts at the legs of the Faguchi warriors. They were so tall they figured that crippling them with darts to the legs was the best approach. Each dart was dipped in the venom of the brown-spotted, yellow-bellied sleeping frog. The venom was so potent that it immediately turned the Faguchi warrior’s legs to jelly, and they could not walk.

“Humba, humba, take away your queen,” they continued to yell as they edged deeper into the camp.

"Waga-nacka (what the hell!), you can't take our Queen!" they shouted. The exchange was turning into a battle of words more than anything else.

The Faguchi’s were falling like flies. Several of the warriors saw that the tallest, ugliest woman emerge from one of the tents. Quickly grabbing the attention of the chief, who was almost blue in the face from blowing so many darts. He also caught sight of the queen.

He sounded the retreat, and the Fuckawi’s headed back to their boats, screaming:

“Humba, humba, you can keep your queen.”

They dart around like tiny mice on the ground. The Faguchi warriors tried to chase them, but they kept falling over from the darts.

As they arrived back at their island, the chief announced:

“Better to be short and good-looking than tall and ugly.”

Till next time,

Calvin