Yours now and always, Jane

No amount of nostalgic hometown country songs were enough to get her excited for this. Virginia might have been for lovers, but Amelia only seemed to return there when her heart was broken. An ex’s wedding, her grandmother’s funeral, and to help her mom move out of her childhood home; her father remained stubbornly in his chair, their marriage broken.

And now here she was, on her mom’s front step, tan line on her left ring finger, and belongings edited down to a duffle bag. Broken hearted. Again.

“Amelia!” her mom welcomed her in with open arms. The petite woman’s arms held a vice grip, as if she were afraid Amelia would vanish in a puff of smoke. Amelia returned the embrace, guilt for the distance squirming in her gut. “ hi honey, how was the drive? Did you take the Washington Tunnel this time? Suzan next door swears the Washington Tunnel is the best way to go.”

“It’s Washington Bridge, mom,” Amelia couldn’t help a smile. “And the Holland Tunnel just makes more sense for where I live..ed… lived.”

“Maybe you can show me some time. Put your stuff away and get washed up! I ordered from Tony’s, it’ll be here soon. I figured you’d want to get to bed pretty early.”

“Thanks.” The guest room was a quick walk down the hall of her mom’s little ranch-style house. Not being able to return to her childhood home and bedroom only made her feel worse. Maybe she should have made some kind of effort to reconnect with her dad and brothers in the past five years. But no, her mom needed her more, and she really needed her mom right now.

The older woman did a wonderful job dancing around the elephant in the room, the sour reason for her daughter’s return. Dinner was quick and pleasant before Amelia was ushered off to bed. Amelia appreciated her mother’s concern, but just speaking the name wouldn’t break her.

Tiffany

Tiff.

The emptiness was palpable next to her. She hadn’t had to sleep alone in the past 6 years. And then… this past week had been terrible.

Amelia thought the worst of her problems would be failing the audition. It wasn’t that big of a deal, it was far from her first rejection, but it still stung. At 30-years-old, she was running out of time to make her big break. That’s a normal thing to feel, right? And it’s only logical that the disappointed actress should be able to cry on her spouse’s shoulder.

But instead of having even an ounce of compassion, Tiffany shrugged her off. Through her shock, Amelia could only partially process the resulting argument. Something about “dreams” and “rent” and “get a real job.” Regardless, that was how it ended. What was she supposed to do now?

Now her days were filled with reintegrating with the community. She visited with neighbors and called up old friends. It was exhausting, but better than staying in bed, wallowing in self-pity.

“If it makes you feel better, Isaac’s getting divorced.” was the first flake of gossip that caught her attention.

“Really? But he and Brittany just got married like… two years ago,” Amelia gaped.

“Yeah, exactly. So you’re not as big a failure as they are.”

It did help, a little bit. Isaac and Britt’s wedding had been beautiful. It was obvious her parents got out a loan or something. It felt like Britt had been showboating, rubbing salt in the wound of Amelia’s small courthouse affair. The free food was nice, though, and an open bar.

She had stayed in touch with Isaac through the years. When had she came down to help her mom move out, he volunteered. He was there for her when she visited for her grandmother’s funeral. They didn't talk much, but she’d noticed his tweets trending more on the dark side lately.

Well, maybe it had been fate. Her heart fluttered the rest of the night with the implications. What were the chances that she and Isaac would be going through a divorce at the same time? The stars had aligned. No matter how much she told herself she would allow herself time to heal, how could she pass up the opportunity to pursue her soulmate?

She texted him that night, a quick throw away “hey I’m in town if you wanna hang.” Their conversation was quick, but heartfelt. Sweet nothings like “thanks for always being there for me, even if we don’t talk often” and “you know, I’ve never met anyone else like you.”

“I’m here alone, btw. Tiff and I are separating.” Perfect segue; gave him the opportunity to bring up his own divorce while telling him that she’s on the market. Plus now they could bond over heartbreak and help each other heal. A very romantic story they could tell their future kids.

Instead she was pitied. Too many phrases like “if you need a shoulder to cry on” and “there are other fish in the sea” until she needed to change to subject. Some new movie coming out soon that she saw he was excited about. He was able to talk at length about it, forgetting her moment of weakness.

“Gonna see it with Britt? How’s she doing?” That was a normal thing to ask, right? Suddenly her own voice sounded stilted in her head.

“Yeah, we’re gonna see it on Friday. Britt’s great. ...Actually, she told me not to tell anyone, but…”

The pause as she watched him type was driving her crazy. She could have blurted out the news faster than this.

To her surprise, a photo popped up instead. An ultrasound.

“Britt’s pregnant?! Congratulations!”

“Due in June!”

She stood by her earlier statement: Virginia was for heartbreak.

The trail behind her house used to be her sanctuary. Many long days were spent there with her walkman. She never thought she’d be back here at 30, wireless earbuds playing music from her cellphone.

There was an abandoned house in the back of these woods. The walls had been tagged by bored high schoolers and the paths often used by deer hunters, but it was perfectly serene at midday. She climbed up to the loft, the floorboards more rotten than she’d last seen them a decade ago. Luckily the dodgy floor left the loft pretty much untouched by vandals. Taking care to step on the strongest boards, Amelia made her way to the old desk sitting by the window.

This had been her spot. She’d sit by this desk almost every day for years when she was growing up. She had learned to tell time by tracking the sun’s journey across the opposite wall. She wrote her first love letter at this desk back in 7th grade. Lillian James. She should see what she’s up to these days.

Next to the desk sat a rusty old safe. She’d never been able to crack the combination despite years of trying. After a while she just started plugging in the date, the numbers being as likely as any others. It was worth a shot. She dusted off the dial and squinted in the dim light.

Left three times to 10, right twice 25, left straight to 20.

It clicked. She couldn’t believe her ears. She tugged on the handle before the lock could change its mind. Inside sat an old wooden chest, protected from rot by its rusty metal home.

Her heart skipped in its cage. She struggled to breathe. This wouldn’t be the first time fate had played with her since she’d come home; it was hard to believe the safe had opened at all. She pulled the chest out into the sunlight, opening it with care.

At the top of the chest rested a small black book, a personal journal from a quick look at it’s loved state. The air seemed to leave the loft as she opened the book to the first page.

Monday the 25th of October, 1920

My dearest Anna,

Today is the day we said goodbye. Despite knowing it for years, I’m still in disbelief. I had thought that warning you ahead of time would have saved us this heartbreak. I suppose it was inevitable. You always told me that my sight was a blessing. I always thought and now I truly know that it is a curse. For my hubris in trying to extend your life, the Fates have decided to punish us. I am so sorry.

I see you being reborn in a bright time almost a hundred years from now. You’ll have a good, fulfilling life. You’ll be every bit as beautiful and charming as you are now. You’ll be okay, though I won’t be there to see it.

The Fates have decided that we will spend a lifetime without our soulmates. I won’t come back until you’re past your next life. We’ll be reunited in the life after next if the Fates think we’ve learned our lesson. We will never take our time for granted again.

I’m sorry, my darling Anna.

I see that you will be happy. Don’t forget that there’s more to life than romantic love. You will have a beautiful family. You’ll be surrounded by supporting friends. You’ll find a partner and raise beautiful children. You’ll be okay.

I promise you,

Your Jane.

Amelia felt her cheeks heat at such vulnerability, like she was intruding on something intimate a hundred years past its time. Setting the book aside, she peered in the bottom of the chest. The afternoon sun illuminated the depths wherein shone several gold bars. Amelia’s jaw dropped, her pulse beating in her ears. She thumbed the book open again, not knowing her question but hoping it held the answer.

Monday the 13th of January, 1921

My dearest Anna,

I miss you. So sorely.

I know you would be against it if you were here now, but you’re not. I took some liberties at the horse races. Not all at once, but little by little. If I cannot be with you in the next life, I want to leave you something in my stead. Money isn’t love, but it can buy warmth and comfort, chocolate and dogs. It’s the next best thing.

I pray you’ll forgive me,

Your Jane.

More. Amelia was compelled to learn more.

Monday the 25th of April, 1921

My beloved Amelia,

Amelia stopped. She read it again. A third and fourth time. She flipped back to make sure-- yes, the previous letters were to Anna. She read it one more time.

My beloved Amelia,

I am sorry I will not get to meet you in person. I’ve seen you. That’s my curse, I can see the future. You are truly marvelous and I must admit that I am deeply in love with you already.

I’ve relocated from New Hampshire to Virginia, where you will be born. This gift is to you, my love. I see that you will find it at the lowest point in your life. May my love lift you up out of your darkness.

In your time it should be worth about $20,000. Use it to live the life you deserve.

Yours now and always,

Jane.

The remainder of the book was filled with letters. They often detailed Jane’s daily life and what she had seen of Amelia’s so far. Sometimes the letter contained glimpses of Amelia's life as Anna, their life together. Every letter started similarly:

Beloved Amelia,

Dear Amelia,

Darling Amelia,

Fearless Amelia,

But they all ended the same:

Yours now and always,

Jane.