You Can't Save Everyone, No Matter How Hard You Try

The saying, "you don't know what you got til' it's gone" is so relevant in these mediocre times. TV is shit and has been shit for close to two decades now with no signs of a golden renaissance in sight.

I'm afraid that all we have now are the classics and that's just fine by me. 

Besides, I consider myself "an old fool from the old school" so I have no qualms at all about searching up these long, forgotten TV shows to do a little binge-watching. 

Just recently, I watched one of the greatest episodes of a TV series that's ever been seen and it was all by chance.

The series that I'm speaking of is MacGyver, the original; Not that horseshit remake from a few years ago.

You know, I wasn't much of a MacGyver fan back in the day. Truth be told, I thought the show looked fucking boring.

Most likely, I was just passing some time waiting on Monday Night Raw to come on.

And this was back when it WAS the USA Network and not an all day marathon for all 18 fucking versions of the "Law & Order" franchise.

Well, I'm glad I decided to give this show a chance a few years ago because it's been fantastic from what I've seen three seasons in. 

And this latest episode follows suit. Here's the breakdown.

I had just finished making a delectable breakfast when I decided to continue binge-watching one of my favorite shows.

First, I had to find out where I had left off in the series. It was season 3, episode 11 titled "Kill Zone."

In this episode, MacGyver's sent to retrieve a genetic-altering experiment which had fallen from an outer space satellite.

I know, I know! That shit sounds weird as hell. Hell, it sounded even weirder typing it.

MacGyver was one busy man in this episode.

Not only did he have to retrieve this organism-killing substance but he had a limited amount time to do so before a military plane would be sent in to douse the entire area with napalm.

As MacGyver's walking through this forest area, he sees all the carnage that this substance has caused. Pretty much, all wildlife has been wiped out.

I wanted to push the stop button on my remote right there because I just hated seeing all of that destruction.

As MacGyver's walking, he loses his balance, falls down and loses contact with Pete Thornton and a very abnoxious & trigger-happy general.

He loses communication for about several minutes (TV time) so the general gives the order to nuke the place.

Pete begged that general like a "John" begs a two dollar whore for some sloppy toppy. 

The general, begrudgedly, gives in for a few minutes until he feels like he has no other alternative so he gives the order to drop the bomb.

MacGyver comes to his senses and tries his best to communicate to Pete through the radio but it's busted. 

MacGyver goes into MacGyver mode and is able to disassemble a landmine and uses the materials in it to get the radio and video feed back working.

Now I have to admit; I was thinking that he was in Saigon on a mine-recovering mission.

Boy, was I wrong!

Oh, oh! Gotta hit pause for a few. Nature's calling and I don't have a Duofone answering machine.

Okay! I'm back now.

I had to take care of a little porcelain business. I guess that breakfast I devoured earlier was a little too good. Anyways, that was part 1 of MacGyver's big adventure.

MacGyver is able to save the day but almost gets himself nuked in the process. I thought that was the end of the show at first until I looked at my alarm clock.

Pete, who's MacGyver's best friend/boss, tears the doctor who invented that satellite, a new one.

The doctor is this headstrong chick who doesn't take orders. 

Truth be told, all she needs is a man. Someone she can experiment on but in a good way.

I can hear the feminists reading that sentence right now. 

All those ole' Gloria Steinem-types are foaming at the mouth right now talking about, 

"You sexist pig! You men think you can cure all of the ills of mankind with your cocks and a lot of you are lacking in that department, by the way."

Even Jessica Spano would admit that she desperately needs a man. And because no man, with any dignity, would put up wit her b.s., she settles for the next best thing; Man's best friend.

Now I'm not a dog person but I have to admit, that dog was pretty awesome. More on the dog later.

Pete's trying to talk some sense into this woman but she doesn't want to hear it and wants to keep on with this dangerous experiment.

In other news, MacGyver strips naked and steps into some chamber to undergo some type of disease-repellant protocol. After he gets dressed, he bumps into the same general who was getting ready to have him bumped.

The general begins to apologize but MacGyver stops him and tells him that it's no biggie and that he knows that the general was just doing his job.

I like MacGyver and all but I would've been pissed.  

"Tou mean to tell me that you couldn't give me just two more got'damn minutes?! You got too much blood lust in your heart, man but I digress."

MacGyver's up to the plate next in trying to talk some sense into the doctor after Pete and the general failed at making any headway in that regard.

They should try a little reverse psychology on the woman.

Anytime you want a woman to do something then just tell her not to do it and on the flip side, when you don't want her doing something then tell her to do it. Trust me, fellas. It works like a charm.

Boy, this woman's really something. She wouldn't bulge an inch, even after Pete reported her "experiment" to the board. I have to admire her persistence.

Oh, oh! There's been a breach in the science facility.

Apparently, her "experiment" had started leaking through one of the window seals. MacGyver goes into MacGyver mode once more and is able to stop the leak with a homemade blow torch and some freon from the freezer in the room.

Even after all of that, this bitch still wanted to continue on with her research.

Finally, after several demands from the gentlemen, she destroys her experiment.

At least, they think she did.

After she torches the genetic-destructional weapon, she orders everyone to leave her lab in which they do.

MacGyver comes back to make amends and begins to make a little leeway with the doc before leaving.

MacGyver catches up with Pete as they discuss the doctor's actions.

They come to the realization that the doctor gave up rather easy so they head back into the building.

Turns out, this fool had taken a sample of this stuff on a petri dish and had it hidden. Then, she waited for everyone to leave and took it out.

MacGyver spots her in the lab carrying it around as she locks up the lab to keep him from entering.

Now it's just her, the dangerous organism and the dog that I mentioned above.

MacGyver begs her to come to her senses whereas I would've just said to the cunt,

"Are you fucking crazy?!"

She says nothing can go wrong and as we know, that's when everything goes wrong.

Her dog must've thought that the petri dish was a frisbee or something because he jumped up and knocked it out of her hands and onto to the floor.

This next part is really sad. 

The dog gets sick and dies. Rover just shriveled up like an old man. I almost wanted to cry. Oh and the woman dies as well but fuck her.

Sure, she was contrite about what she did but fuck her still.

They didn't have to kill the dog though. Now that's where I draw the line.

I was so hoping that MacGyver would figure out away to save the dog but unfortunately, he couldn't and the dog is now catching frisbees in Heaven.

Now, the woman doesn't die so quickly though. She lingers around a little while longer unfortunately and has some dialogue with Pete and MacGyver.

She tells them to "save her records." Blah, blah, blah!"

Pete and MacGyver don't have too long to grieve though because the lab sensed a contamination breaching which meant that the building was going to blow up in the next several minutes.

MacGyver goes and retrieves her records and she dies. Finally! Now Pete and MacGyver can get their asses out the fucking building.

They're able to get passed a few closing doors within just an inch of their lives, literally. 

I bet Pete's thanking his lucky stars that he didn't have that extra chili dog at lunch today. Otherwise, he would've lost a lot of weight the hard way.

They get into an elevator but it's going too slow so MacGyver gains access to its maintenance panel to see what he can do to make it go faster so that they can get the hell out of dodge.

MacGyver puts on his superman cape, which is a tan jacket in his case, and comes up with an idea to "save the day."

Pete and MacGyver are able to open up the elevator and MacGyver finds an electrical panel and retrieves an electrical component from it. 

He then brings it back to the elevator as Pete closes it. He hands component to Pete and gets on top of the shaft. (Pause)

He and Pete wire-in the part that makes the elevator work much faster which enables them to get out of there by the short & curlies as the building blows up.

And to think that all of this is over a dusty broad and her precious "experiment" which was killing everything & everybody.

And you all think that the future is female. Best of luck to you on that.

Hell of an episode still. All in all, a great show.