18 Ways JD Vance Might Have Whacked the Pope

VATICAN CITY — In an unexpected plot twist, Pope Francis passed away just hours after meeting hillbilly whisperer JD Vance. 

While the official cause of death remains under investigation, Vatican super-detective Amelia Rupp reveals the 18 ways JD Vance may have pulled off the murder of the century.

Please drop your opinion on which was most likely below.

JD Vance Handed the Pope Project 2025 — And Its Heft Immediately Killed Him

JD Vance presented Pope Francis with a freshly printed copy of Project 2025, a Heritage Foundation manifesto. The pontiff made the sign of the cross in reverse then collapsed within seconds.

Eyewitnesses say the Pope's last words were, “This is just The Handmaid's Tale with tax cuts”.

After the Pope's death, the Vatican declared Project 2025 a “spiritual hazard” and moved it into a vault next to the jewel-encrusted gold cross Pius XII received from Adolf Hitler in 1940.

(Pope Pius XII's famously remained neutral during the Holocaust, saying 'there's two sides to every story')

Overwhelmed the Pope with Rust Belt Wisdom

One source said the Pope clutched his chest after Vance spent 45 minutes explaining how “the elites don't understand the working man” while urging the Pope to eat from an opened can of Chef Boyardee. 

“JD kept saying, 'But have you considered the decline of Appalachian values?' and then the Holy Father just… collapsed.”

Included the Pope in a Signal Chat With Pete Hegseth

Vance, upon discovering the Pope in a Signal Chat with Pete Hegseth replying with 🙏 emojis, flew into a rage about operational security and how God didn't text in emojis.

Asked the Vatican to Pay Its Fair Share for the Ukraine War

In a move that some political analysts are calling “2D Chess,” Vance reportedly cornered a Vatican treasurer and demanded the Holy See “stop freeloading” and contribute military aid to Ukraine.

Vance, citing the Vatican's “massive real estate portfolio” (St. Peter's Basilica is “basically a luxury Airbnb”), argued that selling a single Renaissance tapestry could buy enough Javelin missiles to “transform the Dnieper into a no-drive zone for Russian tanks.”

After being politely escorted out by alarmed Swiss Guards, Vance tweeted, “The Vatican hasn't paid for a war since the 1500s.” 

Historians note this is technically accurate - the last papal army was disbanded after losing a battle to food poisoning during the War of the League of Cognac.

DOGE Coming to Rome

JD Vance snuck Elon Musk onto the tour, who awkwardly announced the expansion of his Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) into the Vatican, promising to “streamline salvation” and “eliminate 90% of Catholic bureaucracy by 2026.”

St. Peter's Basilica will be rebranded as a “multi-faith content moderation hub” with a $8/month “SacraBlue” verification badges for online saints. Confessionals will accept Dogecoin.

Pope Francis would be given “Performance Metrics” and need to hit daily engagement KPIs or face demotion.

Pope Francis crossed himself, began a prayer, “Our father who art in orbit…” and left the planet.

EWTN (Eternal Word Television Network)

JD Vance threatened to sanction EWTN, the U.S.-based Catholic network that collaborates with Vatican Media, unless The Vatican eliminated its Woke Propaganda about Mary giving birth without a biological male.

When the Pope countered by showing Vance his latest PopeTok dance video featuring DEI performers, JD went into a murderous rage.

Shut Down Visa and MasterCard payments at Vatican Vending Machines

When the Pope didn't give in to JD's demands to reinstate the traditional Latin Mass, JD used the powers of the US treasury to shut down Visa, MasterCard, and Venmo transactions within the Vatican City.

That evening, eating pizza without his usual vending machine Orange Fanta, the Pope choked on his peperoni.

Crushed Him with an Edition of Hillbilly Elegy

Security footage shows Vance gifting the Pope a signed copy of his memoir.

When Francis attempted to lift the 900-page “director's cut edition,” he groaned, “Mama mia, this is heavier than the sins of the world,” and toppled over.

Said the Trump Offer for Greenland Was Actually Intended for the Sistine Chapel

When Vance mentioned that Trump wanted to buy the Sistine chapel and redecorate Michelangelo's ceiling with gold-plated HVAC ducts, the Pope left this world before watching what Trump would do to this famous room's decor:

A real photo from their visit. The Sistine Chapel is more their style than a glacier in Greenland, isn't it?

Accidentally Sold Him Fentanyl-Linked Painkillers

Elected politicians are always on the make for “off-the-books” campaign funding, and what better opportunity than a man hoarding the world's largest stash of gold antiques that have never been publicly audited.

When the Pope mentioned “his back was killing him”, JD Vance replied “I have something for that” and a quick transaction was made. Unfortunately, the Oxycodone was from West Virginia.

The Vatileaks Scandal  - in 2012,  Pope Benedict XVI's butler, Paolo Gabriele, leaked documents exposing corruption, cronyism, and financial mismanagement.

Simply Being Too JD Vance

JD instantly rendered the pontiff into dust. Forensic theologians are now examining whether the senator's mere Ohio-ness constituted a lethal threat.

Subjected Him to a TED Talk on Traditional Values

Eyewitnesses say the Pope's eyes glazed over as Vance launched into a 90-minute monologue about “how gay marriage ruined the steel industry.” 

At the end, Francis was mouthing “libera me, Domine” when his soul departed.

Dueling Guitars

JD Vance requested the Vatican play The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down after the Easter Sunday ceremony. The Pope insisted on the Joan Baez version while JD argued forcefully for The Band's rendition.

The Pope's rebel stand cost him his life.

Gave Him a Firm, Midwestern Handshake (That Never Ended)

The Pope's frail fingers were no match for Vance's 17-second, bone-crushing grip — a classic Midwestern power move. By the time he was released, Francis' arm was as atrophied as a decade old communion wafer.

Suggested the Church Invest in Peter Thiel's New Cryptocurrency 

“Your Holiness, imagine if the Vatican mined the blockchain,” Vance whispered. 

The Pope, realizing Trump's right-hand man was working for Satan, immediately requested the Rapture.

Baptized Him in American Populism

Vance dunked the Pope into a vat of “anti-elite sentiment” (revealed to be a mix of Mountain Dew and diesel fuel). 

Francis emerged a changed man -  one as completely embalmed as a West Virginia Walmart shopper at midnight.

Convinced Him to Go Hunting 

The last words the Pope heard were, “C'mon, Holy Father, we're going squirrel hunting,” before Vance allegedly handed him a shotgun and a Monster Energy drink. 

The rest is history.

A Fight Over Magic, The Gathering 

In the Vatican's library, Pope Francis and JD Vance made the decision to resolve their public feud with a game of Magic: The Gathering. 

The Pope's cards methodically countered Vance's aggressive strategy with well planned eliminations and board wipes. Their contrasting styles mirrored their real-world philosophies - Vance's relentless assault met the Pope's calculated defense. The altercation ended in a humiliating defeat for JD, whose fate was “written in the cards” Pope Francis quipped.

Viewers of Netflix series should know what happens when a marginalized character is publicly humiliated.

Pope Poured Holy Water on JD

The Pope, in a papal attempt to expel JD's demons, doused him in holy water. 

JD Vance spontaneously ignited scorching The Pope while remaining unharmed by the flames.🔥 

Poisoned The Pope With A Gift From Home

JD Vance gave the Pope a tub of near expired hummus from Walmart. 

JD Vance's Clean-Shaven Photo Proved Fatal

In what Vatican officials are calling “a crime scene,” JD Vance made the mistake of showing Pope Francis a pre-beard photo of himself - and the shock was too much for the Holy Father to bear.

The Pope gasped, “You look like a youth group leader” before clutching his chest and catastrophically collapsing onto a pile of papal encyclicals.

🙏🙏🙏

DISCLAIMER: 18 Ways JD Vance Might Have Whacked the Pope is a work of satire so absurd it would make a Renaissance pope blush. No actual pontiffs, politicians, or Magic: The Gathering decks were harmed in the making of this conspiracy theory fever dream. The Vatican has not (yet) declared Project 2025 a "spiritual hazard," Elon Musk does not (yet) sell SacraBlue subscriptions, and JD Vance’s beard remains a matter of national security. Any resemblance to reality is either a cosmic joke or proof we’ve all been trapped in a bad AI fanfic. Reader discretion is advised—especially if you’ve ever owned a can of Chef Boyardee or voted in Ohio.