Time's Just an Illusion? Try Telling That to My Urinary Tract

Fellas, there's no greater feeling in the world then a 3 am piss. The feel of draining that diamondback as the sound of piss hits toilet water is like sweet symphony to our ears. Not even Beethoven himself could orchestrate a sweeter melody.

Ahhh! Such a lovely feeling.

It would be akin to how the ladies feel when they take off their bras after a long, hard day just to let those puppies breathe.

Now, there is a flipside to this because there's no greater better pain then when you go to do your business and you feel a sharp pain.

A pain so intense that it feels as if you're pissing out Gillette razor blades.

Well, that was my Wednesday night about a month ago.

Man, I was burning like a "John" in a 1970's Colombian whorehouse.

It was just how Eddie Murphy described back in the day in one of his standups; It was like fire shooting out of my dick, literally.

The only difference was that it wasn't from any dry twat. Well, dryness was part of the problem, but in a different way.

Prognosis: My ass was drinking too many sodas and not enough water.

Growing up, I never had this problem before. Matter of fact, I could guzzle down strawberry Fantas like a modern pop star guzzles down quaaludes back in my time.

I guess life gets so much realer once you get older.

I have to admit that it's tough getting old and it's even tougher hearing and feeling your joints doing more snapping, crackling & popping then a bowl of Rice Krispies or your pop's fave Bing Crosby LP when you're walking.

And even worse, there's nothing more painful then seeing people you admire getting older.

I was watching Wrestlemania 41 about a month ago and they showed a snippet of the previous night's Hall of Fame ceremony. As they showed the wrestlers' speeches, I was completely taken aback about how old everyone looked.

This might sound funny but it doesn't feel like it was that long ago when these guys, with muscles bulging in their primes, were entertaining massive crowds worldwide.

Now, seeing them simply walk gets all the cheers from the crowds these days.

Take Lex Luger for example.

Seeing Lex Luger stand up from his wheelchair is a big deal but I'm thinking to myself, this is "The Total Package" Lex Luger.

This is the guy who racked all 370 members of the NWO back at World War 3 in 1996. Now, here we are applauding him for standing up in a wheelchair.

Even his presenter, Diamond Dallas Page (DDP) looked worse for wear.

Ole' DDP looked like he could use a Yoga instructor himself right about now.

Bret "The Hitman" Hart was at the prestigious event as well being honored with Steve Austin for their classic bout at Wrestlemania 13.

Unfortunately, Hart looked more like his father Stu Hart then he did his former self.

"The Hitman" was moving around slower then Vince McMahon when he blew both of his quads.

Speaking of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, he was definitely a little soggy around the midsection.

And….To make matters even more entertaining, he drove an ATV into a barricade a few nights later at "the granddaddy of them all."

He checked on the fan multiple times as did Nick Khan, one of the higher-ups in the company.

I guess "The Rattlesnake" had one too many "Stevewisers" beforehand which didn't deter him from pounded some more brew after announcing the attendance of the event. Thankfully, he didn't take the ATV afterwards.

One of Austin's biggest rivals during the Attitude Era, The Undertaker, also attended the event. Taker, who was there to induct Michelle McCool, former WWE Diva and his wife, was moving around rather gingerly with his jet-black dyed hair.

I bet "The Dead Man" brought every ounce of black Rust-Oleum that he could get his hands on down at Ace Hardware.

It hurts my heart to a great degree to say this but it's not 1998 anymore, no matter how much we all wish it was. We have to move the fuck on; Even if we don't necessarily want to.

P.S. Make sure you all stay hydrated.