A collection of Dad Scenarios

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A collection of Dad Scenarios

Things that have actually happed to me as a dad

(before the divorce)

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A Dad Scenario 1

Getting Ready to go camping!

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Me:

<To both kids>

“Have you both packed?”

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Both Kids:

“Yes, Dad!”

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Me:

“Right for this trip,”

“As usual”

“I am going to nickname you both.”

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<Pointing at the younger daughter and older son each in turn>

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“You are going to be 'Emergency Rations 1”

“While you will be 'Emergency Ration’s 2”

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Wife:

“I have told you!”

“You are not allowed to call the kids that!”

“It is inappropriate”

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Me:

“Sorry I forgot”

“Change of plan”

“No nicknames this trip!”

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Younger Daughter:

“Dad?”

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Me:

“Yes, love?”

“Be quick!

“We have to get going!

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Younger Daughter:

“Why is that inappropriate?”

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Me:

“I’m not entirely sure love”

“You will have to ask,”

“Emergency Rations 3'!”

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Older Son:

<Burst out laughing>

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Wife:

<Gives the Me an evil look of doom!>

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A Dad Scenario 2

Seeing a Daughters Dragon Drawing!

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Very Young Daughter:

“Dad?”

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ME:

“Yes, love?”

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Very Young Daughter:

“Do you want to see my drawing of a dragon?”

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ME:

“Yes, love!”

<Looks at her picture.>

“What sort of dragon is it?”

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Very Young Daughter:

“She's the Dragon Queen!”

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ME:

“Yes, love!”

<Looking at her picture.>

“But what sort of dragons is she Queen of?”

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Very Young Daughter:

“All of them!”

“She is the Dragon Queen!”

“She is the Queen of ALL dragons!”

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ME:

“Cool!”

<Keeps looking at her dragon picture.>

“What powers does she have?”

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Very Young Daughter:

“All of them!”

“She 'IS' The Dragon Queen!”

“She has the powers of every Dragon!”

“She has the same powers of ALL dragons EVERYWHERE!”

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ME:

“Cool!”

<Starring at her dragon picture.>

“All dragons?

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Very Young Daughter:

“All Dragons!”

“Even, the ‘Made Up’ ones!"

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DAD SCENARIO 3

A Lovely Catholic Christmas Family Song!

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Scene :

Christmas time.

A grandmother’s family home.

Italian Roman Catholic heritage on one side

Irish Catholic Heritage on the other

It is a grandparent’s home there are plenty of crosses and Mary statues around as well as one or two pictures on the current pope

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The children are all showing off all the lovely carols they have learned at Sacred Heart Catholic Faith School.

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Very young son:

“Dad Can I have a go now please”

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Wife :

“Sure love, it is your turn now.”

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< My bright-eyed little boy stands tall and proud and burst into glowing Christian song! >

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Very young son:

”Seems like all I can see was the squiggle”

“Hunted by ghosts that lived in my past”

“Bound up in shackles of all my failures”

“Wondering how long is this gonna last”

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< All the grandparents are beaming with pride,>

<Some of the words are wrong but no one cares, He is only a young child trying his best,>

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Very young son :

“Then You look at this pissner and say to me ‘son Stop fighting a fight that's already been won.”

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<Obviously, We ignore the minor error, it’s kind of cute>

<My son's confidence grows and he raises the volume In the sort of tuneless way only a little boy that young can!>

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Very young son:

“I AM DEMON, YOU SET ME FREE”

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< I and two other dads do a literal full-on sprayed spit take!>

< I never thought those happened in real life!>

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Very young son:

“So I'll shake off theses heavy chains”

“And wipe away every stain now I'm not who I used to be”

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<My son's confidence grows again! He raises the volume In the sort of tuneless way only a little boy that young can to the last crescendo!>

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<The grandparent can only look on in horror>

<I am in literal dire pain with trying not to bust,>

<while thinking ‘Best Christmas ever!’>

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Very young son:

“I AM DEMON!”

“I AM DEMON!”

<His little face lighting up, mistaking my tears of dire laughter as glowing praise>

<I am have just about recovered myself,>

<it could not possibly get any better than that>

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Very young <and now very enthusiastic and excited> son:

“Can I do it again!”

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Wife :

“Maybe later dear”

<While at the same time jerking her elbow back into my ribs harder than she ever has before!>...-

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Very young son :

“BUT, Everyone else got to do two?!”

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-...< She’s too late though,>

< I am howling my head off and struggling to breathe while the rest of the family look on in disapproving horror at me! >

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A Dad Scenario 4

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Family Priorities!

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DAD:

“What are you all doing?”

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10-Year-Old Daughter:

“Me and Mummy are looking up ‘Warrior Cat’ Books on Amazon for my birthday.”

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DAD:

“Cool,”

“It will be nice to have some emergency toilet paper if we need it.”

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10-Year-Old Daughter:

“DADDY!”

<Her eyes narrow…>

“I WILL slit your throat!”

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MUM:

“EXCUSE ME!"

"You two!"

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DAD AND 10-Year-Old Daughter: <in unison>

“What?”

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MUM

“We DO NOT joke about things like that IN ‘THIS’ family…!”

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<…Slight pause…>

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<…MUM looks at DAD…>

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MUM:

“We NEVER EVER joke about harming…”

“…. Books!”

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A Dad Scenario 5

COMING OUT.

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ME:

<On world of Warcraft>

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DAUGHTER:

“Dad, I need to talk to you”

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ME;

<Breaking out of PUG raid>

“Ok What is it?”

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DAUGHTER:

“Dad I think I’m gay”

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<pause>

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Me:

“Can I ask you a question?”

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Daughter:

“Ok”

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ME:

“Do you like the 1986's film ‘'Howard the Duck'?”

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DAUGHTER:

“No”

“No of course not!”

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ME;

“Well If you did love the 1986's film ‘'Howard the Duck” I’d still love you anyway,”

“But I would cry about it, for you, in private”

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DAUGHTER:

<looking puzzled>

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ME:

“As for being gay”

<I grin>

“I don’t give a dam”

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