Snakes and Ladders, All I Wanted Was to Paint the Window

"Damn, I hate this salt air,” John exclaimed.

He pulled out his extension ladder from the garage. It was time to touch up the second-story windows to the en suite.

It wasn’t so much that he hated doing it; exactly the opposite. He enjoyed doing handyman jobs. There was always that immense gratification of looking at a job when finished.

No, it was more that he realized at sixty-eight he should not be up and down ladders. He always got a little tentative when he had to get on the roof. He knew the one-meter overhang wasn't very wide. If he lost focus, a fall could break his bones.

Today, he was particularly tentative, having not had his arm out of plaster after a break.

“She’ll be right,” he mumbled in a typical Aussie way.

He checked his bucket to ensure he had everything. He did not want to get up there and find that he had not gotten the tools he needed. He figured that if he cleaned up the paintwork first, then he could come down, have a coffee, and get back up to paint it.

Off he went, setting the ladder at a precise 45-degree angle from the roof. He tested it to make sure it was stable. It was not. He adjusted the legs to try to find even ground that would be more stable.

"O.K, that seems to be fine now.”

He climbed the ladder, taking one rung at a time, and placed his bucket full of tools on the roof. He moved it when he realized he had put it right where his first foot should go. “Dumb bastard,” he chastised himself and raised himself off the ladder onto the roof.

He shimmied along the ledge to the window. He couldn’t help but notice that the gutters were full of spider’s webs. It had been five months since there had been rain, so no water had been in the gutters. He stupidly looked over the edge into the gutter.

Yep, big black hairy buggers!

Funnel webs probably from the shape of the webs. At least they are not redbacks, he thought.

“I’ll fix you. When I come back up, I will bring the insect spray and drown you, bastard.” He hated spiders, and he hated snakes as well. He started thinking about which one he hated the most when he suddenly wanted to go for a wee.

“Damn, bloody prostate, doesn’t give me a minute’s peace. Now I have to go back down. It is no use trying to hold on. While I am there, I will get the spray and deal with you, my little friends. I’ll bring the hose up and flush you down the gutter, hopefully straight to hell,” he mocked the spies.

Down he came.

He got back onto the roof, armed with the insect spray. He hooked the hose around the ladder's end so it would not slide off the roof. He went to the roof's far end and started spraying the spiders.

They certainly didn’t like that!

Then, he noticed something in the gutter a few feet away from him. What the hell? There is a big bit of rope or something in the gutter. I had better get that or else it will block the gutter and I will be in all sorts of trouble when it does rain. As he straightened up to move to pick it up. I moved!

“Holy hell, it’s a friggin’ snake!”

"How the hell did that get up here?"

More importantly, what am I going to do, he thought?

It was now between him and the ladder. He grabbed the hose hoping that if it kept moving toward him, he could try to send it the other way with a spray of water. As he yanked the hose to get more leverage, he forgot he had wrapped the end around the ladder.

Crash!! Down went the ladder.

“It's a good job I went for a wee when I did; otherwise, I would be wetting my pants right now.”

Stuck on this narrow roof with no ladder to get down and this four-foot snake is coming towards me.

I don’t have a lot of room to retreat, but I'll try that first. I might be able to hang over the edge at the other end and then drop to the ground. There will be damage, he thought. But at least I’ll be on the ground with a broken bone instead of up here with a snake bite.

As he turned to plan his next move, the snake slithered along the gutter. It flicked its tongue in and out.

He hit it with a burst of water. Then another and another. The snake stopped. There was no retreat, but at least he was not still coming for him.

He turned around again and headed for the roof's edge, but an army of spiders cut him off. So much for the insect spray. All that had done was piss them off.

“Great, now the snake and the spiders will bite me.” I am just going to have to jump and take my chances.”

If I take the hose and jam the spray attachment into the gutter, it might hold me long enough to lower myself far enough to drop to the ground. At least it will decrease the distance I have to fall.

I have to move quickly, or that snake will get me anyway.

Now or never!

He grabbed the hose and moved to the edge.

“Ugggh!”

He woke up to his dog staring at him. She looked confused, wondering why he was strangling her tail!

“Good girl, sorry.”

Till next time,

Calvin

[Author's note: Submitted for the Absurdist Awakening Challenge: